Happy Holidays, my friends...

Hope your day was spent surrounded by friends and family and that you got everything on your wishlist...


I know I did.






My parents and grandparents went in together and got us a new 8 megapixel Kodak camera. It's perfect! Just in time for pictures of labor, delivery, and QUINLON pictures.


Today is alaso exactly 3 months to EDD. I can't wait to meet my little handsome boy.

I got freaking LEOPARD!!!

Happy early Christmas to me! And I got it for $117 because CompUSA was having a sale on all software.

NONG!

My internet is so freaking fast... Welcome to the 21st century, Jess.





In other news, I can't roll over so easy anymore. I have a feeling it's all down hill from here.



You know those moments when the hubby is complaining about something he needs and you bought it already for his Christmas present and it's nearly impossible to keep a straight face? Yeah, it happened today. He's going to love his designer aviators and for the first time I am doing good keeping a secret.

AND, Donnie bought me these... he had to make sure he got the right size, so he had to spill the beans to ask me what size mine are. They should be here this week, but Donnie is making me wait until Christmas opening them.



Gorgeous, right?

diapers... everywhere?

I am going to cloth diaper Quinn because I LOVE the idea of less trash, NO CHEMICALS, and they are soooo damn cute.

But, it's literally become an obsession. I spend hours scouring www.diaperswappers.com for bargains (fairly successfully, I might add) and devouring EVERY bit of information I can on the lifestyle of cloth diapering.

I got my first package today and I am in LOVE. It's just prefold diapers... plain and simple thick squishy rectangles that I will fold up and pin on Quinn the old fashioned way. I think I am going to dye them pretty colors...


Now I'm off to search for more diapers and impatiently await my next fluffy shipment!!

I dislike Thanksgiving...a LOT.

I'll wait a moment for the gasps to subside and explain myself.

I am proudly 1/4 Cherokee and Thanksgiving is a holiday steeped in the blood of native Americans of EVERY tribe. I never felt comfortable celebrating what marked the beginning of the end of one of the oldest and richest cultures in the entire world.

While I do believe in the idea of setting time aside to be thankful for all that you have been given in life, I feel that it's so typically American that we have to make a holiday just to remember to do so instead of doing it every day of your life... It should be a natural thing, not some trite, forced, commercialized display of excess, greed and gluttony. That's right, stop fighting over who gets the last piece of pie you fat slobs and take a look at what a cheap, meaningless day this holiday is.


So while the meaning of Thanksgiving was well intended, it never really had a chance since it was begun on the premise of stealing land from an established society of people just because they were deemed "savages" and "uncivilized" by bullshit European bible thumper's standards.

Fuck that.

I like Turkey and dressing as much as the next person, but the whole fucking holiday is a sham.



That being said, I am thankful for everything in my life everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't look at myself and smile in appreciation for all that I have.


Note: This is not directed at anyone who reads my blog specifically, just the population majority in general... you guys are awesome... DUH!

She replied...

According to my Granny, she is unbelievably busy... ~shrug~ Ok.

Her reply was really sweet, she even apologized for taking so long to reply. I sense that Granny said something that I was a little anxious about not hearing back from her.

I'll admit, I feel a little absurd getting so upset... but what was I supposed to think? It was only natural that I freak a little when my heartfelt words are seemingly ignored.


Now, I just feel relieved. This was such a weight on my chest despite all my attempts to be ambivalent towards the whole thing.





Let's just hope this is the beginning of getting things back to "normal". I appreciate all the support you guys have showed me. It means the world to me to know that so many beautiful people care so much.

Looks like I've been written off.

10 days later, no reply.


I know she got the email. My Granny said she mentioned it to her when they talked after our lunch date on Saturday.





I did my part. My conscience is clear and if she can't give me the courtesy of at least acknowledging my effort... then fuck it. I tried, right?

It stings, I won't deny that. But I am the better person here, obviously, and I will just go on living my life the way that makes me happy. I've got my family right here and it's all I need. Her fucking loss.



Pardon me while I bury every last feeling of good will towards my parents.

::EDIT::
I feel that I should put the disclaimer out there that, yes, I understand that maybe she is taking her time for some very legitimate reason... blah, blah, blah. Does it really take 10 days to find words? ~shrug~ I doubt it.

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer...

Beatles White Album on vinyl


+



Dancing in underwear


+



Saturday morning




=


Awesomerestness.


In all seriousness, Helter Skelter has to be one of the greatest songs ever made.

No reply...

Nada...



I'm a nervous wreck over this. Honestly, I do not know how often she checks her email, but if I don't get an answer this week, I give up.






My heart hurts.

Just call me butter...

I seem to be on quite a posting "roll" today but I was sitting her contemplating all the reasons I am feeling so lost and melancholy and the biggest one is my ~lack~ of a relationship with my parents.

