i've been defeated...

Firewall issues have initiated a long considered change of venue.

http://criminallyeloquent.wordpress.com/ 

Hope to see you there!

My lazy ass finished a project...

Apparently, one of my biggest symptoms this pregnancy is complete lack of knitting motivation...

But since it is tradition for Quinlon to get a pair of knitted longies for Christmas, I had no choice but to kick my ass in gear.  Last year was soooo much easier with only an 8 inch inseam and smaller hips.  This year, his inseam is 11 inches! 

*sigh* my baby is so grown up!

WIPs (Works in Progress) include a pair of socks for a friend and a blanket that is 2/3 done that was SUPPOSED to be a wedding gift back in June.  DOH!

And because I refuse

to let the drama llama eat my day, back to our regularly scheduled program of blogging.

Christmas plans.

Surprisingly, I CAN buy decorations at various stores.  Even more surprising, a freaking 10 inch wide crappy plastic wreath is 50 yuan.  I would pay no  more than $2 at the flea market for this thing.  Out of control.

We're planning dinner.  It's either going to be yumminess at home with our soon to arrive houseguests (they get here the 22nd) or we'll be going out with our American friends for a lamb dinner with all the fixings.

Quinlon has a ton of presents waiting for him to open and then I think we will go have breakfast at the donut place.

I'm excited.  It's going to be an awesome Christmas despite being so far from our families.  I freaking love Christmas at Granny's house... the food, the laughter, the awesome moments with family.  I wish we had been able to come back this year.  HOPEFULLY next year we can... with an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old Panda (OMG).

I haz a sad...

Turns out I was wrong about a certain member of my family.  Thought she was cool, and such... but apparently she is the least tolerant of all my family.

Nice to know.

Please, if anyone else feels I have insulted or "screwed" them over tell me now.  I've never set out to make my blog offensive or closed-minded, anything but, actually.  I have followers/commenters from so many walks of life and always prided myself on the fact that I was loved and respected by such a variety of people.  In turn, I love and respect those people for accepting me as I am with respect and understanding.

I guess it hurts least when you are "disowned" by the notoriously most hot-blooded, unreasonable person in your family.  Yes, I remember the stupid dramatic fights of holidays past...  Funny how the majority of them involved this one person.  I guess this year is no different, but I am the target because it's easy to be mean to someone online when you can rally the troops in my absence.

Correct me if I am wrong, but that behavior seems FAR from what you are waving in my face as "the truth". I'm not ignorant.  I know your "truths" so don't try to use it as a weapon because you are angry.  If you want drama, seek it elsewhere.  I like the peace I have in my life and will gladly write you out of it as you requested because your behavior is far from what I love and adore about MANY Christians who are integral parts of my life.

Merry Christmas to you too.

Happy 2nd trimester to, meeeeeeeee!

Quite a nice milestone in my, oh, so humble opinion.  Sadly, there was no celebration today as I feel sort of off.

Like I've been chasing a toddler and picking shit up all day and my uterus/tummy area is sorta pissed off.  Sore... Not really crampy, just heavy and sore.  Most likely it's the stretching stuff because there are no other signs that it is something bad (no bleeding, cramping, hoo-ha pressure, etc).  So, I've been trying (bahaha, we know how that usually turns out, now don't we?) to stay off my feet. 

Of course, Quinlon decides to be a little needy punk today.  Mostly it's been directed toward Donnie, which, while I find it highly amusing, still makes it stressful for me because he SUCKS at multitasking (yes, even things as simple as holding a child and surfing the internet) and has been desperately trying to study for his upcoming exams.  So I hear little person whine followed often and quickly by the big person's whine or voice of some significant frustration and then mommy-radar starts blaring and I have to go try and peel little person off big person and explain to big person that he really needs to be more patient with the little person who is clingy to him because he missed him so desperately while he was gone for a week.

Good times.

Oh, did I mention my refrigerator is an angry elf?  Yeah... stopped working completely the other night.  Woke up yesterday morning to stench.  It might be fixed now, but we're still trying to figure out if the lingering odd smell is from the moldy noodles that were hidden in the back or if it is a coolant leak.  I just paid 442 yuan for that coolant so it damn well better stay the fuck where it belongs.

In productivity news, I wrote almost 400 words for the book AND swept two rooms AND picked up toys... thrice!  No wonder my stomach/uterus is pissed off.

Life is so strange...

I watch beautiful amazing people take a beating, but blink and other beautiful amazing people are being lifted up.  I know it's all cyclical, it's just so odd to watch the juxtaposition of different cycles at different places in time happening around me.

I don't want those super awesome people to hurt.  I know they don't really want it either, but I DO know, watching from the other side of some of their struggles, that they will perservere and become even more awesome.  Watching that progression of personal growth when someone gets knocked on their ass but gets up, dusts themselves off and start the climb again is inspiring and humbling in that it very vividly recalls the times when I was sitting on my ass in the dirt, blinking and trying to figure out how the fuck I got there. 

And most importantly, it makes me grateful beyond words for the wonderful things I DO have (like a toddler who keeps trying to shove books into my hands while I am typing because he wants me to hold the book while he reads to me).

For those of you waiting for the dust to clear, to get your bearings and find the strength to start again:  You can do it.  You feel hopeless, and beaten, defeated and forgotten, but you are NOT.  You are human and you are beautiful and precious and things can only get better each time you start the climb again.  I believe in you.

And for those of us currently climbing and enjoying the break from the hard knocks, love it, appreciate it, NEVER take it for granted.  It's temporary.  The only things in life that count are what you decide to do with the shit you are handed when you're flat on rock bottom with the breath knocked out of you.  Keep climbing and reach down and lend a hand to someone who needs a little boost.

I love you.  All of you.  And if you need a hand... take mine.

le sigh...

I  miss my husband.  His return has been delayed and he has to stay overnight in Beijing.  :(

I'm totally pouting at the universe right now.



Today was rough and not in the toddler won't calm the fuck down sort of way.  I wasn't even home with him for a good portion of the day because I had classes to teach today.

But I'm drained.  Quinlon had a rough night for some reason.  I got headbutted in the mouth and nose separately during the night by the tossing and turning little hellion.  And when he was being restless, it seemed I was up peeing.

And it's COLD.  Walking/waiting for the bus/taxi in this weather wears me out.  I don't know why.

T-minus 40 minutes until bedtime starts.  WOOT!

For what it's worth

I still haven't managed to sit down and write (we had two days in a row of shitty napping and all out toddler mayhem) but I did manage to sweep and mop the disgusting dining room and hall floor AND my giant mountain of laundry is down to 1 more load.. maybe a touch more.

Hell yeah!

Also, made a concentrated effort at resuming daily play/learn time with Q.  So far, he's loving it, and I'm glad to be plugged into the idiot box so much and back into MY life. 

My knitting that suffered is now getting resumed, woo!  Hell, I'll even have Q's Christmas pants done in time for Christmas morning.

Donnie comes home tomorrow night (YAY!) and I am so happy.  I miss him so much.  We've really hit our stride lately, marriage wise, and it feels FUCKING good after all the struggle we went through to get here.  Marriage is hard.  But so worth it.

