Sunday, December 21, 2008

Holiday havoc...

seriously. There is just something about this holiday that makes people nutso.

DongZhi is tomorrow and I still have to go to the Chinese grocery to get the ingredients necessary for our soup. Quinlon's Dongzhi gift is ready to go, and we have tentatively decided to give it to him in bed when he first wakes up, but we're still kicking around ideas on how to start this tradition.

And the real highlight of my holiday shopping accomplishments is that I scored the most gorgeous doll for Quinlon for under $30.

That is from Santa, though. It's not actually here yet, still in transit. Keeping my fingers crossed that the USPS doesn't screw it up for me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Happy 200 posts!

I missed my 100 mark... totally forgot to even pay attention to it, but I have been watching the count down to 200 closely so I could celebrate it!

I just finished Christmas shopping for the dragon.

He is getting a baby doll from mommy and daddy.

And Santa is bringing him:
A custom monkey lovey that has a big 'Q' on it's tummy
A toy car
a hand dyed play silk
and some wool jingle balls

We managed to do an entirely handmade Christmas on our tight tight budget. I am so happy.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

While it's on my mind...

I wanted to share what our family's holiday is about.

We don't celebrate Christmas. Not in the Christian or religious sense anyway. As Taoists, we do not believe there is a sentient higher power by any name, let alone "God". So it makes celebrating a Christian holiday designed to convert pagans by scheduling it near a pagan holiday a bit ridiculous.

What we do recognize is the significance of the winter solstice. The DongZhi holiday is similar to Thanksgiving in the fact that it is centered around a special meal and focuses on family.

Our personal holiday is a fusion of our childhood experiences and Taoist traditions that have new meaning to us as a family breaking out on our own and creating our family traditions. This is the first year that we will have our own nuclear family celebration because, in previous years we spent it at my Granny's house. It just feels appropriate that this year, our son's first DongZhi set the standard for many many happy years to come.

Oh, and Santa stays. The belief that there was a magical man who flew all around the world to give all the children presents amazed and excited me and I want my children to get to enjoy that magic too.

So we will hang stockings, read "The Night Before Christmas", gorge ourselves on traditional yumminess, and await Santa on the same schedule as everyone else...


on the solstice, which usually falls on the 21st or 22nd, we will give each other the presents from ourselves and enjoy Tang Yuan (balls of glutenous rice symbolizing reunion) and celebrate the amazingness that is nature's cycles.

I have to say, I would be pretty damn happy as a kid to get two celebrations in one month!

Today is going to be fun

Last night, Quinlon randomly spiked a fever of 101.2. Other than being crabby as hell, he had no other symptoms, so we theorized it is likely teething.

We had a surprisingly good night until around 6 AM this morning when we had a 45 minute screaming fit during which my thorough exam found nothing amiss and the temp was still just a touch above 101.

So far today, still no symptoms other than a temperature of consistently 101ish and crankiness. It's barely 11 AM and he is on his second nap of the day too. He won't let me set him down let alone leave his sight. I am thoroughly enjoying the cuddles, but he is making getting anything more than sitting on my ass accomplished quite challenging. Hopefully, this will pass soon enough and I can have my happy, bubbly, flirty boy back.

Monday, December 8, 2008

As if this wasn't hard enough...

My child cannot decide if he prefers sleeping on side, back or tummy.

Oh, man...

Random news and updates

I've been jokingly proclaiming that "Quinlon ate my butt" since just after I had him. It was obvious my once prominent ghetto booty was a bit smaller and less bubbly than before my pregnancy. I didn't realize just how accurate this statement was until yesterday.

Old Navy was having a one day sale on jeans. $35 jeans for $12. Solid! I am beyond broke, but it was most definitely time to stop wearing pants that, if tugged even slightly by a cruising child, would come completely off.

Soooo, pre-pregnancy size 9/10 has turned into a perfect size 6! And, now that I have jeans that fit, my complete LACK of ass has never been so glaringly apparent. It's completely flat. I kid you not! I am having a bit of an identity crisis... I mean, I was proud of that badonkadonk and now I have the typical white girl anti-ass. Donnie says he loves it... and honestly, that is all that matters anyway. I've just got some MAJOR self image adjustments to make, not that I am not thrilled to be a size 6 for the first time in at least 3 years.

I guess this is what I get for joking so much about the baby eating my butt.

In other news, we are sleep training Quinlon again. It's going to be a two phase process. First line of attack is helping him learn how to self soothe. He really never figured it out on his own and needs me to pat him in order to fall asleep. At 8 months old, he is developmentally ready to be taught that he can put himself to sleep. Sounds easy enough in theory, but my child is strong-willed, spirited, and has the classic Allen temper. So far he has gotten better and even had one night that he did it completely on his own (a fluke, of course, but I am still proud).

Phase 2 involves cutting back his night time nursing. Quinlon still nurses a minimum of 3-4x a night. And that is on a good night. Nights like last nights are more like 5-6x times and are incredibly exasperating for mama.

But first things first... we gotta get past phase 1.

Yesterday really was a wonderful day! I anonymously received a pair of Wild Child Woollies longies for Quinlon! A dear friend who has yet to reveal themselves sent them as a generous gift knowing that money for us is beyond tight and has been a sore spot for us for quite some time. On top of getting new jeans and a new skinny self image, this was just the highlight of my day.

Also, the whole Martin-Weber clan and I went and painted ornaments at their church. Quinlon made a huge mess and, unsurprisingly, managed to even eat some of the glaze. But, Grandparents will be thrilled to get them as Christmas gifts.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

How I met the love of my life...

By request, here is the somewhat silly chain of events that brought me forever happiness.

December of 2005, I was living with my ex boyfriend after shuffling from couch to couch since I had no place of my own. To say that things were shitty is an understatement really. This particular ex, was an asshole and a half. He cheated on me 2 separate times with 2 different 17 year olds... (he was 23, I might add). So, even though I was still living there, we were done with. This all happened in the few days after the Christmas I spent alone with his psychotic cats while he lived it up in Atlanta at his parents' house and avoided my calls, texts and IMs. Real winner, right?

So... on a lovely Friday night spent at the apartment alone, I was browsing profiles in the area on myspace. Came across Donnie's (and a few others who were cute) and just sent a few messages hoping to find someone to keep me company via the interweb. None of them responded, except Donnie.

Jan 9, 2006 2:51 PM
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RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

you my dear......are
i have to go to work now......if you want......text me...:
i would like to talk to you.....
work = poop
and send me your aim name....