Long story, short... They don't approve of my life choices. They're on A's side of the fence and I hopped over to B's side at the first chance I got. That's that super condensed and simplified version.

So, I decided that since there is no time that a girl needs her mother than when she's having her first child, I should do something to try and cross this void between us.

Here's the email I wrote to my Mom.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sure you're pretty busy with sports and whatnot, but I wanted to just drop a line and check in.

We're all doing great. Quinn is kicking away and love feeling it. Donnie has even gotten a few kicks hard enough for him to feel on the outside. We had a scare last weekend when I woke up with a really bad pain in my stomach. We went to the ER to get it checked out and it turns out it was nothing more than Quinn aggravating a nerve with his bicycle kicks to one part of my uterus. We did get to see him on ultrasound again and he has grown SOOO much. He's was already 11 oz and is measuring about 4 days ahead of his due date. It looks like he is going to take after me, and not Donnie who was only 6 1/2 pounds when he was born.

I hadn't heard from you in a while and just wanted to tell you I miss you guys. Mom, I feel so overwhelmed sometimes because this is all so new. No amount of teaching daycare, babysitting and reading books can make me feel fully prepared. There is just so much I am in the dark about and would love it if you could offer some guidance. I know our relationship is not the strongest, but I really want to change that. I am not the person I used to be and I hope you can see that. I need to have my parents in my life and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to let go of all the hateful things that have happened between us in the past. We may never see eye to eye about a lot of things. I understand that and I don't expect you to necessarily approve of everything I do or believe, I just ask that we can put aside any resentment and have a relationship NOW as the older, wiser people we are now.

If you can't do it for me... please do it for Quinn. I want him to have his grandparents involved in his life. I want him to be able to feel the love that I know you have for your first grandchild and I don't want personal differences of our doing to ruin his chance at having that amazing relationship with you guys.

I know the geographical distance between us only adds to the problem, but we are willing to do what it takes to keep you involved as possible. We are going to be at Granny's again for Christmas. We'll be there 23rd-27th and I hope that y'all will be there at a time that overlaps, at least a little. I know it's a little early for your plans to be concrete, but I figured I'd let you know when we would be there so you would have a heads up.

I guess that's all for now.

Tell everyone hello from all 3 of us and give them my love. Our phone # is still the same and we would love to hear from you anytime.

Love,
Jessi, Donnie and Quinn



It's going to be hard not to hold my breath...

Whoa

I am just sitting here sobbing.



I don't know why. I'm just overwhelmed.









Just keep breathing...

20 weeks...?

I went for my 20 week check up...19w3d is close enough, I guess and everything went very smoothly.

I am so proud of my weight gain. I've been trying to stay active despite the overwhelming sense of laziness I have, and eating healthy is always harder when there is a voice screaming in your head to eat a WHOLE pie. But, so far, I've only gained 8 1/2 pounds. Yay me! My strategy was to minimize the weight gain early on so that it's less of an issue later when I starting putting on pounds more rapidly. I think we can say this mission is a success.

Blood pressure was fine, as usual.

Heard Quinn's heartbeat. Seems we interrupted his afternoon nap because it was only 137 BPM and he was offended by the slight intrusion of the doppler. He reacted by brutally punching/kicking the probe resulting in a laughing fit from my midwife, Donnie and I.

Feisty little stinker. But would we expect anything less with his lineage? Oy, Allen boys are a beast... LOL


The disturbing part was when we measured my fundal height... at 19w3d, my uterus is measuring 23 centimeters aka 23 weeks. The many explanations of this don't really apply to me...

1) Baby could be hanging out at the top of my uterus. - Not Quinn, he is always after my bladder and doppler always finds him very low.

2)Short waisted? - Nope. I have an unusually long waist...

3)Aren't sure of your due date? - Again, nuh uh. I know the exact day I ovulated... my due date is pretty damn accurate.


So my only option is to assume he is taking after his dear mother and going to be a 9 pounder or I am giving birth to an elephant child. Yikes! I keep trying to tell myself that, "Maybe he's tall... Donnie and I are both tall... so that's likely right?"

I guess we'll have to watch this one... no scrawny babies in this house!

Dearest Evelyn,

Happy Birthday, darling. I just wanted to let you know how much we love and miss you. I know you are in such a better place, but it still breaks my heart to not have you in my arms. Halloween is just not the same without you, my darling little girl.

We are all doing very well. Your little brother is getting stronger everyday and reminds me constantly with some well placed kicks to the bladder when Mommy has to pee. It's such a wonderful experience that I missed with you during your short time with us. He also says 'hello' and that he loves you very much. He is truly blessed to have such a wonderful big sister watching over him all the time.

I hope you can see how much we miss you... I think of you everyday and hope that you are as happy as you should be, free from this world. I will see you again eventually, and then I can finally hold you in my arms like I dream about at night.