Only 9 more days until our house guests/temporary roommates arrive and thankfully my list of "OMG get the house presentable" things is about half done.  The living room is still haphazard, but a lot of that is due to limited storage space.  I coat rack and some shelves will solve that nicely, I am just waiting for Donnie to return so I can get him to help.

Annnnd I just caught Quinlon climbing on the chair that is LAID DOWN (because he was using it to climb on the table when it was standing up) to, you guessed it, climb on the table and take candy out of my purse.  Oy.

I need to write more.

The book.  It's... there.  The ideas, their swirling about and some of them are exquisitely good.  Lately, the problem hasn't been material, but sheer lack of motivation.

I'm lazy.  And a major drawback to my ADHD issues is that when lists get too long, I get overwhelmed and shut down.

My list won't stop growing:
Clean house - gotta catch back up first of all from being so uselessly sick, THEN have to go above and beyond because we have people coming to stay with us for a week or so in only 2 weeks.
Learn Chinese - I'm terrible at this one.  Studying has never been a strong suit and if I actually have a classroom setting, I've never needed to study because I am such a quick learner that usually the lesson itself is sufficient for me to learn the material.
Write amazing novel good enough to get me published and start a career -  Yeah, no pressure.  I've realized that I need to get a notebook and start handwriting my thoughts because often, I have the most productive brainstorms when not near my computer.  But I've never written a book, the idea alone is daunting.  I can write a damn good essay, but the concept of actually making something as long as a book cohesive and intelligible has always given me a lump of anxiety.  And then actually finding the quiet time for both writing AND the previous item (studying) that is not punctuated by a toddler yelling that he peed in my shoe or falling off the back of the couch or stealing the honey and pouring it in his diaper... *sigh*  Not an ideal working environment for anyone, let alone someone who has attention/focus issues as prominent as mine.
Deal constructively and positively with the terrible twos - Congrats to us, we've officially hit the 'no' shouting, toy throwing, food spitting, hitting, tantruming terrible twos.  Fun.  No.  Really.

All this while maintaining the normal everyday tasks like cooking and playing/teaching Q and oh, yeah... growing a baby.  Also, have I mentioned I am still sleeping like utter shit?  Yeah, apparently this pregnancy is going to be one where sleep and I are not terribly friendly with each other.

So I shut down and fight the urge to mindlessly watch TV or surf the internet all day.  I've been slowing getting better, but it's hard.  So hard.  And Donnie is out of town on an impromptu trip to help a friend for a week and now I'm handling this whole list without the little help Donnie can provide in the midst of his to-do list overload with school.

There, I've admitted what a sorry useless loser I've been lately and I feel better.  Making it public gives me more accountability in making the steps to improve this rut I've found myself in.

First things first.... I forgot to brush my teeth and now it's 1:30 PM.  Oy.  It's a start at least.  Then I'll finish my gigantic cup of Italian roast coffee, eat lunch with the Q-monster, put him down for a nap and try to make a dent somewhere in my list.

Yes, it's a start.

No words...

I'm hurting for the loss of someone special.  There are no words I can say to make her hurt better or change a bad result.


So I pray.

Go over to my soul mate Summer's blog and post something to brighten her so very cloudy day.  She just received news that her 3rd IVF attempt wasn't successful and is mourning her three little birdies.

Belly pictures as promised!

I think I look a wee bit pregnant now.

Also notice the SMALLER boobs.  I'm blaming the weight loss from early weeks and the fact that Q only nurses 4x in a 24 hour period so my milk supply is minimal.

Happy 12 weeks...

I forget the exact #s but all the statistics laud 12 weeks as a happy time when the chance of miscarriage drops considerably... is it 5ish%?  Hell, it's obvious this is #2 because I know I was armed to the teeth with this info when I was pregnant with Quinlon. 

*smirk*

I'll be taking a belly picture today SOMETIME to get back on even weeks so I can compare them more accurately to last time's pictures.



Please pray for Summer and her 3 birdies tonight.  After a early BFN on HPTs she has her beta tomorrow morning (USA time, not mine obviously).  Please, goddess, she deserves joy not more heartache.

Holiday randomness...

::Due to some immature family drama... Here is a nice little disclaimer: I don't think the current Christmas is evil or "DARK". I don't think people who are religious are wrong and shouldn't celebrate Jesus. I DO think if this offended you, you do not know me at all because, if nothing else, I strive to respect all people's beliefs. So, put your big girl panties on LYNDA and face that fact that this was NOT about you, but about someone in my life who has insulted me repeatedly regarding Christmas. ::

I don't really consider myself huge on Christmas.  Not Christian, so that whole aspect is moot and while I have always LOVED the food and family time, the actual goings on leading up to the day annoy me for the most part.  Of course, there are exceptions, I love parties and gift exchanges and cookies and decorating, but the Christmas songs constantly being shoved down my throat everywhere I go and the people that just... overdo it.  *sigh*  You know the ones I am talking about.  And, call me a grinch, but I don't love 90% of Christmas movies.  I like the Grinch, Elf and the old claymation ones, especially Rudolph, but the rest make me grit my teeth and contemplate knitting needles in the eyes.

And on a tangent, I totally get annoyed with the in-your-face-uber-Christians who think they invented this damn holiday... uh NO!  The Catholic Church ganked the celebration from the pagans thinking that if they just merged the holidays it would ease the heathen's transition into their dogma. 

Originally, the Romans had a fun little festival they celebrated the week of Dec 17-25 that ended in the slaughter of an innocent person.  Quaint.  Christmas actually has quite the dark past...  Read all about it here.

So, lack of PCness aside, I do love the holiday because I love giving gifts.  Sometimes I struggle with WHAT to give, but I have always been quite fond of making others happy with thoughtful gifts. 

So, what's on my Christmas wish list, you might wonder?
Nikon D3000 (this is a definite this year since it coincides with me writing a non fiction book about China that needs photographs)

Some yummy boots like these

YARN!  Mama needs to knit socks and happy things for Panda and Q!
And some yoga style sweatpants and extra long tanks and tees from American Apparel because maternity clothes in China are the leftover 1980s rejects from the US but WORSE.

So, what is on your wishlist?

A further note on "A change of plans" post...

We decided to be safe and choose a boys name in case Panda has a penis or Panda turns out to be fraternal boy/girl twins that DO run in our family.

So the names we like for a boy are also very Gaelic.  No middle name picked as of yet, either.  We haven't found the right fit yet.

Aodh  (pronounced Eee)
Bligh (pronounced Bly)

Funny that both are monosyllabic when I am pretty big on 2 syllable names, but they sound so pretty spoken and if it is twins, sound fabulous with Beibhinn.

Passing on a fan-freaking-tastic deal!

http://photoworks.com is running a few specials!

* Free Photo Clutch Book - use code C3733859796 (it is the patterned clutch)
* Free Pack of 25 Photo Paper Holiday Cards - use code C3733852365 (MUST be "photo paper" style cards)
* Free 11" x 8" Photo Calendar - use code C3733858476
* $25 coupon towards any other photo creation - use code C3733847579


You can only use one code per account and transaction.  So if you want to use all 4, you would have to have 4 separate accounts with 4 different emails.


