I have a confession...

I am jealous of women who get pregnant on accident. It happened to me once when I didn't want to have children and my conflicting emotions still haunt me today. Maybe my lack of happiness and excitement caused the miscarriage...


All around me people have oopses and are happy and go on to have babies. What if Evelyn was my only chance at that emotion. I fucked it up.


I want a do over. I wanna go through daily life, la-de-daaaa and then one day feel strange and on a whim, take a test and boom, there is that second line. No months of agonizing, no temping, no obsessing... Dammit, I just want a surprise.

Hell, I know it could be worse. I read the blogs of friends daily who need medical intervention to ever see two lines and I pray so hard for them while my heart aches for their struggle. I'm lucky I don't face that. But I am not so lucky as to have a wham-bam-thank you ma'am conception tendency. No Fertile Myrtle here but not quite infertile either.

What a fucking sucky grey area, yeah?

Back in the saddle.

We're making music again. It feels amazing to be creative in this way after 4 years of writer's block. Yep, 4 years.

This makes me ill...

Guardasil Reasearcher says vaccine is not what you might think.

I thought this was a bad idea from day one, was laughed at, called paranoid and a "conspiracy theorist".

I don't even want to say I told you so, but this shit is scary. What are we doing to our children?? Instead of teaching to always use a condom and using highly effective preventative screening we are injecting a "cure all" that doesn't fucking work!

My sister got the vaccine and when I told her about the severe reactions and even deaths resulting from it, her response was a shrug and, "Well, I didn't die so who cares?". Is this seriously the attitude we have about what we put in our bodies? It didn't fuck my life up so it can't be that bad...

When are we going to take a stand against the poisons they are pushing on us?

She's crafty!

The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. I promise I'll make it worth your while!

This offer does have some restrictions & limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3- They say I have a year to get it to you but I promise it won't take THAT long.

4-You have no clue what it's going to be.


The catch?

You must repost this on your blog & offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

Bonus: The first person who tells me the pop culture reference made in the title of this entry gets a little special extra something in their package.

bulletproof

- Q was teething, remember? Well, I thought it was the logical next 4 incisors. Well, I was wrong. Quinlon how has 4 molars and 1 new incisor all in the span of a week. This kid is really a great teether. He might sleep like crap, but he barely gets cranky even when TURBO teething.

- Today, Donnie said the most amazing thing about breastfeeding. We were in a taxi returning from the train station and Quinlon began signing milk and whining. I gave in because the poor taxi driver was getting flustered from Quinlon's escalating tantrum. Donnie leaned over and said it makes him happy when I nurse more often (we've been trying to cut back). I asked him why and his response was "Look at him. He's so happy and peaceful and you look so beautiful. It's natural. It's the way it is supposed to be, him nursing, you taking care of him and me taking are of you." I melted, seriously. Is he amazing or what?

- I got a new wrap today (finally) and Quinlon, who likes being wrapped, but is normally ambivalent about the wraps themselves, snatched this one from me and is currently watching Monster's, Inc. cuddling with it. I think it is a keeper.

- I've been having daily sinus headaches since the season began changing and it sucks. If it doesn't settle down by next week, I am getting some TCM done asap.

a sneak peek...

I am not going to post a detailed picture of the tattoo until it is finished but I do want to share the awesomeness that is the dragon.

dear goddess, I love tattoos.

Progress...

I must say, tattoos hurt MUCH less after experiencing natural childbirth. Seriously, it was a fraction as bad as I remember my other tattoos hurting even the ones in non sensitive places. Granted, we haven't touched the underside of my upper arm or elbow yet, but here is a crappy webcam progress pic.

I'll post better pics later, I swear.



We got all the line work done for Guan Yin herself (hard to see because it is super thin and light since it is a portrait and not meant to have thick black outlines). The face itself is just stunning and took the majority of the 5 hour sitting.

My baby is not a baby...

"At 16 months: your child is 23 pounds, and that is at the 20th percentile for weight. your child is 31 inches, and that is at the 29th percentile for height."

Ok so maybe he is a little peanut still, but his vocabulary... omg.

English:
bye bye
wa wa (water)
night night
diaper
change (as well as the sign)
juice
tea
drink (as well as the sign)
dog (pronounced as dag like Brad Pitt in Snatch)
more (as well as the sign)
shoes
bag
belly button (pulls the shirt up and points and then wants to see everyone else's)
baby
pee pee
poo poo
this
dada
mama
all done (as well as the sign)
shirt
no


Chinese:
xui - water
gou gou - dog
mao - cat
da xiong - elephant
zai jian - good bye
ya ya - duck
ma - horse
yu - fish
zhe ge - this
niao - bird

I think that is all, but GEEZE the list is HUGE when just a month ago it was less than 10 words!

bump!

- It's been a bit of a bumpy couple of days. Everything seems to be smoothed over now and I hate airing temporary dirty laundry on the internet, so I will just leave it at that.

- Q is teething bad again today. Clingy and weepy... starts wailing and puts his hands to his mouth. It breaks my heart to see.

- Nevertheless, I have managed to do a load of diaper laundry, made progress on organizing Q-man's toy cabinet, colored pictures with the little man, gave him a bath and have everyone fed (but not dressed LOL).

- I HATE waiting on fluffy mail. What is fluffy mail you might ask? I have bought 4 wraps recently and I am now NOT patiently waiting on my mail to arrive. Sucky international snail mail. The first one is due here ANY day, the rest have some more time before I can really get anxious. I am basically working with ONE wrap lately because Q won't tolerate long wraps and the long time it takes to wrap with them so we have just been using my one short wrap for quick 1-layer carries which caters to Q's lack of patience and everyone is happy.

