A break from the negative...

Quinlon has officially slept from 10PM-6AM without waking or nursing for 10 days. I am so proud of my big boy for finally mastering this skill when HE was ready. Sure, I was ready lonnnnng ago because 19 months is a LONG time to go with only 3-4 hour sleep increments, but I was determined to let him learn it peacefully and at his own pace.

The pay off is so sweet.


Just in time for 1st trimester insomnia/body temp/achiness issues. But let's look at the bright side, my boobies are getting a break at night too.

Bad day.

I'm losing the ability to take comfort in the morning sickness aka all day sickness and constant nausea.


I'm hitting a wall and not sure where to turn.


I just want some fucking peanut butter, is that too much to ask?

Fuck me running.

It's a dark path we tread these days.

C'mon Senate. Kill it good.

8 weeks and antsy

Little Panda is 8 weeks along (well, 6 weeks gestation yadda, yadda, yadda) and I feel antsy. I guess it's because this is a big trigger milestone for me. 3 1/2 years ago I went in at 8 weeks for an u/s and instead of happiness, got hit by a Mack truck of heartbreak.

And earlier feelings of confidence start to crumble a little when facing this milestone. Too early for movement to reassure me, and too early to reliably find the heartbeat on doppler (some very skilled care providers can around 8-9 weeks, my midwife with Q included. 9 weeks on the button we heard his little thumper).

Deep breath.

Still feel like shit, but it is so duplicitous because I didn't have reduction in symptoms with my miscarriage.

Deep down, I still feel like she is fine, but being a bit burnt by the past makes the ugly bitch doubt creep in. I've had a few dreams of losing her which I am sure is just my subconscious fears bubbling to the surface when I fitfully sleep.




Ugh, anyone wanna whiny clingy toddler? I'm totally not feeling capable of him today.

One day at a time.

That is my current mantra. Some days are hellacious with me running to the toilet or dry heaving until my eyes water every hour and some are only moderately uncomfortable with just a general feeling of ickiness.

Each day is one day closer to the end of the miserable part. It will get more fun... at least I *think* I remember it is fun at some point.

Last night we switched rooms around. When we moved into this apartment, the front room closest to the door, which is the biggest room and the only one with an installed wall ac/heat unit was the bedroom. Even with a king size bed and 2 wardrobes it was still just a big empty space. The living room was the smaller back room with the balcony and newer windows that are less drafty and definitely QUIETER. Finally, I gave in and we switched the two. Now the living room is big enough for a tea table, a toddler play area, 2 couches and the TV. YAY! Last night wasn't bad. I expected a little hiccup in sleeping pattern because of the slightly new surroundings, but luckily Quinlon was pretty good. I probably had more issues because of it than he did. Just a different set of sounds to adjust too since I was so used to the constant NOISE from the street in the other room.

Tomorrow, I should hear something about the doctor situation. But lately, the more I think about it, the less I am willing to have a hospital birth if we are normal and low risk. I don't want the temptation of drugs even available, because I know how easy it is to give in to the promise of relief in that moment of labor when you hit The Wall. (If you are good at reading between lines you will have read that as "When I was in transition I begged for drugs like cat in heat" ;-))

I'm still pursuing other options of care. I've joined a message board for international midwives and found that it is NOT uncommon for some to travel to mamas just to deliver babies in natural home birth ways in cultures where that standard of care is hard to find. If you pray, I would appreciate any spare prayers or positive thoughts you can send our way that I can find someone willing to do this for us. That situation would mean normal prenatal care in whatever fashion I find best for the time being and a special midwife flying in to hang out around the due date of little Panda. Pretty cool, all in all.

Ok enough of my rambling... I'm really sort of jumbled and overwhelmed today so I just typed what spewed out of my head. If you read it all, you must be either very bored or... well, very bored.

Call me an alarmist...

But modern prenatal care scares me in a LOT of ways. Not just the worrisome rate of C-section in the US, but more recently, a midwife friend of mine brought the concern with ultrasounds and doppler usage to my attention.

We're basically bombarding a growing unborn baby with ultra sonic sound waves. Did you know the military uses sound waves as a weapon now? Sound is nothing to fuck around with. There is REAL energy carried in sound waves. Think about when you go somewhere with super loud bass how it thumps uncomfortably in your chest...