If you use any of the first 3 codes, it is completely free, even standard shipping!  The 4th code you will have to pay shipping on your order even if the item is less than $25.  Either way, still a SWEET deal and just in time for the holidays!

I almost forgot!

I know I mentioned it...

a week or so ago in passing in a post about possibly feeling the baby.  Like super early, 9.5ish weeks.  I'm still not sure if it was Panda or gas, but about a week later it became QUITE clear it was not gas.


Those flutters make my heart melt and when I exclaim, "Panda's kicking me!" Donnie runs over and puts his face to my belly desperately trying to join in the moment.  Despite me constantly reminding him it's still quite a while before she will kick hard enough for him to feel on the outside, he keeps trying.


And on another but related note, please send all sticky/positive/pregnant vibes you have to my new BFF, Summer over at her corner of blogland.  She's fought long and hard for this chance at mommyhood and is currently keeping her feet up while three perfect little embryos dig in and get comfy for the next 9 months.  I want it to work for her so badly that I dream about it at night.  <3

11 week belly...

And this was sucking in.  After I eat and relax it looks soooo huge

Hmm, change of plans...

Remember the name post...?  Here it is, if you don't.

Well, Donnie has been calling Panda Taili late and despite initially liking the name for this baby, as time wore on it just didn't fit.

I'm not even sure that will make sense, but it seemed to cute-sy frilly for the vibe I am getting from Panda.


Sooo, I said as much to Donnie and we went back to the drawing board.

And we found, THE name.  When I said it out loud, it just sounded so right.  Same middle name, because that has always been set in stone for the next kiddo.

So the new and improved (in my opinion) perfect name is:

Beibhinn (pronounced BAY-vin) Page

We decided to go with the traditional Gaelic spelling because it looks prettier than Bayvinn to us.  It means "white" or "fair lady".

So there you have it. 

I love hyenacart.com

Not only is it a huge collection of work at home mom (WAHM) artisans who emphasize natural living/parenting and recycling, but it is my favorite place to buy hand dyed yarn (you know me, the yarn whore) and there are always free for shipping (FFS) drawings.

I won two free t-shirts for Q and a free gorgeous sock knitting pattern!

Shirts!
http://hyenacart.com/nuffsaid/index.php?p=57316

Socks!
http://hyenacart.com/prod_details.php?id=34995&vid=1253

Definitely check out the site.  There is something for everyone, even if you don't cloth diaper or knit.  Just be aware you will probably lose a few hours out of your day browsing! 

Reason # 405 why I am a cool mom.

I let Quinlon draw all over the walls.


Why are you a cool mom/wife/lady?

Phew...

It feels nice to stop puking.  Thank goddess it was only a 24 hour bug.

AND

for the first time in WEEKS, I actually got a good nights sleep.  No tossing and turning and only got up to pee once!  *happy dance*

Q is napping and I am screwing around on facebook since I feel like a million bucks with a full night's sleep under the belt and will probably start on the second leg of Q's X-mas longies.  It's mandarin orange season (I know, I'd be jealous too) and Q ate 3 since we got home and fell asleep with half of the 4th still in his mouth.  ::giggle::

Thanksgiving dinner tonight at a nice restaurant with all our foreigner friends.  Should be LOTS of fun and better yet lots of good AMERICAN food. *happy dance #2*  Now too bad I can't have a nice glass of wine with my meal...  While I do indulge a little bit during pregnancy, I reserve it for 2nd and 3rd trimester.  Only juice for me please!

I can't believe this is Quinlon's SECOND Thanksgiving.  Wow.  Time flies so fast and even being aware of that fact still doesn't ease the shock of realizations like that one.


I'll skip the yearly rant about Native American slaughter and all that jazz because, while I still find it very important, I've chosen to view this year as a day to just contemplate all the things I have and the sacrifices of others that helped me get here.

And of course, the obligatory thankful list:
-my health
-my family
-my amazing, wonderful, adoring, handsome husband whom gives me the world time and time again.
-my beautiful, awe-inspiring son who makes me smile and reminds me constantly of how blessed I truly am.
-the tiny little kumquat in my tummy who I feel fluttering around from time to time.  Grow little panda!  We are so happy that we get to be your family.
-my friends, real life and online. Honestly, I make no differentiation in my mind.  You are ALL precious to me
-the special family in Houston, TX who gave when they didn't have to and opened their hearts and home to us in our time of need, thank you.  We love you all so much and everyday I pray your dreams come true and that your Lord blesses you beyond measure.  Thank you seems so shallow.


Happy Thanksgiving, friends. 

Now, if only the US would follow suit...

But they won't.

Breech vaginal birth is no more risky than regular head first presentation.

I knew this.  But then again I am quite the natural birth advocate and had an awesome veteran midwife who had seen and delivered EVERYTHING with a transfer rate of less than 1%.  There are some situations where breech can be more dangerous such as a short cord, but statistics are showing that the fearmongering OBs do to women over breech is unnecessary and more importantly INACCURATE. 

Way to go Canada!

And the hits just keep on coming...

Woke up at 4 AM puking.  Not morning sickness puking, but full on stomach virus puking until there is nothing but bile left.

Puked and had diarrhea all morning until about 11 when I managed to keep some 7Up down.  Since then I've eaten half a banana and some crackers and a popcicle with manageable results.

I feel like I got hit by a fucking truck.


I promise a post with more substance soon.  I'm just not up to much of anything other than vegging out in front of TV and sleeping.

Rough night, rough day

I slept... that is a lie.  I tried to sleep and failed miserably last night.  Tossed and turned and just couldn't shut off the brain.

Sucked.

So then today sucked.

I puked, I had a headache, I had no patience.

Glad it's over.

Manic Monday

Seriously.

Had to go get my pay which took over 2 hours because the fucking bus I needed to take was NOWHERE to be found.

The good part, was I did get a massage with friends.

Today

I witnessed a hat fashion show put on to blaring Backstreet Boys.



Good times, China, good times.

I missed teaching

I had no classes last weekend because of the surprise snowstorm. The 10 degree temps and 9 inches of snow and ice made people reluctant to get out unless absolutely necessary. I can't blame them, it's made me quite the hermit of late as well.

Today I had two classes and, man, I missed it. Now that I have regulars, I love the little jokes and quirks I have with each one. Teaching is really so much fun.


I also started an outline/brainstorm for the book. Once Donnie gets home (with donuts, I might add) we'll probably go to town with the ideas, although I have quite the list on my own brainpower which makes me proud considering half my brain is being eaten by the pandasite (BAHAHA, I crack myself up.

P.S.

Twilight can kiss my ass. What a load of b-rate horseshit!

Another fork...

I haven't posted about it because, well, I was having a hard time dealing with the reality of it, but I won't be able to attend TCM school.

Panda sorta threw a giant wrench into that idea.

With just Q, it would have been fairly simple. By next September he would be 2 1/2 which would make breastfeeding either a non issue, or well, still a non issue because at 2 1/2 he doesn't NEED it. So no stress for supply issues because it is far from his main source of sustenance at this point even and has been for MONTHS. Nanny for one child, not so expensive and I would worry so much less since that one child is old enough to communicate his needs.