All our love,
Mommy, Daddy and Quinn.

Sigh

This weekend was rough.

ER trip for mysterious pain which turned out to be Quinn kicking me too hard and aggravating a nerve, but we did get another look at Quinn and it was amazing. He is gorgeous. He has my nose and Donnie's bone structure and feet LMAO.







I love, love, love every minute of this. Being a mother is the greatest journey on earth.

Won't do that again!

Anyone who knows me know that I LOVE Horror movies. I am somewhat of a horror movie connoisseur especially where it comes to zombie/vampire movies.


They don't normally scare me, but apparently pregnancy hormones plus really badass horror movie equals a teary eyed hyperventilating Jessi.



We saw 30 Days of Night last night and it was phenomonal. Completely did justice to the comic book AND not a trace of bad acting to be found. I was very impressed, well, when I could pry my hands out of Donnie's arm or remember to take a full breath. It was a tense tense movie and my poor hormones just couldn't handle it.



Soooo, lesson learned.


But for the rest of you, GO SEE IT!!!

Can we talk about this not sleeping thing...?

It flat out sucks.


I got to sleep and sleep great from say 9:30PM to 2:30-3:00 AM, then proceed to spend the next 3-5 hours tossing and turning barley dozing and definitely not enjoying a peaceful slumber.

I can't put my finger on what it is making me so uncomfortable, either.




I am beyond frustrated and am considering tranquilizer darts on a large scale.








Maybe I need more pillows... sorry, Donnie, but this is all about ME! ;-)

Yikes... hormones are mean!

I dislike the mood swings.


A LOT.










But, I think I felt Quinn today. 2x. I am not 100% sure, but it was a slight little tap... both times in the same spot. The spot he likes to hang out as proven by the fact he is on that side every time we chase him around with the doppler.


:::Edit:::

I definitely felt him tonight! It was so awesome. It was a fluttery, rolling sensation. It happened for just a minute or two, but it was unmistakable this time!!

Wow...

So much has conspired lately.


It's strange the whirlwind pregnancy throws your life into in EVERY aspect.

I have a job. It pays ok, but not enough for me to be able to be a MOM first and foremost.

What choices do we have...? Bad credit, no college degree... ugh, it's upstream all the way in this damn country.






So we're leaving it.


Donnie's heart is in China... his kung fu master is in China... our new life will be in China, at least for 6 years.

We're moving to Shanghai, China to go to the college of traditional Chinese medicine. World renown and cheaper than a stupid useless bachelors degree here in the States, we will be DRs!!!!! I'm talking acupuncture, herbology, moxibustions, cupping... The whole shebang.

I LOVE IT. I am such a science nerd and this is perfect with our pseudo Chinese lifestyle/attitudes.

Soooo, we're saving as much money as possible and moving after Quinn is born. We'll have jobs teaching English waiting on us when we get there where the work week is only 20 HOURS... Uhhhh, yeah! After a year, so we have a chance to completely learn Chinese and most importantly the written language (characters) required to enter medical school there.

I am so excited. There are no words. It's going to be soooo hard, but the payoff is a CAREER that I can enjoy and have all the time I need to be a MOM!!!

It's so easy...

to forget what you have in the face of what you can't achieve. We're all guilty of it, and despite my greatest efforts not to fall into the "Why me?" trap, at times I find myself there.

My best friend in the whole world lives with heartbreak everyday and she is my hero. I adore her and it breaks my own heart to know there is just one thing she wants more than anything else and her path to that goal is more than just uphill... she's fighting sea monsters and hurricanes and marauding squirrels (hah!). In all seriousness, I currently have the one thing she aches for and she has never once resented me for this... she knows about my struggles to get here and the casualty on the way. She has every right to abandon me and the symbol of her seeming unreachable goal to save her own heart.

But, she doesn't and I can never thank her enough for valuing our friendship above the natural jealousy that could tear us apart.

She is family to us. I pray for her constantly in the hope that she can join me on the "other side" of the fence and feel the incredible joy of pregnancy.

I wish there were words for me to fully explain how much she means to me and how deeply I love her and her amazingly generous heart. I cannot imagine my life without her and I know she feels the same about me.

On the coattails of this revelation I sit back and am awestruck by just how much I truly have... An adoring husband, an extraordinary friend, loving family, a comfortable (although sometimes ghetto) roof over my head, a nice car, clothes on my back and food in my fridge and most amazingly a gorgeous son in my tummy awaiting his chance to complete our little family.

I am truly blessed beyond words and humbled by the list of things that are right with my life. I may not be filthy rich or even close, but my life is so rich that my heart aches with happiness.




The only words I have left are "Thank you." You know who you are and you are the reason my life is worth living.

16 weeks in and

I am starting to look pregnant instead of chubby...




