Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I need to write more.

The book.  It's... there.  The ideas, their swirling about and some of them are exquisitely good.  Lately, the problem hasn't been material, but sheer lack of motivation.

I'm lazy.  And a major drawback to my ADHD issues is that when lists get too long, I get overwhelmed and shut down.

My list won't stop growing:
Clean house - gotta catch back up first of all from being so uselessly sick, THEN have to go above and beyond because we have people coming to stay with us for a week or so in only 2 weeks.
Learn Chinese - I'm terrible at this one.  Studying has never been a strong suit and if I actually have a classroom setting, I've never needed to study because I am such a quick learner that usually the lesson itself is sufficient for me to learn the material.
Write amazing novel good enough to get me published and start a career -  Yeah, no pressure.  I've realized that I need to get a notebook and start handwriting my thoughts because often, I have the most productive brainstorms when not near my computer.  But I've never written a book, the idea alone is daunting.  I can write a damn good essay, but the concept of actually making something as long as a book cohesive and intelligible has always given me a lump of anxiety.  And then actually finding the quiet time for both writing AND the previous item (studying) that is not punctuated by a toddler yelling that he peed in my shoe or falling off the back of the couch or stealing the honey and pouring it in his diaper... *sigh*  Not an ideal working environment for anyone, let alone someone who has attention/focus issues as prominent as mine.
Deal constructively and positively with the terrible twos - Congrats to us, we've officially hit the 'no' shouting, toy throwing, food spitting, hitting, tantruming terrible twos.  Fun.  No.  Really.

All this while maintaining the normal everyday tasks like cooking and playing/teaching Q and oh, yeah... growing a baby.  Also, have I mentioned I am still sleeping like utter shit?  Yeah, apparently this pregnancy is going to be one where sleep and I are not terribly friendly with each other.

So I shut down and fight the urge to mindlessly watch TV or surf the internet all day.  I've been slowing getting better, but it's hard.  So hard.  And Donnie is out of town on an impromptu trip to help a friend for a week and now I'm handling this whole list without the little help Donnie can provide in the midst of his to-do list overload with school.

There, I've admitted what a sorry useless loser I've been lately and I feel better.  Making it public gives me more accountability in making the steps to improve this rut I've found myself in.

First things first.... I forgot to brush my teeth and now it's 1:30 PM.  Oy.  It's a start at least.  Then I'll finish my gigantic cup of Italian roast coffee, eat lunch with the Q-monster, put him down for a nap and try to make a dent somewhere in my list.

Yes, it's a start.


Lisa said...

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I also have a long list and have been too lazy to do it... TV and the internet is much more appealing right now. And I don't have the very good excuse of being tired because I'm already busy growing a baby...

Kate said...

yay mommyhood! :P
lots of luck flying solo this week... hope Q goes easy on you :)

Queen Bee said...

:) one day at a time.

i've had some days that i considered a success because logan was clean and fed. and i completely sympathize with seeing a long list and shutting down mentally.

chicklet said...

For me, brushing my teeth and going pee is a successful day. Actually showering or making lunch or doing anything on my to-do list is a freaking FANTASTIC day:-)

JuliaHefner said...

I know exactly how you feel, and I think just about every stay at home mom does too (and if she says no, she's probably lying, or drinks way too much coffee!) LOL... It's the no motivation curse of us SAHMs, and I wrestle with it every day. I was at my worst a few weeks ago, and determined that it was in fact PPD coming back to rear it's ugly head again (as it can do for several years after childbirth). I wasn't sad or weepy like I was before, instead I called it a 'functional depression'. I've been back on meds for a few weeks now and have noticed a very significant difference for the better. I couldn't remember if you had PPD issues after having Q, but if so it could be a re-occurrence. Not exactly what you'd want to hear, but at least know you're not alone!