Now, the reality is, I would be facing a grueling school work load with a not yet 3 month old who would be entirely dependent on my milk. Ok, well I can buy a pump, but trying to work in a pumping schedule with school and homework just sounds less than ideal. Plus, our style of parenting doesn't really make me being away most of the day almost everyday amenable. I know myself well and I know I would be miserable. I would have massive guilt for not being able to be a mother to my baby like I was with Q.

(Please note that I am not making any sort of judgment on women who do go back to work, this is just how I feel for MY family. Everyone does what they must to make things work.)

So... I started looking into other paths I could take. Lactation consultant is out because that still requires schooling that I don't have. Someday in the future I would love to put it back on the table, but it's not an option now. So, what about a doula...? It's still quite a possible option since there is not a requirement for college degree and I am sure I could hook up with some people here and get experience with births and birth coaching. There's tons of literature I that has been recommended me in the past when I expressed interest in this career path. It's also something that I think could work in harmony with Donnie's career of TCM doctor.

But then Donnie suggested I write.

I've talked about wanting to write a book or two but I never felt like I had the credibility, silly, I know. And the topics I am passionate about and could write about, I feel like I want to wait and experience more before I put my voice out there to be published.

But Donnie had a fantastic book idea that would go along with the photography plans I have since we are buying a DSLR. Obviously, I can't really share the details other than it involves an interesting look at the culture we are so lucky to be immersed in. It's scathing, witty, sarcastic and most of all would be totally eye-opening for people to get this sort of look at the bullshit we see and deal with everyday.

So, it looks like I am taking off down a fork that leads to authorship. Best parts are I get to put to use my writing skills, my intelligence AND I can still be a full time MOM.

Dare I even blog about it?

Seriously, I am scared to put it into words, lest I jinx it and bring the wrath of the universe down on my head for getting my hopes up.


I'll just whisper it then.





I haven't puked in 3 days and I actually feel slightly human.



Shh, it's our little secret through. We don't want to get cocky.


Also, I think I am feeling Panda. Little fluttery taps, unrelated to gassy times and definitely related to sugary times. It's still early, so I am not 100% convinced, time will tell on this one.

Apparently, we are more cryptic than I thought...

or no one else watches cartoons or listens to classic rock.

To our credit, when we shared the name with our BFF, he totally knew the references off the bat. So I guess it's hard to convey all your facets online (duh) and maybe my fault because I never blog about cartoons or music... I mean, they just are a part of my life, a constant thing, so I rarely think of them as formative or important in ways other than brushing your teeth is important.

But, without further ado...


Taili is from this character from the TV series Avatar: The Last Airbender. We love the show. It's based on kung fu and Donnie is friends with the man who did all the choreography for the show. Awesome cartoon with a fantastic moral message.

Page is from none other than this man:



Yep, Jimmy Page, the legendary guitarist for Led Zeppelin. He is a hero to both Donnie and I musically.

So there you have it. We've made it our goal to give all of our children meaningful unique (but not kooky) names with origins that aren't immediately clear. I'm pretty pleased.

Name game

I thought about it, and there really is no way I could give enough hints to the name that would even give people a sporting chance. The name is that obscure/unique.


Promise not to tell Donnie I shared? Promise not to borrow/steal/copy (at least not for 5 years or so)?









Ok so the name is Taili Page (Tie-lee, emphasis is equal on both syllables, not the first like "KYlee")

Now if anyone has any clue where the first name or second name came from, I would be pretty impressed. They different references entirely. Taili from one thing and Page a whole other topic.

Quinlon Jade and Taili Page... it has a nice ring to it, right?

"Shifting gears"

After some bumpy moments due to the sudden shift in parenting/relationship dynamic caused by my unexpectedly bad morning sickness, we've finally found a happy place, I think.

Many tears were shed (on my part, of course) over the feelings helplessness and being a burden on Donnie who already has his plate overflowing with commitments (college anyone?).

"We're used to riding down the middle of the road, nice and smooth, but now we need to shift gears. In the past, you've been the backbone of the family, Jess, and now I have to step up and shift things around and be here for you and Quinlon."

Seriously, what a fucking man!

It was rough because it was unexpected and the poor guy is already scheduled to the nines. Now he is studying at home, instead of on campus and even went so far as to go fet me ground beef so I could eat non crap filled hamburgers instead of McDonald's everyday.

Did I mention that there is still 9 inches of ice and snow out and the high today was like 20? Yeah, the combo of hormones and fear of the many smells of China and the cold has turned me into a veritable hermit.

It's not forever. I swear we repeat this to each other constantly, but for now we are surviving and when it does pass, it can "shift" back into Drive and we can go back to our normal balance.



And drama/stress aside, I think I got bigger which is funny since I lost another pound or two. So while my ass is smaller, the baby pooch is slightly bigger, at least I think so... What do you think??

+/-

+:
* donuts. Yes, we now have a western style donut shop in Taiyuan. Oh, happy day!
* I've been much better most of the time with my fluid intake. Mixing 1/3 peach juice with 2/3 water has helped. Not too sugary, not too watery makes a happy tummy.
* I've only had to resort to McDonalds once this week (I think).
* Quinlon is still sleeping through the night. Ladies and gentleman, I think it's sticking!!
* massive symptoms = growing baby.
* space heaters
* My husband is amazing and barely gets upset with me for being my bitch (aka running all over the fucking city for my food aversions).
* have decided on a name... thinking of doing a guessing game on the blog for a prize. Donnie wants to keep it a secret because he hates the idea of anyone "stealing" the name. I'm afraid my blog readers will rip me to shreds if I don't share LOL.

-:
* puking sucks.
* gagging uncontrollably in public just because everything makes you gag sucks
* It's 25 degrees outside and for some reason the heat in the building is off today. WTF is that about?
* Seeing some Quinlon behavior issues arising from the increase in screen time which is a total mommy guilt trip for me right now.
* Subway is NOT open. FUCK, I want a foot long BMT with all the veggies and some oil and vinegar... mmmmmmmmmm


My + list is much longer than the - which is good. Trying to stay positive when you feel like crap is not the easiest, but I'm fully convinced this is the Tao's way of teaching me humility and patience.

Nothing like a massage to brighten your day.

After a pretty craptastic start to my day, (waking up with a headache, puking up breakfast the puking again because of the stinky bathroom even though all that was left was stomach acid) I managed to make it out of the house and out to McDonald's with Donnie.

I had no classes today (another craptastic thing, because no class=no money) so we had the babysitter come for a few hours so we could have lunch and a massage together.


Nothing beats that right?

Well, except massage parlors in China are also basically brothels. You can have just a massage or you can get the "happy ending".

Obviously, we opted out of the happy ending but it made for some funny jokes back and forth while we were getting rubbed down. The girls didn't understand us, so they were our own little private jokes.

I'm currently being handed a hoody, a litchi and one shoe and Quinlon is demanding I put them on him immediately. LOL

Life with a toddler is never boring. Damn this kid loves litchi fruit.

Now a jar of jelly??? WTF, Quinlon, this is not a scavenger hunt.

All's quiet on the east side.

Nothing much to report, so to fill my obligation to NaBloPoMo here's a picture of Quinlon's first busted lip.

Sort of meh...