There is a blog I follow (but don't always read because sometimes the information is really upsetting (because it's true) that is well written and researched with documentation. This is an excerpt from a article posted there.

"From 2,834 pregnant women, 1,415 received ultrasound imaging at 18,24, 28, 34 and 38 weeks gestation (intensive group) while the other 1,419 received single ultrasound imaging at 18 weeks (regular group). The only difference between the two groups was significantly higher (one-third more) intrauterine growth retardation in the intensive group. This important and serious finding prompted the authors to state: "It would seem prudent to limit ultrasound examinations of the fetus to those cases in which the information is likely to be of clinical importance". Ironically, it is now likely that ultrasound may lead to the very condition, IUGR, that it has for so long claimed to be effective in detecting."

The very ultrasound tools we use today were originally used to detect flaws in metal. Metal isn't alive, so who cares if it is dangerous to growing tissue, right? I mean, the creator obviously wasn't expecting the technology to be borrowed by a Scottish doctor to look at tumors and then later at unborn babies.

Prior to u/s technology, doctors routinely used X-RAYS to check fetal growth. WTF! And at the time, it was said that "antenatal work without the routine use of X-rays is no more justifiable than would be the treatment of fractures".

It just alarms me that we run around blasting our unborn kids with ultrasounds on a monthly basis in some cases for the purpose of checking growth.

Trust me, I had a miscarriage. One where I didn't even know until 2 weeks AFTER the fact because my body still thought I was pregnant. I understand the peace of mind peeking at that little heartbeat provides, but does anyone ever stop to think that a technology barely 30 years old with very little study into it's complete safety shouldn't be handed out like candy? It's a GREAT diagnostic tool, but nowadays we have companies providing "fun ultrasounds" and a album of pictures for the family book... Scary.

I'm not bashing anyone who does have repeated u/s. It's all your choice but in light of what I've been reading, I am glad I had a midwife last pregnancy who was "anti-frivolous ultrasound" (her words) and only had 2 with Q.

We have a health care system who has repeatedly pushed things to the medical market before being certain they are 100% safe (viox, effexor, etc) so it definitely raises some flags for me knowing what I have learned.

Something to think about, yes?

In response

"Anonymous said...

Good luck getting your requests met, Jessi, and congratulations on the new pregnancy!

I've been reading your blog for a while and have been wondering something. I'm guessing you and Donnie don't intend to become Chinese citizens, and therefore won't be subject to the infamous "one child" policy in China. But does the policy and/or the culture that has resulted from it made things more challenging for you? Do you expect to get some stares when you and Donnie are walking around with two kids? (A friend of mine who is a mother of three is planning to move to China in the spring. During their orientation, they were told to be prepared for that kind of thing.)

Thanks!"

I've already encountered a little of the disbelief bred by the one child policy. One of Donnie's student immediately asked if I needed help getting an abortion. And another asked incredulously how I was going to chase Quinlon around while pregnant. In both cases simply explaining that it's normal and common in our culture was hard for them to swallow.

I am actually sort of dreading once I begin to show. We get stares as it is... I know it will only grow exponentially once it is apparent that we are having a second child. As it is, we are semi-famous. Q is a little celebrity and gets away with near murder in public because he is foreign. It definitely works to our advantage most of the time, but the attention is exhausting.

"I hope that you are able to find a care provider who will accomodate your wishes. Is the high rate of C-sections related to the restrictions that were placed on the number of children allowed (opting for a surgical delivery so that tubes could be tied)? It is just so odd for a nation that places such emphasis on more traditional and holistic therapies!"

Yeah, but they are trying to phase out TCM in favor of Western medicine. ::sigh:: A lot of C-sections are so they can just get tubes tied at once, but there is also a social fear about your lady bits getting stretched out and not being pleasing to your husband after vaginal birth. Yeah, I'll give you a second to process that. My Chinese friend also said that at the public hospitals, it is not uncommon for Drs to get tired of waiting on women in labor and just rush to a section for scheduling reasons. Yeah I am sure your panties are as twisted as mine were.

My demands are a bit free thinking for their society. Remember they are communist and a big part of that social aspect is doing what you are told and not questioning things. We so totally do NOT fit in LOL