Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Brain vomit...

I'm stuck on the pregnancy thing. I know no one who will better understand than many of my blog readers and trying to vent to Donnie about it is not cutting it. He doesn't get it really.

I want another baby.

But I don't.

Confusing enough for ya?

Damn, this is harder to express than I thought.

I love pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. I love watching this tiny life grow and thrive dependent on me and Donnie. I love the feeling of completion and accomplishment and pride I have when I gaze at my son sitting on the couch pointing out animals in his picture book in Chinese AND English.

So I look around and say "wow, Quinlon is so big and getting so independent" and I feel that itch to start a new round.

I guess I officially have baby fever, only my case has some strange side effects.

Quinlon still nurses at night and requires at least 30 minutes of time devoted to getting him to fall asleep. He is still high needs and well, takes up a LOT of my time.

I start school next month (this is not such a negative because with baby wearing I can wrap a newborn to me and be set pretty much all day with only some diaper change pit stops. Nursing in a wrap is easy as cake.) But then it is a negative because when the hell will I get to study?

But on the good side again, we will already have a full time nanny helping cook and clean, so I am already ahead of the game compared to when Quinlon was born.

So while the itch is nearly unbearably strong, I am still hesitant to switch into active TTC mode. This doesn't even include my deep seated fears that Quinlon is my fluke and after 16 months of sloppy natural birth control methods and several instances of big oopses, still no pregnancy that TTC will prove to be a futile exercise.

We walked a fine line when it comes to the infertility title. Not technically earning it but so close it makes the doubts take root and choke out hope for future successes.

So that is where I am. Torn.

We've taken the stance of not preventing but not trying because if I do wind up pregnant unexpectedly, as a couple we've come to a place where we are ok with it and would be ecstatic.

So, hello, my name is Jessi and I am in baby making limbo.


Colleen said...

Awe a baby :) I think you should just go for it. All the things that you mentioned about Q requiring a lot of time and school will really work itself out. I know that you had some challenges (I hate to use that word) before, but in my opinion you shouldn't let it stop you. You know that if it's going to happen it will happen. It's frustrating I am sure, but some things are up to a higher power. I hope that it works out for you.

Shannon said...


I would like to join you in baby limbo...

...and I say we go for it! There will never be a perfect time to have another baby. I think there is something very special about having kids close in age. Of course, extremely hard when they are little, but extremely worth it when they are older.

So I will sprinkle a little *baby dust* on you and hope a pleasant surprise is in your future!!

--Shannon (WebMD PAL Grad)

rocket.queen. said...

Colleen, you make a good point with things working themselves out. I always have faith that the Tao will show me the way once I have set my mind to something. I just need to shake the doubts and make that decision. It is hard not to look at our TTC journey that started over 3 years ago and worry, but you're right. I can't let it stop me.

Shannon!! I have no idea about close kids. My sister and I are 3 years apart and we fought so much. I am always sorta hoping that we have an oops so I don't have to actually make a decision, but that would be too easy, right?

Kelly said...

I'm going to shoot baby dust your way too!! I think you should go for it:) My brother and I are 2 years apart and are best friends. I want my kids close together.

PS. Where did you get your baby wrap/wearing thing? Does it tell you how to wrap it? M's too little for it. Thanks!

Beautiful Mess said...

I agree, you should just go for it. Let the card fall where they lay.

There's never a "perfect" time to family build, but it sounds like ya'll are doing an outstanding job! The answers will come!
Good luck, hon!

Queen Bee said...

aw Jessi. (hugs) i was in limbo myself when jason had already decided he was ready, ready. i too was worried about work & school. not going to tell you what you should do or any of that, just know that i feel ya. there are days now that i think "how are we going to manage that?" but it's a reminder to step back and realize that i'm not in control.

also, jason doesn't wonder this but i do- i also sometimes wonder if Logan was a fluke. all of those months of charting + cycling normally + BDing perfectly = nada for 11 mos. (hugs) seeds of doubt are pesky little buggers.

Carrie said...

Ahhhh Limbo. Not a fun place to be at all but you have to weigh these things, ask the questions to get the right answers for your family.

I know you will come to the right conclusion, and am so happy you can get pregnant by yourselves... maybe it will surprise you how quickly it happens?

Thinking of you... keep us posted!

Birdee said...

Well congrats on the Limbo ::wink::
I know that feeling only differetn, mine was because there is such a big gap between my kids (bigger now since I didn't know that I'd be IF).
But for me, I just thought "is there ever really a good time" and "what do I want for my son - to have someone IF something were to happen to me, as of now, he'd have nobody".
I look at Nancies girls and see them hold hands, dress up the same, dance and kiss and as much as I've loved watching my son, I now want THAT, I want to watch my kids with each other. So I do want one more. And with IF, I dont know that I'll ever prevent again unless I either have another baby or this one just gets too old that they wouldnt really enjoy each other, or if I just feel too old, but I dont plan on prevention when this one arrives.

jenn said...

I'm not going to chime n with an opinion on what you should do, but my sis & I were pretty much exactly 2-1/2 years apart & it was pretty great for us. Especially now she is probably my best friend. That said- I am a strong believer in 'what is meant to happen happens when it was meant to'. the fact that you are not really preventing, not really trying leaves a lot to fate/the universe/tao, etc. And I think that given Quin's age & the fact that you guys are still pretty young, leaves plenty of wiggle room for you.
I do understand the 'i do, but i don't' concept though. And pumpkin's only 4 months!