Had a decent day or two. By decent, I mean no puking, minimal dry heaving and only mild nausea. Still exhausted and miserable enough to be a sucktastic mommy. Well, sort of sucktastic, we have played whack the tennis ball at each other with plastic bottles and dance like idiots to Led Zeppelin. So, that is a step up, I think.

Mother in law mailed a HUGE package full of goodies/Yule presents for us. A little guitar, sock monkey jack-in-the-box, wooden Transformers (I was totally wowed by those), mini Lincoln Logs, magnetic board game, bees wax crayons, a talking parrot and a waldorf baby doll for Q. Damn, that is a HUGE list. And to think, all I have for him is a little scooter, a puzzle, a felted monkey ball and a hand dyed silk play cape. I was totally impressed that out of ALL the stuff she sent, the ONLY plastic toy was the talking parrot. Everything else was wooden/natural and the only thing that I specifically asked for was the baby doll. She did so good. I am so proud of her. Last year, I know she was stumped when we said nothing plastic because she just sent clothes LOL.

For us, there was Starbucks whole bean coffee, a cocktail shaker and glass set, TONS of Burts Bees goodies and some shirts... oh and shirts for Q, of course.

It cost $130 to ship that sucker. Anyone else want to nominate this woman for sainthood? She did say next time she would just send us paypal because that was waaaayyy to much hassle and $$$.


Anyone on here that is on my facebook want to be my water reminder? Lately I have been sucking at fluid intake. The nausea just makes me so anti ingesting anything, but then I end up dehydrated with a headache and even MORE nauseated. I need someone to poke my ass and remind me to fill that cup!

A break from the negative...

Quinlon has officially slept from 10PM-6AM without waking or nursing for 10 days. I am so proud of my big boy for finally mastering this skill when HE was ready. Sure, I was ready lonnnnng ago because 19 months is a LONG time to go with only 3-4 hour sleep increments, but I was determined to let him learn it peacefully and at his own pace.

The pay off is so sweet.


Just in time for 1st trimester insomnia/body temp/achiness issues. But let's look at the bright side, my boobies are getting a break at night too.

Bad day.

I'm losing the ability to take comfort in the morning sickness aka all day sickness and constant nausea.


I'm hitting a wall and not sure where to turn.


I just want some fucking peanut butter, is that too much to ask?

Fuck me running.

It's a dark path we tread these days.

C'mon Senate. Kill it good.

8 weeks and antsy

Little Panda is 8 weeks along (well, 6 weeks gestation yadda, yadda, yadda) and I feel antsy. I guess it's because this is a big trigger milestone for me. 3 1/2 years ago I went in at 8 weeks for an u/s and instead of happiness, got hit by a Mack truck of heartbreak.

And earlier feelings of confidence start to crumble a little when facing this milestone. Too early for movement to reassure me, and too early to reliably find the heartbeat on doppler (some very skilled care providers can around 8-9 weeks, my midwife with Q included. 9 weeks on the button we heard his little thumper).

Deep breath.

Still feel like shit, but it is so duplicitous because I didn't have reduction in symptoms with my miscarriage.

Deep down, I still feel like she is fine, but being a bit burnt by the past makes the ugly bitch doubt creep in. I've had a few dreams of losing her which I am sure is just my subconscious fears bubbling to the surface when I fitfully sleep.




Ugh, anyone wanna whiny clingy toddler? I'm totally not feeling capable of him today.

One day at a time.

That is my current mantra. Some days are hellacious with me running to the toilet or dry heaving until my eyes water every hour and some are only moderately uncomfortable with just a general feeling of ickiness.

Each day is one day closer to the end of the miserable part. It will get more fun... at least I *think* I remember it is fun at some point.

Last night we switched rooms around. When we moved into this apartment, the front room closest to the door, which is the biggest room and the only one with an installed wall ac/heat unit was the bedroom. Even with a king size bed and 2 wardrobes it was still just a big empty space. The living room was the smaller back room with the balcony and newer windows that are less drafty and definitely QUIETER. Finally, I gave in and we switched the two. Now the living room is big enough for a tea table, a toddler play area, 2 couches and the TV. YAY! Last night wasn't bad. I expected a little hiccup in sleeping pattern because of the slightly new surroundings, but luckily Quinlon was pretty good. I probably had more issues because of it than he did. Just a different set of sounds to adjust too since I was so used to the constant NOISE from the street in the other room.

Tomorrow, I should hear something about the doctor situation. But lately, the more I think about it, the less I am willing to have a hospital birth if we are normal and low risk. I don't want the temptation of drugs even available, because I know how easy it is to give in to the promise of relief in that moment of labor when you hit The Wall. (If you are good at reading between lines you will have read that as "When I was in transition I begged for drugs like cat in heat" ;-))

I'm still pursuing other options of care. I've joined a message board for international midwives and found that it is NOT uncommon for some to travel to mamas just to deliver babies in natural home birth ways in cultures where that standard of care is hard to find. If you pray, I would appreciate any spare prayers or positive thoughts you can send our way that I can find someone willing to do this for us. That situation would mean normal prenatal care in whatever fashion I find best for the time being and a special midwife flying in to hang out around the due date of little Panda. Pretty cool, all in all.

Ok enough of my rambling... I'm really sort of jumbled and overwhelmed today so I just typed what spewed out of my head. If you read it all, you must be either very bored or... well, very bored.

Call me an alarmist...

But modern prenatal care scares me in a LOT of ways. Not just the worrisome rate of C-section in the US, but more recently, a midwife friend of mine brought the concern with ultrasounds and doppler usage to my attention.

We're basically bombarding a growing unborn baby with ultra sonic sound waves. Did you know the military uses sound waves as a weapon now? Sound is nothing to fuck around with. There is REAL energy carried in sound waves. Think about when you go somewhere with super loud bass how it thumps uncomfortably in your chest...

There is a blog I follow (but don't always read because sometimes the information is really upsetting (because it's true) that is well written and researched with documentation. This is an excerpt from a article posted there.

"From 2,834 pregnant women, 1,415 received ultrasound imaging at 18,24, 28, 34 and 38 weeks gestation (intensive group) while the other 1,419 received single ultrasound imaging at 18 weeks (regular group). The only difference between the two groups was significantly higher (one-third more) intrauterine growth retardation in the intensive group. This important and serious finding prompted the authors to state: "It would seem prudent to limit ultrasound examinations of the fetus to those cases in which the information is likely to be of clinical importance". Ironically, it is now likely that ultrasound may lead to the very condition, IUGR, that it has for so long claimed to be effective in detecting."

The very ultrasound tools we use today were originally used to detect flaws in metal. Metal isn't alive, so who cares if it is dangerous to growing tissue, right? I mean, the creator obviously wasn't expecting the technology to be borrowed by a Scottish doctor to look at tumors and then later at unborn babies.

Prior to u/s technology, doctors routinely used X-RAYS to check fetal growth. WTF! And at the time, it was said that "antenatal work without the routine use of X-rays is no more justifiable than would be the treatment of fractures".

It just alarms me that we run around blasting our unborn kids with ultrasounds on a monthly basis in some cases for the purpose of checking growth.