I still need to scan the u/s pictures so I can post them, but we have no scanner.

And the verdict is...

BOY!!


So we have a little Quinlon Jade on the way!!

Looks like almost everyone was dead on with guesses and mother's intuition is right once again!

He's measuring perfect. Everything looks healthy and on track. He is definitely not shy at all, takes after his father in that department.

He spent most of the u/s squirming and making fists at the probe. Apparently, we've got a little kung fu disciple already.

Donnie says he has my mouth and looks more like me. I couldn't really tell either way, but he's jealous so I will go with it. HAH!!

Now taking guesses!!

As Donnie is forcing his head against my belly at the desk...LMAO

Big u/s is one week from tomorrow!!!


Get your guesses in NOW!!

So far we have:
Me - boy
Donnie - boy
mother-in-law - girl
Friends at work - girl (unanimously)

Today is a very special day...

I am officially in the second trimester of this pregnancy. It makes me tear up just saying it out loud. After the heartwrenching end to our first pregnancy, this seems like a miracle.

It's so amazing... I feel almost proud of myself. I made it through the wretched morning sickness and exhaustion and only have the BEST parts of pregnancy to come.

I can't wait to feel the little dinosaur pummeling the inside of my uterus and in 13 days I get to find out the sex. *happy dance*

Now it's time for me to curl up in the bed with Donnie and just talk about what we think our little dinosaur is going to be like. <3

It's such a shame...

that I can't bring myself to clean...

I will.

Just a few more minutes of procrastinating while I update blogland about my appointment yesterday, I promise.

Donnie got to hear the heartbeat. It's slowed from 160 BPM to 152 BPM. My midwife swears it must be a boy because she had a hell of a time getting him to sit still long enough to get the heart tones. Donnie was smiling from ear to ear. This morning, he said that hearing that little "tick, tick, tick" made it seem so much more real. It did to me too.

I had to have my pap smear done mostly because the one in October of last year came back abnormal, but when they did a small sample biopsy, it came back as nothing. I really hope it comes back fine this time around because the stress of dealing with the abnormal results last time nearly drove me to the brink of mental stability and now is not the time for that level of stress.

Back to good news though, we set my BIG U/S for 10/4. I'll be 15w3d. I though this was a bit early, but my midwife assures me the tech that does u/s for them is beyond amazing and if she has any trouble, I'd only have to wait 2 weeks to do it all over again. So now the countdown begins. I am so excited to finally know whether or not we have a baby Quinlon Jade or Veda Xui on the way... ~sigh~

That's really all that is going on. Life is boring as usual... *shrug*

No one could have

prepared me for this experience.


I love being pregnant. LOVE it.


But this is hard. Sure, I just sit around and "grow a kid" but it takes a toll. Add that to the hormones and there are days that I feel in over my head. It's so worth the ickiness, the exhaustion, the peeing 5x a night...

It's just overwhelming to think that inside of me there is a life growing. It has brought me a greater understanding of the Tao and life itself. It's truly a spark of life coming from nothing and becoming a living breathing human being. Amazing. I am humbled by the sheer magnitude of this blessing. There really is nothing like it and I thank the universe every single day for allowing me this time.




I really am blessed.

Remind me

not to watch "A Baby Story" anymore.


Major tears.


I am so excited to be a mom.

I'm still alive...

I just don't have internet at home until next week.

At my appointment last Tuesday, I actually got to hear the heartbeat. I was 9 weeks exactly. It was the greatest moment of my life and I cannot believe that I have finally passed all the milestones with our loss last year.

Thank you so much to those who have gotten me through my anxiety. <3

It's been a while...

I've been too exhausted to do anything, and unfortunately, my blog is pretty low on a long list of things I've been putting off.


Not a whole lot to report, actually. Just exhausted and, at times, sick. But loving every minute of this pregnancy. I will be 7 weeks on Tuesday. In some ways it seems like time is flying, but when I look at all the milestones ahead of me I feel like I've barely begun.

My next appointment is 8/14. We'll be scheduling my u/s then. I am excited and a little scared... rightfully so, I guess.


Like I said, nothing exciting going on here, but just thankful for everyday I wake up pregnant.

Holy hormones!

I went shopping for a journal and while I was at Target, remembered that they had some adorable dinosaur bibs and onsies.

They were on clearance, but the bibs and onsies were sold out. They did have a green fleece blanket that says "Sunggle Saurus" on it for only $6. Of course, I had to buy it!

Then I stopped at Barnes & Noble and found the PERFECT journal and barely got to the parking lot before I was bawling.

It hit me that I am finally having the baby that I've longed after for over a year and I couldn't hold back the tears. I am so very excited for this and it just became so real when I bought the first thing EVER for the babysaurus.

LOL, I am tearing up now just writing about it!