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jessisaurus
Date: Jan 9, 2006 12:37 PM

you = adorable

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: love threats and death letters.......
Date: Jan 8, 2006 11:12 AM

anytime... <3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jessisaurus
Date: Jan 8, 2006 9:37 AM

bravo on reading the meaningless rambling of miy profile... <3


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: outlined in chalk
Date: Jan 8, 2006 7:36 AM

hows it going?
i hope you didnt wake up sad today.......


The very last message I sent was from my Granny's house on a pit stop on my way to Destin from Tampa. I was moving in with my aunt to get a fresh start and try to put myself through cosmetology school.

He called me from work... snuck into the bathroom and called me while I was on the road. He couldn't wait to talk to me and risked his job over it.

That night, after he was home from work, Donnie and I talked on the phone for 10 hours straight.

The same the next night.

The third night was only 8 hours... ;p

On January 12th he drove 7 hours from New Port Richey to Destin, FL just to meet me.

It was love at first sight.

But, due to the odd living situations of BOTH of us, there was no way for us to be together... except for one. Donnie called his Dad and found out that he was having surgery and would need a hand. I thought I was going to lose this man right after I met him. Then he asked me to go with him. So less than 10 days after we met, we moved to NY together to live with his nutso family.

And, the rest is history.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's in his blood.

Ok, now that I have caught up on things...

Well, not really since that never actually happens. More like treading water constantly in these parts.

First things first: the questions from readers... it is time to answer them.

"I'd like to know how BLW [baby led weaning] is going..."
- It's going wonderfully. He took right to it and within about 2 weeks was feeding himself like a pro. We've tried soooo many foods and he loves eating off my plate. I love it!

"What is the most daring thing you'd like to try before you are too old to do so?"
- I'm quite the wild child and have done many things already, in my brief lifetime that others still fear to do. But, in all honesty, the most daring thing for me is write a book. First, I have to make my life worth reading about which, the first major step, is going to China. Then, I want to find the bravery to put all of myself down on paper for the world to see.

"How many babies do you think you will have? Got the itch for another?"
- Ultimately, we want 8 children. Yes, 8. Yes, I am most definitely crazy. This includes adopting one or two if possible. As far as the itch, yes and no... I am a bit sad sometimes to see how quickly my little baby is catapulting towards toddlerhood, but I am not a "newborn" person and still consider those first few months as a new kind of hell for me. It makes me a little sad that we have to wait for about 4-5 years to even try for a second because I am seeing how much Quinlon adores having other children around.

"are you scared at all about moving to a new country in the future? will it be difficult for you to adjust at all?"
- Not so much scared as... thrilled? Actually, I am not even sure that is the right word. As a Taoist, I believe fear is something that arises from the human desire to control their reality which goes against the natural way of things. The positive nerves far outweigh the worrisome ones. I am pretty sure the adjustment is going to be hard... moreso on us than Quinlon. He is a little trooper when it comes to just rolling with the punches. The language barrier is going to be rough but we are already working to overcome that with as much practice as we can now.

"i've got another one: i want to hear the story of how you met Donnie."

-This question deserves its own entry which I am going to type up in the next couple of days. I swear!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

He's on a roll....

Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I used to have mixed feelings about this holiday being that I have a deep sense of pride in my Native American heritage. Seems macabre to celebrate a holiday that is so steeped in genocidal slaughter.

I reconciled it by making Thanksgiving about family. To me, it is a time to cherish good food, friends, and all loved ones and sit back and count what you have been blessed with. The history behind the holiday upsets me, so I decided to separate them in my mind. It works for me and makes this holiday enjoyable and meaningful in it's special way.

So, in the spirit of MY version of Thanksgiving, I am taking the time to count the blessing the Tao has brought me.

A loving, devoted, amazing husband who loves me even when I am unloveable and has been a key factor in the exponential personal growth I have achieved in our time together. Donnie is my rock, always there to comfort and strengthen me. I cannot imagine my life without him and find it hard to remember how things were before him.

A gorgeous, intelligent, HEALTHY, son who lights up my every day. I could watch his peaceful, innocent face for hours while he sleeps and my heart melts every time he smiles at me. We fought long and hard to be able to have the privelege of being parents and each passing day, I am more and more grateful for the miracle of life. Mother is the greatest title I have ever and will ever hold. I see the world in hie eyes and I never want the light to fade. He gives me hope and helps fill a hole in my heart that losing our first child left there.

Wonderful, caring, generous friends who have put themselves out there for me when I needed it. Without their support, we might not have made it through the dark days intact. The Tao has brought so many amazing people into my life and when I sit back and think on it, I am truly beyond blessed to be a part of their hearts.

I have my health, and my sanity, a place to sleep and food to eat. There is nothing more that I can want for.

May the Tao bless you as richly as it has blessed me. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

(I will answer the questions from the precious blog post tomorrow).

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Breaking news...

William Wallace is alive and well and resides in Houston, TX.

He enjoys chasing vacuums and actively practices his war paint skills.

He looks so happy at first. Then super sad when he got caught.

Let's play a game...

I am curious as to what my readers are curious about.

So, ask me any question you want... no holds barred!

Monday, November 24, 2008

No nononono!!!

He cut a tooth. I can feel the edge of it all nice and sharp. Still can't really see it, but it's there and it's the beginning of the end of baby-ness.


I leave you with a recent video chock full of cute.

Free baby carrier?


I love love love our Beco, but really, I won't say no to a free organic Ergo.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

She's crafty.

Quinlon chose a lovey. Yay, right? Yeah, except he chose the one nursing night gown I own for those occasions I need to throw something on really quickly to leave my room. sigh.

It's long sleeve and knee length and just a cumbersome, bulky lovey. Sooooo, I made it into a gnome. I have enough to make another and possibly a third as back ups. I have a love/hate relationship with the sewing machine (more hate than love) but I managed to not fuck it up too badly.

Friday, November 21, 2008


"As your baby's muscles are becoming stronger, she's apt to lunge forward onto all fours from a sitting position. She may go into a "precrawl" exercise, rocking back and forth on hands and knees with her trunk parallel to the floor. Most babies begin to crawl between 7 and 10 months"

He's been crawling for a little over 2 months... I didn't realize that he was early. I guess he is worried more about locomotion than teething LOL. Still toothless, just have 2 bumps that never seem to sprout teeth.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

General musings during naptime before showering

There is a certain beauty in chaos. The noise, the movement, the overall madness and cacophony that envelops you.

I love it.