Trust me, I had a miscarriage. One where I didn't even know until 2 weeks AFTER the fact because my body still thought I was pregnant. I understand the peace of mind peeking at that little heartbeat provides, but does anyone ever stop to think that a technology barely 30 years old with very little study into it's complete safety shouldn't be handed out like candy? It's a GREAT diagnostic tool, but nowadays we have companies providing "fun ultrasounds" and a album of pictures for the family book... Scary.

I'm not bashing anyone who does have repeated u/s. It's all your choice but in light of what I've been reading, I am glad I had a midwife last pregnancy who was "anti-frivolous ultrasound" (her words) and only had 2 with Q.

We have a health care system who has repeatedly pushed things to the medical market before being certain they are 100% safe (viox, effexor, etc) so it definitely raises some flags for me knowing what I have learned.

Something to think about, yes?

In response

"Anonymous said...

Good luck getting your requests met, Jessi, and congratulations on the new pregnancy!

I've been reading your blog for a while and have been wondering something. I'm guessing you and Donnie don't intend to become Chinese citizens, and therefore won't be subject to the infamous "one child" policy in China. But does the policy and/or the culture that has resulted from it made things more challenging for you? Do you expect to get some stares when you and Donnie are walking around with two kids? (A friend of mine who is a mother of three is planning to move to China in the spring. During their orientation, they were told to be prepared for that kind of thing.)

Thanks!"

I've already encountered a little of the disbelief bred by the one child policy. One of Donnie's student immediately asked if I needed help getting an abortion. And another asked incredulously how I was going to chase Quinlon around while pregnant. In both cases simply explaining that it's normal and common in our culture was hard for them to swallow.

I am actually sort of dreading once I begin to show. We get stares as it is... I know it will only grow exponentially once it is apparent that we are having a second child. As it is, we are semi-famous. Q is a little celebrity and gets away with near murder in public because he is foreign. It definitely works to our advantage most of the time, but the attention is exhausting.

"I hope that you are able to find a care provider who will accomodate your wishes. Is the high rate of C-sections related to the restrictions that were placed on the number of children allowed (opting for a surgical delivery so that tubes could be tied)? It is just so odd for a nation that places such emphasis on more traditional and holistic therapies!"

Yeah, but they are trying to phase out TCM in favor of Western medicine. ::sigh:: A lot of C-sections are so they can just get tubes tied at once, but there is also a social fear about your lady bits getting stretched out and not being pleasing to your husband after vaginal birth. Yeah, I'll give you a second to process that. My Chinese friend also said that at the public hospitals, it is not uncommon for Drs to get tired of waiting on women in labor and just rush to a section for scheduling reasons. Yeah I am sure your panties are as twisted as mine were.

My demands are a bit free thinking for their society. Remember they are communist and a big part of that social aspect is doing what you are told and not questioning things. We so totally do NOT fit in LOL

My list of demands...

I feel sorta bad for my Chinese friend and the HCPs she has to interview for me. Here's a copy paste of my email to her.

"Thank you again for helping me with this. I am apologizing in advance for how difficult this might be.

1st preference: Home birth attended by midwife/doctor who is comfortable allowing me to labor on my own with no IVs or constant monitoring. Fetal heart tones can be taken at regular intervals by doppler. After birth, baby will not go to the hospital. No injections, medications or supplements will be given to the infant in the case of a normal delivery. As far as pregnancy care, I do not want more than 2 ultrasounds the entire pregnancy. I will not have vaccinations or shots. In the case of afterbirth complications, I will allow injections of pitocin ( to start uterine contractions. This was necessary at Q's birth). After birth, I want to be allowed to breastfeed on demand and to be left alone as much as possible.

If there is no caregiver willing to attend at home, I will consider a hospital setting but only with the expectation that is to be uninvasive and as much LIKE a home delivery as possible. No monitors, no IVs, no medications. Baby does NOT leave my room without a parent in attendance EVER. After birth, I want to be allowed to breastfeed on demand and to be left alone as much as possible.

Not sure what the post partum follow up standard of care here is, so any info you can get on that would be appreciated. Also, as far as newborn exam being required, I want it performed with me or Donnie present.

Let me know if you have any follow up questions."

I am sure they are going to think that I am off my rocker, but here's hoping she has luck at the private hospital that has a lower C-section/intervention record and are more likely to facilitate my "demands".

The good thing in my favor is that, in China, money in the right hands can get you a lot of things that aren't easy or... sometimes legal.

I HATE first trimester

Seriously, I can think of NOTHING positive about the first 3ish months.

I am so sick of being sick. I have a massive hate/hate relationship with food. Next to nothing sounds good and half the time what does sound godcomes back up faster than things that I didn't want to eat.

I'm so emotional and keep having nightmares.

I'm exhausted and have turned into "that" mom... you know the one that plops the kid in front of the TV in order to lay on the couch and feel like shit. I HATE how much TV time Quinlon has had for the past few weeks.

And my house. :::sigh::: If CPS were to come, they might have a case... I have swept once in the last 2 weeks and my mop is MIA, not that I really have looked for it. I HAVE managed to keep laundry sort of under control (until today when I realized Quinlon has NO clean socks). But the clutter and mess is just atrocious and I am actually embarrassed by the state of my home. But, no matter how I try, I can't get back on top of it. More than 5 minutes of physical activity results in hot flashes and nausea so bad that I am torn whether to run to the bathroom or curl up in bed and cry.

I just want to fast forward to 2nd trimester. I loved it. The belly, the movement, the energy!

Lest anyone think I am not appreciative of my situation, because, let's face it, above whining can seem quite ungrateful, I will say, that Donnie has been wonderful. I think he is more excited about Panda than I am and has bent over backwards to help me so many times. He cleans the kitchen for me almost daily (NO WAY can I face the sink full of slimy dishes or all the SMELLS) and runs errands for me like you wouldn't believe.

I'm just ready to be able to enjoy this pregnancy like I did with Quinlon's.

Phew

I almost missed blogging today. Stupid morning sickness had me in bed most of the day and the rest of the day was spent wrangling a SUPER moody/whiny/clingy toddler.

This is what you get when aforementioned circumstances collide.

NaBloPoMo

What is this, you wonder?

National blog posting month!


Check it out for yourself!

I figured what better way to try and beat pregnancy exhaustion bloglessness than with some prize motivated contests!!

Thank you!

Thank you for all the support and concern. I really am lucky to be a part of such a wonderful group of people here in bloggerland.

I am fine. Not hurt and definitely over the feelings of vulnerability and helplessness that are natural results of something like that.


Back to the regularly scheduled program of puking and nausea and barely keeping up with a crazy toddler.

Trick or Treeeaatt.....?

I got mugged today.


On the semi crowded bus on the way to teach class some man shoved me down and ran for the bus door. At first, I thought he was just trying to catch the doors before they closed but then, a split second later, I realized my phone was not in my pocket. By the time I managed to get up and orient myself we were moving again and there wasn't much I could do.

First, I was fucking angry, then a split second later, I burst into tears because of what ~could~ have happened. I'm fine, baby is fine, a little shaken, but FUCK, what if he had had a knife or if I hadn't caught myself on the chair before I fell all the way to the floor?

And to make things worse, I can't even call my husband to comfort me... I don't know his number by memory and I was too flustered to even start to think of how to ask to use someone's phone in Chinese.

