Sunday, April 8, 2007

self-inflicted introspection

Now I know. It's been eating at me for days now. I couldn't put my finger on it.

April 11th marks one year from the day I had an ultrasound and saw there was no heartbeat.

Easily, the worst day of my entire life. A part of me died that day. I can't even remember much in the days that followed. I was just so devestated I blocked out so much.

My EDD was tough. I got plastered. I survived. Halloween was always my favorite holiday, now it's bittersweet.

I got my tattoo in March to help me grieve. I was holding the pain in and this was my way to heal. It worked. I no longer feel guilty, or regret.

Now that I am staring down the barrel of the worst of "anniversaries", I'm losing it again. I cried so long and hard last night I as sick.

Donnie hurts too. I see it in his eyes when I am hysterical over it. It never stops hurting. It is still just as heart breaking, now, 12 months later. I don't know what to do.

Part of me feels that getting pregnant again will help. I've been told by others who have lost and then conceived again, that it really really does make it easier. But at the same time, I am worried that I am focusing too much on having another child and not paying attention to the other things that I need to work on.

Will I regret not pursuing my career options?

Will I regret getting pregnant, because once there, I will realize there were things I missed out on?

Donnie sat me down yesterday and said, "Jess, there will be other movies. You can still be an actor after having a child." Wow. ummm, now what?

He also told me that despite officially, "taking a break" he's been trying to get me pregnant for the past 3 cycles and everytime that AF comes, he is disappointed.
Um, wow again.

I think our decision is pretty clear.

I cannot handle the obsessing.

No temping, ugh! I hated the obsessing over a chart. All my charts showed very distinct ovulation. I don't need to confirm that. I'll probably buy OPK's so I can just pinpoint O in advance since there is a few day fluctuation for my O day.

So now, C6 of officially trying begins. (Really it's cycle 8, neither of us would admit we were trying in secret).

Once again, there is peace in the Allen household.


Kat said...

Wow, this is all so bittersweet. Im sorry for your "anniversary"...I cant even begin to understand that pain. However, Im glad you decided to stay on the bandwagon with TTC. Whatever you and Donnie decide will be what is best for you both...I believe that!

Anonymous said...

Jess, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I can't imagine or empathize- but I wish I could ease some of it for you.

I just wanted to tell you that I pull for you every month- even though you are "TAB". I agree that your hearts seem to be in sync & telling you what you both want & I hope you get it very soon.

Jenn (jk215 from WebMD)