It just confirms I was meant to have a large family. Not to mention, Quinlon loves being the center of the craziness. He has adjusted sooooo easily to being in a house with 4 other children. He adores the older girls who dote on him and give him the attention he demands constantly and is fascinated by the youngest whom is only 2.5 months his senior. She is significantly less interested in him, but he seems to enjoy the thrill of the chase.

In the midst of the chaos, I feel quite together... oddly enough. I have really been focusing on the new perspective the Tao has given me and so happy in knowing I am bringing my life into harmony with the Tao. Personal cultivation feels so good.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Just a quick little smudsh before bed...

No time to type much since I am tired and my one glass of wine has kicked my ass...

but I leave you with adorableness at the park today.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Feeling very blue...

very, very blue. I love him so much.

I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep until this is over with. He is my world, and without him I am so lost.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I've been a bad Taoist...

although that sentence is fairly un-Taoist in nature since where the Tao is considered, there is no such thing as good or bad, only existence and subjective perception of it.

I've let a combination of familial circumstances, a trying child, financial crises, and personal conditions wind me up into a time bomb. I'm ashamed to admit that my beautiful, amazing, perfect son has taken the brunt of my frustrations. My patience has been shorter than its normal brevity and it's skewed my perspective so badly that I have found myself resenting the greatest blessing the Tao has ever bestowed on me.

The guilt is pretty heavy. My conscience is punishing me, which I more than deserve for allowing myself to lose my perspective and become so out of control.

But no more. Evolution is inevitable and I refuse to be left behind.

"Allow your life to unfold naturally
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection
Just as you breathe in and breathe out
Sometimes you're ahead and other times behind
Sometimes you're strong and other times weak
Sometimes you're with people and other times alone

To the Sage
all life is movement toward perfection
So what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?"

- Tao Te Ching, Verse 29

By being so reactive to my circumstances, no matter how difficult, I have been resisting the Tao and, therefore, my misery is no fault but my own. There is no misery when in harmony with the Tao, only contentment in the natural progression of life. Quinlon is only acting out of natural need and my frustration is coming from an inherent difficulty of splitting my focus that stems from YEARS of personal therapy to overcome ADHD. The Tao knew what it was doing when it gave me Quinlon... he is just another tool of Tao to help me evolve and become more at one with it.

Armed with this revelation, my perspective has made a complete change. It's like a light switch was flipped and now, I can see the tantrums, the screaming, the boycott on sleeping as just natural challenges to be met with patience, love, and a smile. At the end of the day, I have an amazing child that I get to mold and guide and teach the ways of the Tao. I have been given an incredible duty and I accept it happily and will do my best to never let it become a burden ever again.

From now on, just call me "Zen Mama" (not really, Zen is Buddhist. ;) but it gets the point across)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sweet, sweet sleep...

Who knew I would be overjoyed to only wake up every 2-3 hours for nursing? It was like heaven after the last 4 nights of insanity.

My cold is moving into my chest... so all I can do is just lay around and try to rest.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I've been nominated by Christina

I love blog awards and this is only my 2nd.

Here are the Rules:
1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received your award.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!

I nominate:
Sarah R
Jenny Mae
bleu (a new favorite)

Monday, November 10, 2008

Well, that is settled.

I called my friend and we are planning on Thursday being moving day. Now, to just break the news to my overly emotional mother.

On a happier note, even sick, Quinlon is a character.

Attacking the laptop...

Eating Mama's things on the table.

Using Mama as a jungle gym

.... and attacking the camera.

So far not so good.

9:09 PM - Quinlon falls asleep.

9:37 PM - Wakes up and mama has to pat for 7 minutes...


3 nights in a row of waking up every 15 minutes to an hour (mostly 15-30 minutes) ALL NIGHT LONG has left me sick, sleep deprived to the point of emotional collapse and an all around terrible mother who can only think of how much she sorta doesn't like her son so much.

I have never prayed so hard for something so simple in my life. I don't think I can physically take this another night. Even reflux newborn was better than this.

Wish us luck.

Yeah, that is enough of that.

We moved in with my parents about 3 months ago because we are going overseas for 5+ years early next year and I wanted them to have a chance to bond with Quinlon before we left. We didn't NEED to live with them. We had many other options, but for my peace of mind and conscience I wanted to give them a chance to spend time with Quinlon and maybe reconnect our dysfunctional relationship.

Well, relationship is still dysfunctional and on top of that, I get blamed for everything... so NOTHING has changed. I clean the house while everyone is at work, but maybe I forgot something, or Quinlon was having a bad day so I miss something, all hell breaks loose and I am told how I "do nothing around the house." DH is in Chicago working so it's just me with NO car and no way to escape anything. And when we first moved here, they PROMISED to help with the baby TONS and babysit him so I could work. Yeah, that didn't pan out. I feel lied to about that.

I have a friend who is going to train me to be a Doula in exchange for helping her around the house, with homeschooling her 3 girls, and short notice babysitting since she is on call for births. AND she will baby sit Quinlon in the evenings so I could get a part time job and actually get out of the damn house.

I tell my parents and their responses basically belittle me for making "dumb choices" and my mom pulls a guilt trip about not being with them for the holidays.

Umm, well, FIL is the ONLY granparent who has not even SEEN Quinlon yet, sorry, but I thought it might be a neat idea for him to meet his only grandson before we go overseas too.

Now that you are up to speed, today was just the last straw. My mom is sick. My Dad mentions WE (as in my 20 year old sister, 14 year ld brother and myself) should keep the kitchen picked up so my Mom doesn't do it. Agreed. I am feeling pretty shitty myself due to a teething, sick child who wakes up at night no less than 15x (26+ times last night) and refuses to go back to sleep unless I sit by his crib and pat him for 10 minutes.

Except, I am the only one who has done ANYTHING. But, oh fuck no, I forgot to wipe the counter top. Unloading and reloading the dishwasher and putting away my sister's cooking mess from hours ago was not enough. My Dad then berates ME for leaving the counter "filthy".

Where's my sister?


I am done. Fuck you. I am not staying for Thanksgiving. I don't care how much you boohoo. I do not deserve your shit just because you don't agree with my lifestyle.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

And they wonder why nothing gets done.

Caught dumping the laundry basket.

Notice the little red mark under the (looking at him) left side of his nose? That was our battle wound from busting our mouth on the coffee table while attempting the ever dangerous 180 degree turn from couch to coffee table. And don't forget the bruise on the top right of his forehead from a few faceplants onthe tile floor.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Brain jumble.