I went on to class and taught, because, hell, I didn't know what to do and then after class walked a few blocks to the main campus to find a foreigner who had Donnie's number. I met my friend Sunny on the stairs and as soon as she asked why I was there I broke into tears again telling her the story.

Donnie was enraged of course.

Sometimes, I miss the US where people would have jumped that guy's ass for attacking a woman like that. Here they just stare at me like I did something strange and don't intervene for fear the "bad man" turns on them too. WTF!

I fucking hate October. Every October is bad. 2006, was when Evelyn was due. 2007, Donnie's aunt he was super closed to died. 2008, Donnie's best friend of almost 30 years committed suicide and 2009, I get mugged. If a 1300 yuan phone is all it takes to satisfy my terrible October trend, then I will take it. I have my health and live and babies. Fuck the cell phone.

I have a feeling the weight loss will continue

Today, I've managed to eat one small sandwich and keep it down. All other efforts at eating were rewarded with a rebelling stomach that resulted in some quality time with the toilet.

Here's the almost 7 week belly picture in which I am nearly 3 lbs lighter than when this started. Not even a tiny bit pregnant looking... the bloating I had was brief and now I am shrinking LOL. The little pooch is my normal little pooch that I can never get rid of.

In the midst of...

the Twilight madness that abounds, I have to wonder how pissed off Anne Rice is.





Hell, I'm pissed off for her. Lestat is way hotter than Edward.

Wordless Wednesday: Random Toddler moments

I'm down...

almost 2 lbs. I never lost weight with Quinlon. This time my appetite is hit or miss and half the time when I am hungry I can't find anything that remotely sounds good enough to not make me dry heave at the thought of actually consuming it.

I've only actually puked once due to the retched smell of our bathroom pipes wafting up through the sink drain... But all day long I feel so queasy and tired and oftentimes downright on the verge of tossing my cookies.

So this is what pregnancy is really like, eh?

I don't know how woman who have hypermesis gravidarum survive this and then have any subsequent kids. I know my situation is paradise compared to what HG mama's suffer for the whole 9 1/2 months and I am pretty miserable. My hats off to you, gals, for sure.

In happier news, I am now quite sure in my intuitive guess that this babe is a girl. So there is my official prediction... let's see if I can go 2 for 2.

What makes you smile?

Giveaways?

Yes?

Then go here!

The wonderful, beautiful, inspirational, and of course gorgeous Summer is giving away some WONDERFUL little treasures to make someone smile!

And don't forget this wonderful giveaway by another fab lady!

Boom!

I feel like I got hit with the crappy pregnancy symptom stick out of nowhere... I've been MIA in Bloggerland because I've not had the concentration to type out a coherent post. The nausea, food aversions and MAASSSSIIIIVEEEE exhaustion have sucked what was left of my ability to write coherently right out of my head.

Case in point, I had to re-type above sentence 3x. It also doesn't help that my toddler has turned into velcro since I got pregnant and insists on "helping" with everything. He also thinks the cursor is hysterical and keeps jabbing my monitor so hard it wobbles quite frighteningly (it's a flat one).

I didn't feel like this until 7 weeks with Q and this time 5 weeks was the not so magic number for the fun to begin.

I forgot how much I hate first trimester.

My Chinese friend who has volunteered to help me scare the crap out of potential care providers for this pregnancy with my crazy list of demands will meet up with me this week. She says she knows of a good hospital... I guess you can say I haven't really clued her in on my demands yet. LOL Who knows, maybe there is a super progressive hospital with nice birthing suites who will leave me to my crazy hippie ways... We'll see.

Cooking.... ramblings and a question or two.

I love cooking. All of it. The prep, the seasoning, the tasting. I LOVE it. However, the cleanup is less than happy for me. Usually Donnie will take care of the dishes and mess I tend to make all over the place when working my culinary magic.

At the moment I have an enormous pot of homemade veggie soup on the stove cooking away. And by homemade, I mean hand diced tomatoes, garlic, carrots, cauliflower, onions, green beans, spinach and potatoes all bought yesterday from the veggie market downstairs.

Which brings me to my next point of interest. Even in America, I preferred to make things from scratch. I did use canned beans and tomatoes mostly because the convenience and in the case of tomatoes, the PRICE. But I ALWAYS chopped my own garlic and onions and potatoes and season things myself rather than by the "kits". Here, all veggies are dirty cheap and there is no such thing as canned beans so I've gone totally old school down to soaking dried beans overnight to cook them most of the day the following day.

Often, people who eat my cooking ask for a recipe. This is a tricky question. I am not a cook by numbers sort of gal. I totally just eyeball measurements and add random ingredients that strike my fancy and season to taste. I like not being constrained by a set of instructions, but I know it is frustrating for others when they want to duplicate something I made at home.

So my questions:

Do you use dinner kits?

And are you a recipe vixen or a fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants chef?

Wordless Wednesday: My little artist

Already?

Yep. The gender comments.

Did anyone else have more of them the second time around?

According to Mr Widget to the right, I am a mere 5 weeks pregnant and already have had my fill of "hoping for a girl?" comments.

Even so far as to be argued with when I nicely explained that we have no preference and would be equally thrilled with either gender.

"No, EVERYONE has a preference, you're lying to yourself if you think you don't."

W.T.F?

Honestly, I am being 100% sincere when I say that I don't care what parts the baking kid has between his/her legs. Would a girl be awesome? Hell yeah! Bows and swing tops and skirties and ribbons. And another boy would be equally as awesome, I like the idea of being able to say "my boys"... although it sounds no cooler than saying "my kids" if they are of both gender.

But some people seem to have this warped idea that perfection in your family unit = 1 male child and 1 female child.

For me, the perfect family is one that is happy, (goddess willing) healthy, and loved.

The... fun... of paranoia. (TMI?)

Walking down a side street after class I felt a gush.

Panic.


Stop walking.


What do I do?









Yep, I stuck my hand in my pants in public to check. Phew. Just love pregnancy juiciness.

Today is very special...

I lit my candle. <3

Today is October 15th, infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. I lit one candle for our little one, Evelyn who left us too soon taking with her a piece of our hearts. Please join me in lighting a candle tonight at 7pm your time, that will create a continuous wave of light for our beautiful lost little ones and remember those who have suffered the immeasurable pain of miscarriage and infant loss.

7 PM came and went here and I lit my candle on our altar. I am so lucky to have Quinlon and another blessing on the way after experiencing the heartbreak of miscarriage.

Now that the dust has settled a bit

I had serious moments of "What the fuck have we done" and the whole "this ruins everything" emotion that I guess is natural with a surprise like this one yesterday.

I'm sure I will still have moments like that. Having 2 kids just a little more than 2 years apart is a challenge that I was not really planning on facing any time soon. All the comments I've received in congrats and well wishes have really boosted my confidence and this morning, I woke up excited at what our future as a family holds.

Donnie even said that he is getting excited too and that is far from the initial reaction I actually imagined. Already he is rubbing my belly and talking about Quinlon being a big brother. He seems to think we are having a girl and despite my initial feelings of it being a boy, I am feeling a lot of my intuition in the direction of girl. We really have no preference, but hot damn, I would LOVE to knit some girly, lacey, things with ribbons and all... LOL

Added the widget back. It's nice to see an old friend. I can take credit a being the spearhead of this widget's growing popularity. I LOVE it and was super excited to find it. I was actually look for widgets for my Mac laptop and came across that one for websites and the rest is history. Can't wait until Panda looks less like an alien and more like little baby.

