Monday, November 9, 2009

8 weeks and antsy

Little Panda is 8 weeks along (well, 6 weeks gestation yadda, yadda, yadda) and I feel antsy. I guess it's because this is a big trigger milestone for me. 3 1/2 years ago I went in at 8 weeks for an u/s and instead of happiness, got hit by a Mack truck of heartbreak.

And earlier feelings of confidence start to crumble a little when facing this milestone. Too early for movement to reassure me, and too early to reliably find the heartbeat on doppler (some very skilled care providers can around 8-9 weeks, my midwife with Q included. 9 weeks on the button we heard his little thumper).

Deep breath.

Still feel like shit, but it is so duplicitous because I didn't have reduction in symptoms with my miscarriage.

Deep down, I still feel like she is fine, but being a bit burnt by the past makes the ugly bitch doubt creep in. I've had a few dreams of losing her which I am sure is just my subconscious fears bubbling to the surface when I fitfully sleep.

Ugh, anyone wanna whiny clingy toddler? I'm totally not feeling capable of him today.


jenn said...

I know this is a hard milestone for you- while I am sure everything is fine with your little panda- I haven't been there to feel the doubt & fear. Well- beyond just being too informed & knowing just how much can go wrong.

That said- my very ggod friend/coworker is pregnant with her 2nd at 11/12 weeks right now. I don't blog about her since it's not my story to tell- but she had a loss last year around 8/9 weeks. Very similar to your angel. She also was so worried and so scared abot the milestone week. It is really tough to get through- just know that you aren't alone. You have support no matter what & even though this is a hard week- it too will pass.
I hope you get to hear your little panda soon & get to feel her very quickly so she can reassure momma!

Lisa said...

Jessi, I have no idea how you feel. But I am sure that a woman's normal fears are compounded when she has a previous miscarriage. I cannot say for sure that everything is fine, but it more than likely is.

I would glad take Q off your hands for a while, but it's a LONG trip from China to Eastern Canada! Good luck!

Iiri said...

~hugs~ Jessi. Like you said, deep breath. It's all you can do.

I would SO take Q for you if I could.

Tara said...

It always seems that on the worst days, when the emotions and thoughts get the best of me and I just need some quiet time to mull it all over, that is when the little one is at her worst, her most whiny, her most cranky. That part is really hard.

I understand how hard this milestone must be fore you. I hope you sail on past it and all continues to go well.

Hollie said...

Oh... I'm sorry you are feeling down. Send Q over my way. What's one more whiny toddler? At least they could keep each other company.

Kate said...

i had a total meltdown yesterday too.... the first tri is just brutal. i hope this milestone passes you by entirely uneventfully, but i understand your fears bc i share them. the worry never goes away, does it? sigh... in a few short weeks we'll be out of the 1st tri scariness & panda will thriving, i'm sure of it!

Birdee said...

I would love to take him for the day, we would finger paint and eat pbj's. (I'm a killer baby sitter).
I've always wanted to ask, and I don't know why I haven't. I have never minded talking about my own losses but still dont want to offend if someone else doesnt want to talk about it. But if you do, I never was around durring your loss and wondered what was the story.
GL with you u/s (if you having one soon) I pray everything is okay in there and you find peace with it soon.

Sarah R said...

*Hugs* I felt that way too. I was so scared, but everything was fine this time! Hang in there, girlie!

rocket.queen. said...

Thanks everyone. Q actually straightened up and we had a good afternoon... but it is so true that when you need a moment, toddlers seem to sense it and start raising hell.

Jewels, he LOVES PB&honey... used to steal my sandwiches when I would set it down to do something else. I'll post a detailed story of our miscarriage in a separate post. I am pretty sure I have before but it was probably years ago and too hard to try and dig up. LOL

Emmysmom said...

couldnt help but notice you referring to panda as "her/she"!! heh heh!