I rarely do bulleted posts... but I have a LOT on my mind and that seems the most effective way of emptying it into pixels.

- I am really more than sick of political ignorance. I wouldn't even type this from the perspective of my TRUE views, but from a neutral standpoint. My own sister even said in her own words that Obama is anti-christian and suddenly now baby killing and gays are going to run rampant. While I don't think this country is on a good path currently, that is even ludicrous to the most asinine person.

- Depression sucks. This is all triggered by my severe separation anxiety and the fact that my parents are the least understanding people I've ever met. This whole adventure living with them (only so that they could spend time with their grandson, mind you) has given me sad closure. My parents and I are from two different planets. They can't wrap their minds around why we do what we do and I cannot and will not conform to their standards. The small town mentality works for them... not me.

- I am officially TESL certified and once my certificate arrives, I'm applying for jobs in China like a madwoman. We are so close to living our dream.

- Teething sucks donkey testicles. That is all I have to say about that.

- Cruising is proving dangerous for Quinlon. So far we have 3 head bruises, a busted lip and numerous bumps and screaming fits. He is fearless and that very quality seems to be what is getting him hurt.

- I want sushi so bad I cry when I think about it.

- I can't wait to move to Houston to stay with an amazing friend and her family. She is going to teach me to be a Doula and all about homeschooling. NOt to mention I will be able to get a part time job!!!!

That is all I can think of for now. I need lunch and some wine. Too bad I only have lunch.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My observation for the day...

People are idiots.

Thank goodness.

No more fucking political ads.

The lesser of two evils is still evil... Just sayin'

In the midst of the political melee

I'm ignoring it all.

Day 2 without Donnie has been rough. Had a bad night which we later determined was because Q has two suspicious white bumps on his gums. The long anticipated teeth are coming.

It's been a doozy. Lots of whining and clinging and screaming.


Life just has me down. Back to my strawberry soda and cookies.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Mi Familia...

Nevermind the gross hair and no make up.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The sleep saga continued...

The unthinkable happened. My baby boy has decided he no longer wants to co-sleep. *sob* The first sign was a bad night filled with wrestling with him, getting hit in the face and my hair pulled. He just wouldn't stay asleep.

We tried the Pack N Play and he slept better, but still restlessly. But, every night since then has gotten significantly better.

So, while I am mourning the loss of my cuddly mommy/Quinlon snuggle time, I am rather enjoying the last few nights with Donnie sleeping in the same bed. I forgot how much I loved snuggling my husband.

Next project is to cut back on the number of night feedings. Quinlon loves his boobs with a passion and still nurses 3-4x a night.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Love me three times, babe...

I'm going away.

Oddly appropriate song stuck in my head.

I am a mess mentally right now. My brain is all over the place. Scattered and in complete disarray.

I am going to miss him so. It's quite depressing this situation.

I think I shall pick up writing again. I feel that this adversity has revived the creative spark that had disappeared from my soul for a long time.

I live for tomorrow.


And Happy Halloween.

Today was Evelyn's EDD.

I still struggle. I plan on spending today hugging Quinlon extra tight and taking full advantage of the time we have left together as a family before D leaves for 6 weeks.

Friday, October 31, 2008


Things are still going south here...

Donnie is going to Chicago for a job for 6 weeks and we are staying with friends because my parents seem to think I am still 16 and need to be treated as such.


Q is 7 months old yesterday. Where has time gone, seriously? He is a crawling master and has started pulling up on things, and yes, CRUISING. Mama is not prepared for this new level of mobility.

To make up for my infrequent posts, here are some of Q's professional 6 month pictures.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

He always knows how to make me smile...

We got fluffy mail today. Our custom order of Elbee diapers of which only one is ours since we can't afford $50 a diaper except for just one special one...

Anyway... without further ado, here is supermodel Quinlon.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


October sucks.

October 2006 = EDD of our dear Evelyn. Yeah, that was a shitty Halloween. I got so trashed I don't remember it. I still feel guilty for that. I was hiding from the pain in a handle of Jack Daniels.

October 2007 - Donnie's aunt (who was like a second mother to him) died.

October 2008 - Donnie's best friend since 4th grade hangs himself in his basement widowing his 7 month pregnant wife.


There really are no words for this. Donnie flew to NY to be with the family. He was family to them. He said it was the hardest thing in his entire life to see his friend's father break down and sob like a baby.

It really hits far too close to home for me. My boyfriend in HS shot himself in the head. I was the one who found him. I also missed his phone call, possibly his cry for help, my chance to save him. It regurgitates so many raw feelings that I thought I had left behind.

But, damn, it makes me appreciate my beautiful husband and amazing son. Certain aspects of my life are complete and utter shit right now, but I wake up to two beautiful boys and I can't really say that I NEED more.

Hug your loved ones tightly. They are the most precious things in this world.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Car seat woes...

Mother in law was sweet enough to buy us a travel system (after being told not to) for Quinlon. Sadly, she didn't have the foresight to even get the safest one, but got the one with the flashy name (Eddie Bauer). Subsequently, we hate the fucking thing. The carseat is freaking HEAVY and the stroller is bulky and awkward. We've used the stroller all of 3x. We use our Beco Butterfly baby carrier more often than anything because it is a miracle worker.

Had she asked what we wanted, I would have told her a Britax convertible seat.

So here we are, Quinlon reaching the limits of the abominable infant seat and scrambling for something affordable.

Father in law was sweet enough to give us $100 to spend on Quinlon. Awesome. Now, the issue I am facing is that none of the GOOD seats are under $100. I take that back, there are 2 that are, but I was hoping I could get a gently used one for cheaper since Q also needs a few other items as well.

All of this had me thinking of all the things I have learned by trial and error since Quinlon was born. Many of these things I would do completely differently now. So, just for posterity's sake, I am going to write out all the things I am going to do differently next time.

1. We will get a crib, but use it as a modified co-sleeper by taking the front panel off and pushing it flush against the bed.

2. Start out with a diaper stash that resembles our "stash nirvana" now. GMD prefolds, OBV prefolds, and wool.

3. A GOOD swing is a must from day one.

4. LOT'S of babywearing.

5. NO onsies. Insist on ALL t-shirts. It's gotten annoying to cut all his onsies into shirts so he can wear them with his gorgeous wool clothing.