Ok, back to knitting and cleaning...

My heart is pounding.

Next summer is going to be quite exciting come mid-June.





I guess my complaining about AF returning and not thinking I would ever get a "surprise BFP" came back to bite me in the ass. I about 4 1/2 weeks along. So early, but strangely I don't feel nervous. That will probably come when the shock wears off. I feel no need to keep it quiet until any certain point because if I miscarry again, I'll be open about that as well. Better, in my mind, to not have to admit to a secret pregnancy if something bad does happen.

Now the fun part of figuring out pre-natal care in China begins.

In honor of post number 300...

Here's a little peak inside my brain.

I have difficulty blogging about personal stuff lately because I got my hand slapped about something dear to my heart on another internet social-esque outlet. I need to lose this hesitation in regards to MY blog... so to make 300 count I am putting it out there.

All the things you should know about me, like it or not:

- I have severe ADHD that I manage with strict diet and caffeine therapy. Being inside my head is chaotic at best and on a bad day, downright terrifying. I'm sure everyone feels this way to a certain extent, but the gap I have to cross each day just to function successfully is exhausting.

- I have an IQ of 160+, or at least I did last time I was tested. Sadly, this gives me a slight superiority complex that is a natural result of my intelligence. Luckily, my Dad was good about keeping me humble and I have a wonderful husband who reminds me that a lot of my frustrations stem from interactions with people in which I have unrealistic expectations.

- I feel sad for babies who are formula fed for no good reason. Not situations where it was the best choice for all involved, but in situations where the family discourages BFing or when some woman choose formula for vanity reasons.

- I hate circumcision. I understand it is an integral part of the Judaic faith, but that aspect aside, it breaks my heart. And "Dad wants the baby to look like him" is NOT an excuse. Please tell me when and where fathers and sons compare penises... No really, I'd love to know where in our social interactions this ever becomes an issue.

- I don't trust the government. At all. They do not have our best interests at heart and it makes me sad that my homeland is falling so hard and so fast.

- I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight at night for over 18 months. Sleep training never works. He is super high needs and I am ok with that. It won't last forever and years from now I will wish he still wanted to cuddle himself to sleep next to me in bed.

- I have major self esteem issues. Major.

- I still only barely get along with my parents. We totally can be friendly and talk on a surface level but there is no closeness. Sometimes it makes me sad, but I've tried so hard over the years to reconnect and failed. I finally had to stop putting my heart on the line over and over only to get put at a distance again. I have given up ever being close to them on a deeper level ever again and am just content to be on speaking terms most days.

- My MIL, while sometimes annoying, is a wonderful lady who tries continuously to keep herself a part of our lives. It means a lot to me. She is always willing to ship us things at the drop of a hat and never asks for anything in return.

- In my opinion, crying it out is cruel and traumatic. My mom did it for me and I STILL have massive sleep issues that I know stem that.

- Most days I am happy with me, faults and all. Some days I feel like a terrible mom, but Donnie swears to the contrary.

- AF is 2 days late.

I maked myself something!

A lovely cashmere/merino blend cowl!

Over the top? Moi?

Thanks to the fabulous Sarah R for honoring me with this award!

Award & 1-word quiz!
Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? bed
2. Your hair? messy
3. Your mother? ok
4. Your father? difficult
5. Your favorite food? hotpot
6. Your dream last night? forgot
7. Your favorite drink? tea
8. Your dream/goal? doctor
9. What room are you in? family
10. Your hobby? knitting
11. Your fear? loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? asleep
14. Something that you aren’t? blonde
15. Muffins? mmmm
16. Wish list item? cashmere
17. Where did you grow up? everywhere
18. Last thing you did? slept
19. What are you wearing? thermals
20. Your TV? ugly
21. Your pets? nada
22. Friends? love
23. Your life? exciting
24. Your mood? hmmm
25. Missing someone? yes
26. Vehicle? bike
27. Something you’re not wearing? Perfume
28. Your favorite store? Parksons
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? Awhile
32. Your best friend? Donnie
33. One place that I go to over and over? Market
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Hotpot

I nominate
Joellen
Shayna
Larissa
Nicole
Hollie
Kate

Just a short PSA:

If you breastfeed exclusively and are lucky enough to be period free for longer than 5 days after your post partum bleeding ends, please don't whine when your first post partum period does arrive (months and months later). It sort of makes me want to scratch your face off.


That is all.

ANOTHER fab giveaway!

Summer is always giving away awesome stuff and this time is no exception.

B is also for Baby

Check it out.

Wordless Wednesday

OMGOMGOMGOMG!

My BFF is pregnant!

K, back to your regularly schedule program!

His aim is a little off...

I love giveaways!

Mosey on over to this lovely lady's blog for a chance to win 12 awesome prizes just in time for the holidays!

I totally cannot wait!!

CLICK ME!! Ok, not me, but the little picture above me!

The world makes me inordinately sad sometimes...

I wish I could vent about what is bothering me but the world of the interweb is a small one and doing so would make me quite the insensitive fuck.

::sigh::

All I can do is tend my corner of the universe and make it as happy as possible. Here's to keeping contentment alive and well.

Wordless Wednesday

aka Merry Un-Birthday, Quinlon Jade.

I'm so flattered!!

I have been honored by the lovely Lisa over at Our Janidlo Clan with this awesome blogger award! Go check out her awesome family including to crazy handsome twin boys who must share their mischief making secrets with my boy, Quinlon! Thank you so much!!

Rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each

So, yeah... 7 things about me people may not know.

1. In third grade I was the star of the school play, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". Not a stretch seeing as how I have dark hair, fair skin and pink lips naturally and I was good at acting. The problem was another girl in my class wanted to be SNow White so bad that when she found out she didn't get the part she sobbed in class. Being the sensitive child I was, I was ready to just give her the part until my mom told me that it's not my fault that she was upset and I should be happy for myself.

2. I have huge texture issues. There are several foods that trigger them the most. Mushrooms are a big one as are raw tomatoes. I can only eat a tiny bit of jello before I start to gag uncontrollably and yogurt could be hard too. I also cannot under any terms scoop the dish drainer gunk out of the basket with my bare hands without dry heaving so bad that it results in actual vomiting at least 1/2 the time.

3. I cannot go to sleep unless I have lip balm on.

4. I am terrified of shots. I rarely get them but last time was when I was vomitting uncontrollably with it coming out the other end just as constantly and they gave me a shot of something to curb the nausea and vomitting. When they told me I needed the shots I sobbed like a baby and Donnie was like WTF it's just a needle. I nearly passed out from hyperventilating. Cute, right?

5. I have an unhealthy love for fresh pineapple. Sorry, just drooled a little.

6. I hate driving cars with automatic transmissions. HATE it.

7. I can do the wave with my tongue.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for. I hearby nominate:
Queen Bee
Sarah R
Nicole
jenn
Hollie
Beautiful Mess
Christina

Now, off to let them know how awesome they are!