There is a picture here:

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/l/littledinosaur/

password: babysaurus

I count myself among

the luckiest of lucky.

we were staring down the barell of 12+ months TTC and the hulking monster that is infertility. We are truly, truly blessed to be given this precious gift.

I will not take a single moment of this pregnancy for granted.

And to everyone who has so warmly congratulated us, Thank you, so very much. Without the support of those who have been there through the tears and the pain, we would not be here.

For those who muct continue in the TTC struggle, my heart is with you and I hate that I can not do anything to aide in your fight except to continue to keep you in my prayers as always.

<3

Sorry.

The last blog about the car was posted using the pictures of the actual car on the carmax website. Once we put our deposit down, they took down the pictures so my image source was broken.


Oops.


Since my batteries are dead in my camera, here is a stock picture.


It looks just like this except dark blue. :-)

I cannot stop smiling.

We got the car.












Have I mentioned that this is my dream car? Some people want a Jaguar, or a Ferrari, I want a VW Golf.




I am so happy that there is nothing that could bring me down.

So. This sucks.

The car cannot be fixed.

But, at 170,000 miles, I think the girl needs to be retired.

My father in law is being kind enough to send us money to use as a down payment so we can get a new car. We found the PERFECT car. Orange Chevy Aveo 5 door hatchback.




Let's hope this goes as well as possible.

Someone stop me...

So far today I've purchased Centipede, Wizards of Wor, Dig Dug, Pitfall, and the adapter needed for the Atari that was Donnie's early birthday present.

And I am going to pick up a pineapple plant. Yes, you read that right. A pineapple plant. One of the good things about FL life is the ability to grow yummy tropical fruit.

Donnie is outside fising the car. I'm hiding from the sun because I jogged/walked nearly 2 miles around lunch time today. I'm not sure what kind of idiot goes jogging at 12:00 PM in July in FL... oh yeah, me. I thought I was going to die. I put sunblock on but apparently I missed right at my hairline... I have a red line bordering my hair on my forehead. Nice.

Hopefully, the car will be fixed and Jessi can turn the heat off when she drives.





By the way, yogurt is the best yeast infection cure EVER.

I'm drunk

and crying uncontrollably.

I am so overwhelmed right now and it just sucks.


This weekend will be spent trying to replace the water pump on the car... Hopefully, she will make it until Friday night :(.





I'm struggling with depression over a great many things. My weight, TTC, money, work... Ugh. I just wish I had a girlfriend to take me out shopping and for pedicures. :-( Being an adult at 21 is hard, no one else my age seems to care that I am resposible, nor do they care to "hang out" because once the ring is on the finger, you lose all coolness.

psssh.

After last months gauntlet of bullshit, things are improving which just confirms my faith in positive thinking.


I am so madly in love. I have a terrific life and there is just one thing missing.




Soon?

I really, really hope so...

Whatever.

People are dumb and seek out drama.

I'm jaded and I won't change.

No really...

this can stop now.

I am still so desolate about the TTC thing. Blah Blah, haven't hit 12 cycles yet... I know the stats. But I also know that my heart is bruised and tired of this seemingly neverending struggle. It blows.


General Grievous is still missing. Donnie had a dream that the bitch next door (after making her threats about our cat) stole him when he went outside and gave him to somone else.

Cunt.

I've cried about it every night in the past week. I miss my kitty. So, Donnie, in an effort to ease my heartache, rescued another 6 month old cat and brought him home.

He's our little half siamese, blue-eyed, ball of trouble. I love him. I still miss General Grievous, but the newest addition does somewhat fill a void left by his disappearance. But, believe me, I still pray every day that Grievous will show up at our door.

Once I get my camera batteries charged, I'll post a picture or two of the beast known as Ookla, the Mok. (If you understand this obscure 80s reference then you are completely rad, if not, no worries, I still love you ;-))

I'm so tired.

The struggle, the false hope, the let down, the heartbreak... it's all too much.

I just want what we were so close to having. There's a hole in my heart that aches every time I see someone happily wheeling around an infant. It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face when someone shares their good news. There is a void that nothing but a baby will fill. I want my family.

I can't see an RE because my insurance balks at anything that even smells like infertility. I'm hoping that I can approach my OBGYN with health related concerns I am having that are probably also fertility related. There are a million fears crowding my mind lately and I am so overwhelmed with the struggle this last year has been.

*sigh*

I can only go up from here. As much as emotional rock bottom sucks, it's only temporary.

As expected...

BFN.

I also forgot I was testing and and woke up and peed at about 3:30 this morning... *shrug*


I'll test Saturday just to be sure to expect AF... but it looks like no happy father's day for Donnie.

What the hell

are "team members"? (in reference to this site)



btw. testing tomorrow.

Silly me, why was I so freaked out?

Let me just say that I looooove this doctor. He has both of us cracking up the whole time!

He didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but when he was talking about maybe not ovulating I gave him my charts and he seemed to realize that we are both pretty ahead of the game as far as information.

So, I just have to call once AF arrives and they will do CD3 bloodwork and schedule an HSG for me. He said they do the HSGs in their office because radiologist aren't used to doing them, normally, and they make it far more painful than necessary.

He said we can do the s/a whenever Donnie has "refrained from ejaculation" for 2-3 days on our own schedule. He gave us the sterile collection cup so we could do it at home and just make an appointment to bring the sample in. We are thinking of doing it when AF comes since the first few days are sex free for us anyway.

All in all, a very very good appointment!

Every time I think about tomorrow

my heart pounds.


I have no idea what to expect. I wrote down any questions I can think of....


I just feel so unprepared for the appointment. *sigh*








This weekend was perfect. It's so nice to have the house to ourselves. No more deadweight or unnecesarry conflict. ♥

"'cause I need something more, to keep on breathing for..."

Appointment with an RE Monday June 11th.

Nervous is an understatement.



I'm just weary... that's really the only word for it. TTC for 10 cycles and 13 cycles of unprotected sex all together is just too much. The longer this takes, the more I am convinced my previous pregnancy was a fluke.

The really good news is that *if* this cycles is a bust, I will only have to wait a few days from appointment to BFN then to CD3 bloodwork. I want to get a s/a ASAP. Even my TCM doctor asked that we get the s/a done soon. Either way, I can get some straight facts on what is actually transpiring and use them to more specifcally treat my problems with both western medicine and acupuncture.

So, now I get to enjoy my long weekend knowing that Monday is going to be a big step in moving this struggle closer to fruition. Now, if I can just collect myself long enough to make a list of all the info I need to bring for the dr and all the questions I have. Any suggestions for questions?

What did you do this weekend?

48 hour film project.

Can you say stressful?

We drew the genre, Spy film. Awesome!

I'm at home because my scenes are not until tonight and with time being of such a priority, the fewer hands to supervise the better.

Now, if I can just make sure to seduce Donnie one more time tonight... It's times like these that I am enormously grateful that Donnie has a phenomonal sex drive, because this would be impossible if I had to convince him to get in the mood.


On the down side of things, I'm hopeful this cycle. I'm 'heading for a heartbreak' if this cycle is a bust as well. Dr Tian assures me that 3 more cycles is all it will take at the MAX, bu it's so hard to shake the omnipresent dissapointment that has been my TTC career.

Just this once, I'd appreciate it if my body would cooperate.

Will you cry for me...

or will you cry with me?

I gotta just keep reminding myself that 90% of the population has an IQ of under 100.



I'm not entirely sure where I said that I care about hurting the feelings of those who can't be grown up enough to put a name on childish insults.



My neck injury is finally better. *fingers crossed* Dr Tian and I spoke about getting pregnant. When I told him that we are on C 10, he laughed at me and asked why I had not asked him about this earlier. Last year alone he helped 20 couples conceive and carry to term successfully. He is very confident in being able to treat my body and 'jumpstart' everything into working in optimal efficiency. He gave me 4 different kinds of herbal supplements, 2 to take before O and 2 others for after O. The ones for pre-O are to enrich the lining and strengthen the quality of O. The post-O herbs are to encourage implantation and keep hormone levels in perfect balance. He says the post O herbs will solve and LP defect (if any) that I may be developing.

So, one acupuncture treatment later, I am feeling a little bit of my hope restored.

Since when...

is "being ready" a requirement for getting pregnant? Let's go ask the 16 year old HS girl who got knocked up on prom night if she was "ready.

But that is beside the point...

All the things that seem to get thrown back in my face are things in my past.

Let's just clear the air.

Did I used to have issues with self mutilation?-- Yes. But, darling, that was 4 years ago. Drop it.

Was I a rancid bitch in HS?--Absolutely. But, before you judge, do you know anything about my high school experiences? Maybe you were unaware of the abuse I endured... but, it's cool, go ahead judge me on my actions from 4 years ago, we've already established that with topic number one.

Have I done things before that maybe weren't the smartest/wisest/kindest things to do?--Definitely. So have you. Get over yourself.

As far as "issues" that I need to work on... believe me, I am well aware of my faults. In no way do I blame "anon" or even anyone in my past for my problems. Why do you have so much free time that you sit around and stretch for things to use against me? Take a look at yourself before your flaws overrun your sad existance. I'm fully capable of handling my life.

Well, well, well...

Double digits now?

Cycle 10.


I'm a little concerned about the random shortness of mt last 2 cycles.





~sigh~

He laid emeralds in her eyes...

There are points in life when you are asked to look back on your life and and defend or bemoan choices you have made.

"Do you regret anything you've done in the past?"

A question such as that is far deeper than its simplistic nature implies.