6. BIG swaddling blankets are worth their weight in gold.

7. The kimono shirt with the little mitt flaps are a LIFESAVER - stock up on them!

8. NUrsing bras are a waste of money. Front clasp regular bras or sports bras worm much better and are half the price.

9. Infant seats suck. Get an convertible seat from day one.

I'm sure I will be adding to this as time goes by, but I feel soooo much more prepared for next time.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hard thoughts

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

If everyone would take a moment and pray for all the mothers who have lost babies, unborn or otherwise, I would appreciate it.

This day is especially poignant for me because my angel's EDD was Halloween. October is always a touch and go month for me since that year because of that. Here I am with my beautiful, amazing son and I thank the Tao that I have been blessed with the honor of being his mother. His sister is his guardian spirit and he will grow up knowing that she protects him everyday.

Being a mother is so amazing and humbling, even moreso after you have felt the excruciating pain of having your child taken from your arms, your heart before you had the chance to watch them grow.

Hug your little ones extra tight today and say a thank you to the powers that be that you have them in your life.

Coming up for air.

Many happenings in this house. The most significant of which is Quinlon is now officially crawling and has me running around like a lunatic trying to baby proof things and fishing random objects from his mouth.

We're still plugging away with solids. He has decided his favorite is cucumber slices and gnaws them until they are soggy shredded messes. Still no sign of any teeth, but I can't say that I am all that sad about keeping the gummy smiles as long as possible since he is growing up in every other way so very fast.

As of 6 months, he weighed 19.3 lbs and was 27 1/4 inches long.
Length = in percentile 75
Weight = between percentile 50 and 75

He has recently figured out how to taunt the dog much to our amusement and the dog's dismay. The dog adores Quinlon and he enjoys her company as well, but she has a nasty habit of licking his mouth so we yell at her a lot when she is too near or too friendly with Quinlon. He will hold out a toy that he knows she wants, usually a stuffed animal of some sort, and when she comes to investigate, he swoops in with the other hand and grabs a fearsome fistful of hair.

Quinlon also has an odd fondness for one of my mother's wooden spoons. He ignores the teethers we've spent good money on and gnaws the spoon like it is made out of steak. He also has deadly accuracy with that thing and I have the bruises and bumps to prove his violent talent.

Today he pooped on the floor. He fled a diaper change while I was gathering a forgotten wipe and seemed content so I took my time and tidied up a few things only to realize that things smelled a bit off and found him crawling about and leaving a trail of the gross semi solid food, semi breast fed poo all over the room. :x He thought it was a great game and ran from me when I went to grab him and strip him down for a good wipe down.

I leave you with some pictures of our adventures of late.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Allen Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

FUCK yeah. I win.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Color me crestfallen...

Yeah. Nothing for us. No visits with family. Nope.

I knew better than to get my hopes up... Some people never learn.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I'm feeling queasy.

Donnie is currently at the tournament, likely performing, or preparing to do so.

I won't really hear from him until tonight, and, honestly, the waiting is going to give me a heart attack. I am so nervous for him, it is making my stomach knot up.


Please send prayers and positive thoughts Donnie's way. In less than 8 hours he will be competing.



I've been tagged by Sarah. I won't lie. I'm lazy and this feels a lot like work right now. I am currently enjoying my first quiet moment since my sister took Quinlon over to a neighbor's house for a bit.

Random facts about moi:

1. I once sang the national anthem at an NBA basketball game.

2. I am addicted to Cadbury Cream Eggs. If they were sold year round, it is likely I would weigh 50 lbs more than I do now.

3. I can't sleep at night unless I put lip balm on. More specifically, Burt's Bees chapstick.

4. I am completely co-dependent on Donnie. When he's not here, I count the minutes until he will get home and when he is away I walk a fine line between being ok and having constant nervous breakdowns.

5. I am a true geek at heart. Comic books, Star Wars, Discovery Channel, the whole nine yards.

6. I have a photographic memory, but a terrible chronological memory.

7. I'm over 1/8th Cherokee.

I tag...

Hell, I can't think of 2 more. I'm fricking tired.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Stuntman Quin

I should have taken it as a sign when I got grey hairs when he was still inutero.

3 falls in 4 days.

Sunday night he flipped backwards off the bed and clipped his head on the bedside table.

He cried and cried and once we was calm, I cried just as hard as he did.

Then today, he was laying across my legs and he THREW himself off my lap and onto the tile floor. Unlike the first mishap, this one left a rather large goose egg on his noggin. We recovered nicely after some cuddles and nursing...

Fast forward a few hours. Yes, a few hours when Quinlon inch worm crawled his way off the bed during naptime. He missed all hard objects and landed on a pillow that had fallen off before him. Stopped crying the moment I picked him up.

I have a daredevil on my hands. With me sitting right there he tries to scoot head first off the edge of things. So, the issue of not having a place for him to sleep other than my bed has become top priority. I will be getting the previously mentioned co-sleeper this weekend.

Until then... I will be growing many more grey hairs, I'm sure.

*grumble grumble*

This "single mother" stuff is for the birds. I don't know how mommies survive without another parent involved. I totally worship the ground you walk on, single moms.

Quinlon is teething/cluster feeding and driving me batty. Not to mention that he is getting better at creeping/crawling everyday which has made naptime interesting.

Good news? I found an Arm's Reach Cosleeper for $60. She is going to hold it for me until this weekend when I have to go to DFW anyway. Hooray for no more falling off the bed. This also means Donnie and I get to sleep in the same bed for the first time in WEEKS. OMG. That is exciting stuff, ladies and gentleman.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Holy Flashback!

It is weird as hell to talk to Donnie on Yahoo Messenger. With a few exception for business trips and such, Donnie has always been a room away (or at least within shouting distance) since we met and rode off into the sunset together.

His flight was good and our 5 hour round trip drive to and from the airport, uneventful. Quinlon is constantly surprising me with how well he handles situations that I assumed would be a struggle. Just another sign he is growing up. Le sigh.

We did bananas the other day. Quinlon had a blast. Here's the video, but it's something like 8 minutes long, so I don't blame you if you skip it. Although, there are some golden snippets in there like "Put it on the table... no, not him, the bananas." LOL

And don't mind the shirtless Donnie. The running joke is that he doesn't own any shirts since more often than not, he is shirtless in all pics/video.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Donnie leaves for New York in the AM. We've got to get up bright and early at 4AM and drive to Dallas.

Donnie is competing in an invitation only kung fu master's tournament on Friday and Saturday. He has more than a good chance of winning. I am so proud of how hard he has been training and am praying so hard he does well.

First prize is a sword worth $10,000 and $5,000 cash. If he wins we are going to fly up to meet him so Quinlon can meet his Grandpa and his godmother. If you think about it, please pray for him to do what he was born to do and be the best.

