Thursday, May 31, 2007

Will you cry for me...

or will you cry with me?

I gotta just keep reminding myself that 90% of the population has an IQ of under 100.

I'm not entirely sure where I said that I care about hurting the feelings of those who can't be grown up enough to put a name on childish insults.

My neck injury is finally better. *fingers crossed* Dr Tian and I spoke about getting pregnant. When I told him that we are on C 10, he laughed at me and asked why I had not asked him about this earlier. Last year alone he helped 20 couples conceive and carry to term successfully. He is very confident in being able to treat my body and 'jumpstart' everything into working in optimal efficiency. He gave me 4 different kinds of herbal supplements, 2 to take before O and 2 others for after O. The ones for pre-O are to enrich the lining and strengthen the quality of O. The post-O herbs are to encourage implantation and keep hormone levels in perfect balance. He says the post O herbs will solve and LP defect (if any) that I may be developing.

So, one acupuncture treatment later, I am feeling a little bit of my hope restored.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Since when...

is "being ready" a requirement for getting pregnant? Let's go ask the 16 year old HS girl who got knocked up on prom night if she was "ready.

But that is beside the point...

All the things that seem to get thrown back in my face are things in my past.

Let's just clear the air.

Did I used to have issues with self mutilation?-- Yes. But, darling, that was 4 years ago. Drop it.

Was I a rancid bitch in HS?--Absolutely. But, before you judge, do you know anything about my high school experiences? Maybe you were unaware of the abuse I endured... but, it's cool, go ahead judge me on my actions from 4 years ago, we've already established that with topic number one.

Have I done things before that maybe weren't the smartest/wisest/kindest things to do?--Definitely. So have you. Get over yourself.

As far as "issues" that I need to work on... believe me, I am well aware of my faults. In no way do I blame "anon" or even anyone in my past for my problems. Why do you have so much free time that you sit around and stretch for things to use against me? Take a look at yourself before your flaws overrun your sad existance. I'm fully capable of handling my life.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Well, well, well...

Double digits now?

Cycle 10.

I'm a little concerned about the random shortness of mt last 2 cycles.


Saturday, May 19, 2007

He laid emeralds in her eyes...

There are points in life when you are asked to look back on your life and and defend or bemoan choices you have made.

"Do you regret anything you've done in the past?"

A question such as that is far deeper than its simplistic nature implies.

Who are you going to incriminate for the mistakes you've made in your life?
Whom will you give credit for the blessings you've received?

My response is; Everything is building toward something.

A simplistic example is as follows.

You drink waaaaay too much, get sick, vomit uncontrollably, and then wake up the next day with a hangover so bad you wish you could just die.

Do you regret it?


Do you learn from it and use it as a valuable lesson?

Maybe it's a bit idealist of me, but I regret nothing. That is not to say, by any means that I have not made mistakes or choices that were less than ideal. I'm sure someone will decide they should point out my flaws because somehow they feel like I think I am perfect. I am far from perfect.
"If people were perfect, the would fly..." Indeed.

I am insanely happy with my life. I have a beautiful, intelligent, caring husband who loves and adores me unconditionally. I firmly believe that life is measured by the people you have in yours, and by that theory, I am filthy rich.

To all those who make my life so complete, I owe you my gratitude. I hope that I am as integral in your lives as you are in mine.

Monday, May 14, 2007


sarcasm must be hard to understand for some people.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Did someone say "Happy Mother's Day"?

Yay, presents!!!

Donnie's shoes

My shoes, except the polka dot area is lime green with white spots and the black panel is dark green.

My new bra... only it's lime green with yellow lining.

Not to mention the knee high tube socks with stripes at the top. Think 1970s, baby!

Not a bad day if I do say so myself.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

If you cross me, I will cut you.

There's this guy, we'll call him Joe. He was Donnie's best friend for years, was there for him when others weren't.

When Donnie and I first met, Joe waited until Donnie wasn't around, and tried to hit on me. This was after Donnie had told him that he thought "this is the girl for me". It bothered me. I told Donnie, and though, not surprised, he was a little hurt by it.

Fast forward a few weeks to when Donnie and I moved to NY from FL. Joe took this as a personal insult. He felt like Donnie had abandoned him for me...

The entire 6 months we were there he called us once. We had AIM on the phone and he would very occassionally talk to Donnie on there. After we lost the baby, Donnie and I were understandably distraught. One night I could not sleep, and I IMed Joe and told him that if he still considers Donnie a friend, he should call because Donnie could really use a friend right now. That was it. I did not tell him why, or say anything other than that. He did not even reply to me. So, set the phone aside and went to bed.

Later that night, I woke up to Donnie have a panic attack. Joe had told him that he had "talked to me" and I had "told him everything".

I was livid and at that moment I wrote him off. He lied to Donnie just to get him to turn against me.

--Now a little background on this guy. He is in a signed band (whoopdifuckingdoo). Atg the time we met him, he had one daughter, and another kid on the way with a porn actress, stripper mother.

He's kind of a low life if you add everything up.

When we moved back to FL, we never told him, but he eventually found out and started bugging us to hang out. After a while, I caved and (for Donnie's sake only) decided to put aside my hatred for the guy and hang out with him and his new girlfriend.

Well, after saying something about how we were TTC, they announced that they were expecting. She was on birth control at the time and he had another kid less than 6 months old. Bottom line was that they did not want the baby.

Add this to the fact that when we would make plans he would bail nearly constantly, or just would not show up. I was over him, once again.

It hurt, but conveniently after that, Joe kinda faded away and quit contacting us.

I thought that was the end of this soap opera...

Oh, fuck no. Now both Joe and the gf (whom, while pregnant, Joe left to go back to the porn girl because she had more money) are bugging us to hang out again.

Am I wrong to still resent them? Not so much her, but him. She just seems to be a nice girl caught up in his "web". He's a manipulator by nature. I don't think I can stand by and act happy about this. Donnie knows this. It's just going to be so hard for me to smile while deep down the very sight of them and their baby girl make me want to burst into tears.

It's probably selfish. But at this point, I've given this guy so many chances and what have I gotten out of it other than disappointment and pain?

Donnie still feels obligated. He owes Joe for certain things that he has done for him in the past.

I just don't know.

I can only be so strong, but is this really pushing my limits or am I just unwilling to try because it is such a sore subject for me.

I will do it, for Donnie. I won't like it, but I am an actress. This is just one of my most challenging roles.

Once again, the universe is testing me and I refuse to fail.

Monday, May 7, 2007

I think we would look great dead....

One of my favorite "modern" bands is coming to St. Pete State Theater next month and I can hardly wait.

He Is Legend = greatest band to exist since the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I hate new music. Can you tell?

99% of the time you'll catch me listening to Led Zepplin and Guns 'N' Roses. The new shit just ain't got no soul....

I'm rambling.

I was waiting in line at the deli counter at the grocery store to get my sandwich meat and pregnant woman after pregnant woman got in line around me. What the hell, man? I think the universe is testing my resolve. I'll pass, I always do. These little tests are just getting old.

No car for us. Don't get me started on that topic, It was a miracle that I managed not to drive my car striaght through the floor to ceiling plate glass windows in the front of the dealership. Liars, all of them.

Not really.

But, god, is it nice to say it.

This week is my last in my current department. Then I move to insurance and I get a $1/hr raise and get to be under the awesome supervisor who doesn't micromanage whatsoever. Fun times.

If I ever owned a racehorse, I would soooo name it Pants, Pants Pants.