Who are you going to incriminate for the mistakes you've made in your life?
Whom will you give credit for the blessings you've received?

My response is; Everything is building toward something.

A simplistic example is as follows.

You drink waaaaay too much, get sick, vomit uncontrollably, and then wake up the next day with a hangover so bad you wish you could just die.

Do you regret it?

or

Do you learn from it and use it as a valuable lesson?




Maybe it's a bit idealist of me, but I regret nothing. That is not to say, by any means that I have not made mistakes or choices that were less than ideal. I'm sure someone will decide they should point out my flaws because somehow they feel like I think I am perfect. I am far from perfect.
"If people were perfect, the would fly..." Indeed.

I am insanely happy with my life. I have a beautiful, intelligent, caring husband who loves and adores me unconditionally. I firmly believe that life is measured by the people you have in yours, and by that theory, I am filthy rich.

To all those who make my life so complete, I owe you my gratitude. I hope that I am as integral in your lives as you are in mine.

funny...

sarcasm must be hard to understand for some people.

Did someone say "Happy Mother's Day"?

Yay, presents!!!


Donnie's shoes


My shoes, except the polka dot area is lime green with white spots and the black panel is dark green.


My new bra... only it's lime green with yellow lining.


Not to mention the knee high tube socks with stripes at the top. Think 1970s, baby!


Not a bad day if I do say so myself.

If you cross me, I will cut you.

There's this guy, we'll call him Joe. He was Donnie's best friend for years, was there for him when others weren't.

When Donnie and I first met, Joe waited until Donnie wasn't around, and tried to hit on me. This was after Donnie had told him that he thought "this is the girl for me". It bothered me. I told Donnie, and though, not surprised, he was a little hurt by it.

Fast forward a few weeks to when Donnie and I moved to NY from FL. Joe took this as a personal insult. He felt like Donnie had abandoned him for me...

The entire 6 months we were there he called us once. We had AIM on the phone and he would very occassionally talk to Donnie on there. After we lost the baby, Donnie and I were understandably distraught. One night I could not sleep, and I IMed Joe and told him that if he still considers Donnie a friend, he should call because Donnie could really use a friend right now. That was it. I did not tell him why, or say anything other than that. He did not even reply to me. So, set the phone aside and went to bed.

Later that night, I woke up to Donnie have a panic attack. Joe had told him that he had "talked to me" and I had "told him everything".

I was livid and at that moment I wrote him off. He lied to Donnie just to get him to turn against me.


--Now a little background on this guy. He is in a signed band (whoopdifuckingdoo). Atg the time we met him, he had one daughter, and another kid on the way with a porn actress, stripper mother.

He's kind of a low life if you add everything up.

When we moved back to FL, we never told him, but he eventually found out and started bugging us to hang out. After a while, I caved and (for Donnie's sake only) decided to put aside my hatred for the guy and hang out with him and his new girlfriend.

Well, after saying something about how we were TTC, they announced that they were expecting. She was on birth control at the time and he had another kid less than 6 months old. Bottom line was that they did not want the baby.

Add this to the fact that when we would make plans he would bail nearly constantly, or just would not show up. I was over him, once again.

It hurt, but conveniently after that, Joe kinda faded away and quit contacting us.








I thought that was the end of this soap opera...

Oh, fuck no. Now both Joe and the gf (whom, while pregnant, Joe left to go back to the porn girl because she had more money) are bugging us to hang out again.

Am I wrong to still resent them? Not so much her, but him. She just seems to be a nice girl caught up in his "web". He's a manipulator by nature. I don't think I can stand by and act happy about this. Donnie knows this. It's just going to be so hard for me to smile while deep down the very sight of them and their baby girl make me want to burst into tears.

It's probably selfish. But at this point, I've given this guy so many chances and what have I gotten out of it other than disappointment and pain?

Donnie still feels obligated. He owes Joe for certain things that he has done for him in the past.

I just don't know.

I can only be so strong, but is this really pushing my limits or am I just unwilling to try because it is such a sore subject for me.

I will do it, for Donnie. I won't like it, but I am an actress. This is just one of my most challenging roles.

Once again, the universe is testing me and I refuse to fail.

I think we would look great dead....

One of my favorite "modern" bands is coming to St. Pete State Theater next month and I can hardly wait.

He Is Legend = greatest band to exist since the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I hate new music. Can you tell?

99% of the time you'll catch me listening to Led Zepplin and Guns 'N' Roses. The new shit just ain't got no soul....



I'm rambling.



I was waiting in line at the deli counter at the grocery store to get my sandwich meat and pregnant woman after pregnant woman got in line around me. What the hell, man? I think the universe is testing my resolve. I'll pass, I always do. These little tests are just getting old.