Le sigh. I hate when my other half is away.

Well, I'll be damned.

Quinlon is growing up.

Who knew so much happened at 6 months? I sure didn't.

Thanks, Steph for the links to baby led weaning. I am not sure why I hadn't heard of it and now that I spent several hours poring over all the info out there, I am in love with this method of solid feeding.

Matter of fact, we are going to let him try some avocados tonight and see what he does since he has been so interested in what we are eating.

Then I realized that this means I need to get him sippies. He spent 20 minutes earlier drinking from my glass and actually swallowing half of it while the other half he dumped down his shirt.

Where has time gone????

So. Now I need BPA free sippy cup recommendations. A few people have said the straw style ones are easier at first. Any opinions?


I got tons of input via email and a message board I am on and fortunately, Nuby sippies are all BPA free and dirt cheap! YAY! We have 2 on the way here now.

Monday, September 22, 2008

If there is one thing motherhood has taught me...

It's that every time you think you have things figured out, your child will throw you a nasty curve.

We had a rough night. It's bound to happen from time to time, but it doesn't make me any less groggy and half frazzled. I'm not even sure why he woke up screaming, but he managed to throw his paci in the gap at the head of the bed and I had to crawl around on the floor half naked trying to squeeze myself under there to retrieve it.

Sorta funny in retrospect.

It's really a good thing he is cute, because otherwise, he might be fending for himself. (I kid, I kid, but I am now fully aware of the meaning of "no days off").

I gotta get back to struggling to eat my toast while Quinlon tries to climb up my arm and steal my food.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Men are assholes.

Let me preface this by acknowledging that I realize I can be a pain in the ass and I have my moments of bullheaded obnoxiousness.

But what is it about men that makes them think it is ok to be a total dick and justify it by explaining that it is "the way I am"?

And of course, because I love him... I yell and fume and then let it go and love him still.

Le sigh.


Donnie leaves for a King Fu tournament in NY on Wednesday so we are taking the weekend to have family time.

Donnie let me sleep in this morning and then Quinlon came to bed for his first nap and we slept together so I didn't get up until 11AM this morning. Sooooo wonderful.

I took tons of stash pictures of my yarn for my ravelry. It's looking a bit sad with so few yarns in my stash. I took Quinlon outside with me and sat him on a blanket and brought out his favorite toy and he had a blast. I took 49 pictures. He was being such a good subject, i couldn't resist.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A lot on my mind...

I sat here and stared at the flashing cursor for at least 5 minutes. Geeze. I feel like there's an angry ant hill in my head and someone just poked a stick in it.

So instead of rambling, here are some recent pictures from our life.

Quinlon likes to take sips of water or white tea from our cups. He will spill it trying to snatch the cup from you.

My boys

Here's a video of him sitting up on his own!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sleep training 101.

It's ridiculous that this information is not available to new moms. Sure. You can go buy a book, but why the hell are we paying for information that experienced mothers should be passing down?

I'm fortunate. My good friend, Jessica, has 4 girls so she has been around the block so to speak. I went to her in tears after a night where Quinlon refused to go to bed until 2 AM and then woke up hourly. Before we started the training, it was normal for Q to nurse to sleep for hours before he would let me put him down around midnight. The hours were killing me and I finally couldn't take it anymore.

The method we used was a version of the "Happiest Baby on the Block" but minus the crying it out. I refuse to let my child scream alone in the dark. It just seems so cruel especially since this is the age where many babies develop separation anxiety. Quinlon is very very attached to me and it breaks my heart to even think of not comforting him when he is upset. With his temperment, CIOing is just not a good option because he has such a short temper that even brief crying without response turns into all out SCREAMING.

But, I digress.

The important points were this:

-Establish a bedtime routine that will signal to him that it is bedtime and give him some winding down time.

-Break the association of eating with sleeping. He was so used to nursing when he was sleepy, he had associated sleeping and eating as one feeling.

-Watch carefully for baby's sleepy signs and start naptime/bedtime routine at the early signs. Waiting to long will just make them harder to put down to sleep.

-Be consistent.

The first 2 days, Donnie was in charge of naptime and bedtime because as a breastfed baby, I smell like food to him.

Our routine was lay him down, give him the paci and his blankie and then pat until he settled dozed off. For the first day or two, naps were tough right along with bedtime.

After day 2, naps got much easier, but were only 45 minutes long because that is how long a sleep cycle is and Quinlon had not yet learned how to soothe himself back to sleep.

Bedtime was still harder, but the prep for it was much more intense. To get him "tanked up" so he would sleep, we would cluster feed from about 2 hours before bedtime until just before we started our routine for bed. So every 30-45 minutes I offered the breast and even if he just nursed for a minute or two, let him nurse as he wanted.

Then, 15 minutes before the time we wanted him in bed, we start our routine of singing to him as we change him into his night diaper and pajamas, then we read a book, then he gets hugs and kisses from Ba-ba(Donnie) and hugs and kisses from Ma-ma. Then lay him down, give the paci and blankie and pat until he falls asleep.

At first, he would wake up so many times. We never picked him up unless he was really upset. If just fussing, we patted until he settled back down and then left the room. The first week, it was soooo hard. He woke up constantly and he would cry because he wanted to nurse himself to sleep.

Now, he still wakes up sometimes, but it's usually because he lost the paci and will go right back to sleep with minimal patting, and naptimes now usually last at least 90 minutes, but as long as 3 hours because he can soothe himself back to sleep in between sleep cycles and are fairly fight free.

It turns out that nursing to sleep is a bad idea because milk in the tummy at bedtime can cause gas and increased spitting up. Sure enough, he is so much less gassy and spits up almost never now.

Because we co-sleep, Quinlon still nurses 3x a night (he sleeps nearly 12 hours, though). Since we have a routine, when I do decide to cut out a feeding, the transition will be smooth.

I think that is everything... LOL

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I never get things like this.


I guess that is just a sign I need to be more active in the blogiverse.

I have been awarded the SMILE award, created by Laura, and generously bestowed upon me by my sister from another mister, Nicole

Characteristics for the Smile Award:
1. Must display a cheerful attitude.
2. Must love one another.
3. Must make mistakes.
4. Must learn from others.
5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world.
6. Must love life.
7. Must love kids.

These are the rules for The Smile Award.
1. The recipient must link back the the award’s creator
2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.
3. You must chose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself.
4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award, as posted by Mere.
5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.
6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.

