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Friday, August 28, 2009

I have a confession...

I am jealous of women who get pregnant on accident. It happened to me once when I didn't want to have children and my conflicting emotions still haunt me today. Maybe my lack of happiness and excitement caused the miscarriage...


All around me people have oopses and are happy and go on to have babies. What if Evelyn was my only chance at that emotion. I fucked it up.


I want a do over. I wanna go through daily life, la-de-daaaa and then one day feel strange and on a whim, take a test and boom, there is that second line. No months of agonizing, no temping, no obsessing... Dammit, I just want a surprise.

Hell, I know it could be worse. I read the blogs of friends daily who need medical intervention to ever see two lines and I pray so hard for them while my heart aches for their struggle. I'm lucky I don't face that. But I am not so lucky as to have a wham-bam-thank you ma'am conception tendency. No Fertile Myrtle here but not quite infertile either.

What a fucking sucky grey area, yeah?

9 comments:

devonmarie said...

You have to know deep down that you didn't cause your miscarriage, we are not that powerful.

I'll probably never have that feeling of a suprise either, and I mourn that. I'm so envious of my girlfriends that are just starting to try for their first babies and they have so much hope. That's what I want back is the hope, the thought that sex=baby is something that is gone from me forever.

Hollie said...

It's completely normal to feel jealous. You want a baby. I can see how being in the grey area would be hard... not infertile, so you don't get much sympathy, but not fertile myrtle, so you feel the pain. Have you gone to dr since having baby Q? Maybe it's harder to get pregnant while nursing? Just thinking...

Thanks for the support on cloth diapering. I'm still not sure about it and how it will work, but I'm excited to give it a try!

Sarah R said...

You never know....I really think some women can be more fertile after their first baby, and you could so fall into that category! You are probably more relaxed now than you were with that first preganncy, and no, I don't believe you caused a miscarriage--not at all! The two that I had (which I was super, super excited for both of them)--I know those were not my fault. The first one could have been a fluke; the second one I'm pretty darned sure was due to low progesterone.

I wish you the very best of luck....you know when your fertile days are in the back of your mind. Every single time I have gotten pregnant has been when we BDed the day before ovulation. *wink*

I am really rooting for you!

jenn said...

As much as I know it's near impossible to not think that way- I really believe that the things that happen to us in life are for a reason. I definitely don't think you fucked anything up.
The way I look at it is this- if we had gotten our 'oops' or first month trying pregnancy- I wouldn't have Caiden. Sure I might have another baby I love just as much- as I know you love/would have loved Evelyn. But ~this~ baby- this wonderful amazing unique ball of chub & personality, I wouldn't have ever met her. And I can't imagine life happening any other way- as hard as it was to go through 20-ish cycles, I would want it the same way if it meant getting her.
I'm not comparing ttc to the loss of your angel- I know that is a devastatingly difficult experience & the guilt that seems to come with that is unimaginable to me. Just sharing a bit of my view on life & fate & all that. I think our decisions & actions can affect the outcome of our life, but that not being excited about something definitely did not cause your heartbreak. (hugs)

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

You never know...

It could happen.

Life is strange and full of surprises.

I see you deleted your last post. Now, I'm curious. All ok?

Kate said...

ditto.
i can't help but think i somehow caused our miscarriages too.... rationally, i "know" that's not the case, but emotionally i tihnk i'll always carry some guilt.
what i'm most jealous of the the blind happiness, the ability to TTC & get pg without fear.

MrsDrink said...

I hear ya. 500mg of Metformin and 250mg of Clomid is really taking it's toll on me.

An "oops" right now would be the best thing to ever happen to us. I won't hold my breath for it though.

Mandy & Jeremy Hall said...

Saw that you were following my blog! Hope you get your surprise soon :)
If there's one thing I've learned in my journey--never blame yourself...

rocket.queen. said...

Logically, I know nothing I did caused the miscarriage, but my heart hurts and sometimes it creates guilt where there really shouldn't be any.

I really really really hate the damn grey area I live in between IF/normalness. It sucks in its own way.