Friday, November 14, 2008

I've been a bad Taoist...

although that sentence is fairly un-Taoist in nature since where the Tao is considered, there is no such thing as good or bad, only existence and subjective perception of it.

I've let a combination of familial circumstances, a trying child, financial crises, and personal conditions wind me up into a time bomb. I'm ashamed to admit that my beautiful, amazing, perfect son has taken the brunt of my frustrations. My patience has been shorter than its normal brevity and it's skewed my perspective so badly that I have found myself resenting the greatest blessing the Tao has ever bestowed on me.

The guilt is pretty heavy. My conscience is punishing me, which I more than deserve for allowing myself to lose my perspective and become so out of control.

But no more. Evolution is inevitable and I refuse to be left behind.

"Allow your life to unfold naturally
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection
Just as you breathe in and breathe out
Sometimes you're ahead and other times behind
Sometimes you're strong and other times weak
Sometimes you're with people and other times alone

To the Sage
all life is movement toward perfection
So what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?"

- Tao Te Ching, Verse 29

By being so reactive to my circumstances, no matter how difficult, I have been resisting the Tao and, therefore, my misery is no fault but my own. There is no misery when in harmony with the Tao, only contentment in the natural progression of life. Quinlon is only acting out of natural need and my frustration is coming from an inherent difficulty of splitting my focus that stems from YEARS of personal therapy to overcome ADHD. The Tao knew what it was doing when it gave me Quinlon... he is just another tool of Tao to help me evolve and become more at one with it.

Armed with this revelation, my perspective has made a complete change. It's like a light switch was flipped and now, I can see the tantrums, the screaming, the boycott on sleeping as just natural challenges to be met with patience, love, and a smile. At the end of the day, I have an amazing child that I get to mold and guide and teach the ways of the Tao. I have been given an incredible duty and I accept it happily and will do my best to never let it become a burden ever again.

From now on, just call me "Zen Mama" (not really, Zen is Buddhist. ;) but it gets the point across)


Jewels said...

Truth be told - I'm learning more about you that I didn't see in the past (with the Tao) and so many of your thoughts, actions and beliefs compliment what I've been bringing into my life.
Just thought I'd say this. I enjoy learning about you and hearing what you have to say and what you've learned.

I agree that there is no good and bad. I don’t (or haven’t) studied the Tao much - I'm just scratching the surface on all this (I didnt know Tao and Zen were from different sources - I'm new - but I liked what I heard when Dylan was little "A child can not learn the leson of forgiving if he has noone to forgive" - I say that because I dont believe in beating my self up with guilt. We are human and you'r beautiful and a great mom.