So hard to choose, but I must persevere! LMAO

Shayna My BFF and the most generous loyal lady I know. She has struggled with infertility for over 3 years but managed to stay by my side after I got pregnant and gave birth to our son despite the personal pain it must cause her. She is a trooper and the best godmother a little boy could ask for and one day, she will be a wonderful mother herself.

Stephanie - This mama is not only an awesome mom, talented photographer, and great friend, she has weathered quite the storm in the last year. Losing her father, her house, her dog, but never her faith or her smile. She has been there for me in moments of panic without hesitation despite her own heavy load.

Lilah - She's following me!! Ok, not really, but we both just experience pregnancy and motherhood, she just a month behind me... She is also a wonderful mommy and always on some adventure. She always seems to have positive things to say, even when "Chicken" is refusing to sleep or has shit out his diaper and up his back.

Aimee (and Brian, the dark horse knitter) - Fellow hippies with one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. I love the kindredness we have over so many lifestyle choices, plus who doesn't love looking at pictures of Delilah and "aww"ing.

Joellen - A recent reading find that makes me happy!! It's always a joy reading her posts and I love peeking into her life as a fellow "hippy" She is a mommy-extraordinaire and balances a work life (soon) as well.

Phew, that was hard. Happy reading everyone!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

On a positive note...

Quinlon is feeling much better. Still congested, but it's no longer interfering with nursing and sleeping. And even at his sickest, he still slept at night with his usual routine. I am so glad we did the sleep training before he got sick otherwise, it would have been a trainwreck.

Now, if we can just cut that tooth that has been giving us fits for the last month and a half.

At the request of a few people, I am going to provide some links about vaccination. This is such a sticky topic and rarely do I even bother to discuss it because of reactions much like Anonymous. It's hard to see that just because a doctor has an MD after their name does not mean that they are not being given the same propaganda as you are. Of course they push vaxes since they are TAUGHT to push them.

Anyway, enough of my soapbox for now. I would rather educate than preach. - This page also has about 5 links to other information pages at the bottom.

And the ingredients...

Monday, September 15, 2008

My my, aren't we an idiot?

In fact, so much stupidity abounds in this comment, I felt the need to address it and clarify some points that seem to be muddy for anyone assuming that my beliefs mean anything other than what I have clearly stated.

"Anonymous said...

You are right...vaccines DONT work. Thats why there are SOOO many people in the US dying of whooping cough, measels, mumps and polio. And thats why those diseases are not around anymore. Because of all the vaccines that are out there. But you probably know more than all the millions of Drs out there. And as far as hating here.....I dont think you will find another country in this world that will tolerate your mouth the way the people in the US will. Have you thought that maybe all of your country bashing may offend the people that fought for your right to run your ignorant mouth to begin with. Grow up!"

"You are right..."
- Glad you finally see that. :-D

"vaccines DONT work. Thats why there are SOOO many people in the US dying of whooping cough, measels, mumps and polio. And thats why those diseases are not around anymore. Because of all the vaccines that are out there. But you probably know more than all the millions of Drs out there."

- Please, do some research. These diseases do exist. They have not been eradicated as you seem to think. It's not vaccines that have reduced them to such a low occurrence level, it's better sanitation and diet allowing our immune systems to do what they do best.

"Thats why there are SOOO many people in the US dying of whooping cough, measels, mumps and polio. And thats why those diseases are not around anymore."

- Make up your mind. Are "SOOO many people dying" or are these diseases "not around anymore"? ::insert eyeroll::

"And as far as hating here..."

- There you go putting words in my mouth. I don't hate here. I hate the way things are going and the way the leaders are running the country into the ground. It isn't hard to google "bilderberg conference" or "eugenics" and see what I mean.

"...I dont think you will find another country in this world that will tolerate your mouth the way the people in the US will."

- Oh yes, because world opinion of the USA is sooo stellar right now. You're funny, are you a comedian?

"Have you thought that maybe all of your country bashing may offend the people that fought for your right to run your ignorant mouth to begin with."

- Have I once bashed what the principles this country was founded on? Have even whispered a word of disdain for our brave armed forces? I disagree with CURRENT policies and leaders decisions. That has NOTHING to do with the personal sacrifices that the military personnel have given over the years. My dad is a veteran. He has many of the same views I do. It makes him just as sad to see things going downhill the way they are.

You might want to watch who you call ignorant. I have done my research. Hours and hours of it and come to my PERSONAL conclusions. I am not pushing them on anyone. I am not forcing anyone to even read them. You read all this by choice and now have the moronic gall to tell me I have no right to my own feelings? Isn't that what those soldiers are fighting for? The right to free speech and believing as you please? Yeah. Pretty sure that is one of those nice little ideals they risk their lives to preserve.

I won't be publishing anymore of your comments, matter of fact, I won't even read them. They have been such an epic waste of my time. You have done nothing but prove what an ignorant, blind, uneducated, Wisconsin housewife you are. And, while I have enjoyed watching you make a fool of yourself, this is MY blog and I am tired of bothering with you.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Sick baby = teh suck

Quinlon's picked up a cold from my little brother. Thanks, Chance! :|

Nothing too terrible, just congestion. But it's hard to nurse when you can't breathe through your nose. Not that I know from personal experience, but it's funny in a sad sort of way to watch him suck frantically then pull away and pant to catch his breath.

Lately, Quinlon has taken a liking to my sister's dog, a Jack Russell, named Taz. She's a sweet dog, if a bit neurotic and is obsessed with licking his face. He likes to grab her ears and hold her paws. It's rather cute to watch.

Alls quiet on our side of the mississippi but Ike will be hitting way south of us soon. We'll probably just get heavy rain and some wind. So nothing to be too concerned about really, but I'll keep everyone updated.

Realizations are funny.

In trying to keep my blog neutral, it seems I've painted myself into a corner and have issues finding anything to blog about since I tend to want to edit out my more controversial beliefs.

Then I thought about it. It's my blog, who the fuck am I trying to keep happy? It hasn't been me. So, from now on, my blog will be about our life, of course, but also about all the issues the grind my gears and give me passion to speak out.

Phew. Glad all that bullshit is out of the way.

Now, the good stuff. Intrigued yet?

The real me hates "modern" medicine and hasn't seen a "real" doctor in years.

The real me doesn't take medicine unless there is NO other option.

The real me doesn't touch high fructose corn syrup, sodium stearyl lactylate, hydrogenated (partially or not) oils, aspartame, sucralose, or any other artificial sweetener.