No car for us. Don't get me started on that topic, It was a miracle that I managed not to drive my car striaght through the floor to ceiling plate glass windows in the front of the dealership. Liars, all of them.

Not really.

But, god, is it nice to say it.

This week is my last in my current department. Then I move to insurance and I get a $1/hr raise and get to be under the awesome supervisor who doesn't micromanage whatsoever. Fun times.




If I ever owned a racehorse, I would soooo name it Pants, Pants Pants.

I mean well, really.

I'm just stressed. I could go into details, but then I'd come off as whiny.



Just get over it.




Nothing is ever easy. I know this, but it doesn't really make me feel any better when life throws shit at my fan.

It's time's like this that I need a "girls night out" with my girls... too bad they are 84932057852 miles away.




P.S. - I made the greatest key lime pie ever this weekend. Really. It was so good it was painful.

like a statue in the sky...

So it has been offered for us to move to Cali with the **** family to make "Oh, the Horror". (The **** family is the family of an A-list actor.)

Rent free.

They know people out there with money and money is what we need to get this movie filmed and in theaters so you guys can enjoy the amazingness that is this movie script.

There are a lot of different things that have to go the right way for this move to happen. Donnie is scheduled to call **** tonight @ 10 to discuss in more detail the accomodations and conditions with us living there in L.A. with them. But, barring and problems or issues, we are all in agreeance... Let's fucking go.



In other news, I got the transfer to another department I put in for about 2 months ago.

It means $1/hr raise and a better supervisor who knows exactly how good I am at my job. I spoke with her today and she even said that she had a "special plan" for me once I officially start on her team. May 14th, bonnnnnnngggggg. That extra money is perfect either way. More money to move with, or it's more money for a baby... **As if that ever happens**

Not to mention that we are not TTC right now because of the potential move and subsequent movie filming. Matter, of fact I need to lose 15 lbs!

To quote Donnie, "What happens, happens..." But I feel like this is the universe's way of telling us it is not time. We still want to have a baby super bad, but now we have these huge choices ahead and it is very clear to me why I am still not "knocked up".



It's funny how life works out.

No pity party...

On to cycle 9.

If it keeps on raining...

Sometimes I think that I am the only one bordering on obsession with this TTC. Maybe it's the female mindset, I'm not sure.


It came to my attention that I am not alone. We both want this so much, it hurts. Maybe it was the loss before that makes everything race towards desperation... I don't know.

We were so close.




In other news, we got a kitten. I surprised Donnie with it for our Anniversary.

Meet General Grievous.

well...

if we're going to take it back to 8th grade;

You're just jealous because I'm so much hotter/cooler/smarter/better than you.



"Love me or hate me it's still an obsession"

You just can't get enough can you?

Hey, Anon!

I don't believe in god, but thanks for trying.

Next, please.

self-inflicted introspection

Now I know. It's been eating at me for days now. I couldn't put my finger on it.

April 11th marks one year from the day I had an ultrasound and saw there was no heartbeat.

Easily, the worst day of my entire life. A part of me died that day. I can't even remember much in the days that followed. I was just so devestated I blocked out so much.

My EDD was tough. I got plastered. I survived. Halloween was always my favorite holiday, now it's bittersweet.

I got my tattoo in March to help me grieve. I was holding the pain in and this was my way to heal. It worked. I no longer feel guilty, or regret.

Now that I am staring down the barrel of the worst of "anniversaries", I'm losing it again. I cried so long and hard last night I as sick.

Donnie hurts too. I see it in his eyes when I am hysterical over it. It never stops hurting. It is still just as heart breaking, now, 12 months later. I don't know what to do.

Part of me feels that getting pregnant again will help. I've been told by others who have lost and then conceived again, that it really really does make it easier. But at the same time, I am worried that I am focusing too much on having another child and not paying attention to the other things that I need to work on.

Will I regret not pursuing my career options?

Will I regret getting pregnant, because once there, I will realize there were things I missed out on?

Donnie sat me down yesterday and said, "Jess, there will be other movies. You can still be an actor after having a child." Wow. ummm, now what?

He also told me that despite officially, "taking a break" he's been trying to get me pregnant for the past 3 cycles and everytime that AF comes, he is disappointed.
Um, wow again.

I think our decision is pretty clear.

I cannot handle the obsessing.

No temping, ugh! I hated the obsessing over a chart. All my charts showed very distinct ovulation. I don't need to confirm that. I'll probably buy OPK's so I can just pinpoint O in advance since there is a few day fluctuation for my O day.

So now, C6 of officially trying begins. (Really it's cycle 8, neither of us would admit we were trying in secret).

Once again, there is peace in the Allen household.

Balance is a minor setback

Isn't it odd that I can't seem to find kindred spirits that are female?

With the exception of the few friends I've recently found (you know who you are), why are females so frustratingly asinine?


There's probably no answer to that.


Onward.