The real me does not eat dairy. At first, because of Quinlon's reflux issues and now because I refuse to put hormones meant to grow a calf into a 600 lb cow into my body. No wonder I couldn't lose weight for so long.

The real me is anti government. They do NOT have our best interests at heart. They do NOT care about our financial welfare. They do NOT care about us AT ALL. We are slaves to then. Cheap labor and hosts for them to drain resources from.

The real me is a huge breastfeeding advocate.

The real me refuses to let a disposable diaper touch her children and is sad that those chemical filled pieces of shit are even an option.

The real me is a professional knitter.

The real me prefers to buy handmade despite the price difference than cheap mass produced crap.

The real me wishes we had the money to buy ONLY handmade and weren't forced to buy mass produced crap sometimes.

The real me will never vaccinate her children. The truth is out there and I refuse to put poisons in my children.

The real me is sad for all the people who believe what they are told.

The real me is glad to be leaving this country because the shit is about to hit the fan.

The real me knows September 11th was orchestrated by the U.S. Government.

The real me is not popular nor do I fit in.

I am ok with it.

From today on, I will use my blog to share the things that are important to me and the things that make the real me, the real me.

The real me is a bitch with lots of unpopular convictions.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sleep training complete...

And we are 4 days shy of 5 months. Boy, time has flown.

Here is my little dragon... Yes, he is sitting up on his own. He is also so close to cutting his first tooth. I can actually see it, there is just a bit more skin over it. Makes me sorta sad that our gummy toothless grin days are almost over!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Happy Birthday to me!


Nothing different except I am a mom. Being woken up by the little dragon headbutting my back trying to get my attention makes this the best birthday ever.

We are in the middle of sleep training... no, not crying it out. Personally, I find it a bit cruel and since Quinlon is a very attached baby, I know how badly this would upset him. Either way, it's hard on us and he hates it.

Oh crap, gotta run. The little dragon has scooted himself backwards off the play mat and is mad he can't reach his toys.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

We're here.

Sorry to keep any one waiting.

The trip went as well as could be expected.

Quinlon is teething and it's awful. Where did my little smooshie newborn go? :sob:

I'll update when it's not midnight and I am less exhausted

Friday, July 18, 2008


Leaving Tallahassee tomorrow. Car's packed and we're just relaxing for the night. Tomorrow will be hectic and stressful, what else would traveling with a 13 year old and 3 1/2 month old be?

I've got so much on my mind. The impending move in with the parents, the soon to be work a holic lifestyle to engulf our existence, the fucking stress of the bills that are PILING up.

Today is Donnie's 30th birthday. For some reason, I am so proud of him. I've watched him grow up so much in the past 2 1/2 years together and become this steady, reliable, devoted husband and father. He's really coming into his prime, I can just tell. My two boys are my world and I wake up next to both of them everyday and thank the universe for blessing me with such a beautiful family.

Texas... such a bittersweet homecoming for me. Too much to get into really, but it is time I laid a LOT of ghosts to rest.

This may sound vain... so if this bothers you in the slightest, stop reading here....

But we cannot go anywhere in public with Quinlon without being nearly mobbed. People stop us in stores to comment on how "pretty" Quin is. Not just one or two people, I am talking 5 or 6 each outing. A friend suggested getting some headshots done and sending them to a few agencies. Umm, ok, totally bitching idea. What could be more flattering to a proud new mama than having her son be a baby model??

Anyway, it's almost 1 AM and I've got more beer to drink before sleepy time.

Good night and good bye Florida... hello, my future.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

My head is so full...

But I can't seem to put into words what it is filling it up.

Packing stinks. But at least we are moving forward with things and it will be nice to stay with my parents for a while.

I'll be in Tally this week. Steph, that means you!!! I want some hang out time.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The secret dark side of motherhood.

Don't get me wrong... really, this isn't a bitchfest about having a child. He is my world, my heart, my soul and every day I wake up to his laughter and I fall in love more than the day before.


Yes, there is a but.

No one tells you about the terror. I don't mean being scared you aren't going to be a good mother or that you will do something wrong and screw the kid up. I actually am quite confident in my abilities as a mother. The fear I have is of everything else in the world. Every news story I read about a baby dying or chain email I receive about so and so with terminal childhood leukemia send me into such a panic that I can't breath and I feel I will vomit or pass out or maybe both. The very thought of these horrible things happening to my little boy terrify me to the point of physical illness and frequent nightmares.

I feel so helpless. I want to lock him away and never let him out into the treacherous world.

My brain knows that isn't an option, but my heart screams to do it anyway.

This internal conflict is exacerbated by the clash with my Taoist beliefs that the universe will do with our lives as is natural and death is not to be feared. I don't fear death for myself, and a battled this conflict in relation to losing Donnie a long time ago and don't fear losing him... but Quinlon, my sweet, innocent, perfect child. The knot in my throat just tightens even typing the words out.

This has to get easier, right? I am so overtaxed emotionally with the panic attacks and the nightmares at just the suggestion of harm befalling my child.

I had no idea about this aspect of having a child. No one really warns you. Logically, you know you will be protective of them, but the extent of terror that I feel is nothing like what you expect. It hit me like a speeding train and I can't seem to recover.

So now I am struggling with a balance between being a protective wise mother and a paranoid, overbearing tyrant. My heart wants to be the tyrant until he is 30, but I know that would probably be messy.

I hate this vulnerability. I assume it gets a little easier to deal with in time... I mean, it has to or every mother would be a blubbering headcase crying at the drop of a hat even in public like me. Or does it just get easier to hide the anxiety?

I dunno, but I am going to go watch him sleep some more.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

It's been brough to my attention

that I do not blog enough.

I'll admit, I am a bit of a slacker. But, in my defense, Quinlon has just recently gotten to an age where I have a moment to myself anymore.

He is so big now. 26 inches and 15 lb 4 oz. He's not chunky either, just solid. Now that we've made it past our breast feeding issues, things are better and he is growing like a weed.

He's recently discovered he can yell and has amassed a vocabulary of 2 words, "ooooh" and "aaaah". If you want to count the occasional "gaaaaaaaah" then, 3 words. He's rolling over, trying to sit, reaching and grasping and just all around being cute. He is starting to resemble me more than Donnie, strangely enough.

In family news, we are moving to Texas for a while to stay with my parents so they can have Quinlon time. We are still moving to China, but some financial speed bumps have slowed our timeline down quite a bit.

Otherwise, our lives are boring. Nothing more exciting than poopy diapers and pacifiers.