- Thursday I go to the tattoo artist and see what great thing he has drawn up for me. I spent over an hour yesterday there telling him what I wanted regarding layout and content and style. He seems really awesome and on the same wavelength despite the language difference (don't worry, we have a translator helping). So as of Thursday, I will be starting a tattoo I've wanted for a LONG time. My Guan Yin sleeve! I am way way way excited.

- We officially have all of our school money for this semester, 12,000 yuan. We are really getting excited for the fall semester to start.

Q & A!

Kickin' Kari said...

I have this ignorant pre-conceived notion that China is dirty, I don't know where I got that idea in my head from..Is it that way at all?

Actually, not that off base of an assumption. China did not have an EPA type organization until very recently so many of the industrial oriented cities are pretty dirty. Taiyuan is up there on the dirty list, but it is also globally recognized for its clean up plan that has improved the standards of air by 150% in 5 years. It is still really dirty and I would have hated to see what it was like 5 years ago, but it is a start. Also, China is still overall a 3rd world country which means no standardized means of garbage disposal (think piles in alleys) no clean public water source (you have to boil tap water before you can drink it) and really low median standards of living.

Birdee said...

I hope I don’t make an idiot of myself by not having my facts straight - correct me where I'm wrong. You're no idiot, silly!

But you are living in China? (is that correct?) Indeed

What do you miss about living in the US? Most of the time nothing, but the often I do miss food. Chik-fil-A, sub sandwiches, a good thick medium steak and baked potato.

& since your move to China, What differences would you make in the US if you could. Oddly enough, China has not changed my views on my own country. It is definitely NOT a 'grass is greener' situation and it just shows how every system has it flaws.

What is the hardest part of living in China? The culture differences and shopping can be a pain. There is no such thing as a store that carries everything. For electronics you go to one neightborhood and for food, another and clothes yet another. It's annoying. I miss Target.

What is your favorite part of living in China? I work awesome hours at an easy, rewarding job, get paid extremely well and can earn more than enough to live comfortably and pay my way through school. Honestly, I like being away from the rigidity and business of American society. I have so much more time to be everything I want to be.

Hollie said...

Exciting that you are TTC! Good luck. Thank you!! It's very interesting to me that you are living in China. I have read up on your blog a little, but I am still curious. Why the move to China? What kind of teaching are you doing? And you mentioned going to school? Maybe I missed some details. Hope I'm not being too nosey...

We moved here because Donnie is a kung fu disciple to a master here. He has done kung fu for 20+ years and it is a huge part of his life. Also, we both want to do Chinese Medicine (TCM - acupuncture, herbs, massage, etc) and feel the best place to learn is at the source. We both teach ESL class. It is a lot of fun, and very rewarding, not to mention EASY! And, in my book, no such thing as too nosey!

mandy_moo said...

I'm going to think really hard, I swear I will come up with something. stupid prego brain...

It's a good thing you are cute. LOL <3

Queen Bee said...

well i participated last time! ;)

i'd like to learn more about Taoism. how did you come to find that it was best spiritual fit for you? are there ceremonies specific to it as other faiths do?

I'm answering these two together ;-)

amandaleggett said...

I know that you and your DH are very devoted to your religion...but I can't remember what it's called and what the principles are. (I know. I suck lol)

So, how did you come to find this religion (if that's what you call it) and what drew you to it?

It was a long journey. I was raised very strict Christian (for those of you familiar with US denominations, Church of Christ) and it never fit. I could never find the joy and peace and contentment that everyone swore I should have. I only found questions and self doubt and complete misery trying to fit into a mold that I was not made to fit into. After HS when I was out of my mom's influence, I gave up religion period and that phase of my life as quite tulmutuous and, well, still unhappy. So at around 19 I started looking into other philosophies and religons like Kabala, Buddhism, Confuscianism, etc. I had found a pretty close fit with Kabala, but there were still aspects that didn't quite mesh, but I was far happier than without any sort of guidance. Then I met Donnie and he was a Taoist priest and very confident in his beliefs and we talked so many hours about it and from day one, it just clicked.

There are many sects of Taoism, many more mysticism based than others. Our sect required practice of Taiji and meditation to cultivate yourself. Also the study of the Taoist texts and prayer is also a part. We choose the goddess Guan Yin as our focal point for prayer. She is the Taoist and Buddhist goddess of mercy. We have a small alter set up to her and burn incense and pray daily. One day I will type up a very detailed post about our ceremonies and daily worship practices.

Tabatha said...

Can I ask 2? Pretty please!? Well, technically, isn't that 3...? ;)

Ok, #1, Do you plan on moving back to the US and if so when?

Possibly. We haven't counted it out but it all depends on how a lot of policy making goes in the US in the next 5 years.

#2, How did you and Donnie meet?

Myspace... haha turns out we happened to have mutual friends and not know it, but our first words were exchanged on myspace. He then drove 7 hours to meet me after 3 nights of talking on the phone all night long.

Anonymous said...

I think I may have left this as a comment before, but ...

I'm a Christian Protestant with a strong interest in learning about other religions. I'd love to hear more about Taoism and your practice of it. I actually always thought of Taoism as more of a philosophy than a religion. I'd be curious to know:

It is technically a philosophy, but what makes it a religion in some cases are the traditions and ceremonies developed as ways to enlighten and strengthen your sageness and oneness with Tao.

How is it practiced? Do you attend services? Participate in prayer or meditation? Is there a sacred text?

We practice by living as natural as possible lives with the choices we make. As I answered above, we have prayer rituals and do regular study of Taoist texts. During special festivals or what I like to call "natural holidays" like the solitices and such we have special ceremonies and celebrations. We really practice a very loose religious form as there are other sects that are quite strict with dietary restrictions and sexual practices.

What drew you to the religion?

Never feeling harmony with Christianity. That being said, I am of the stance that all religions are just the same message spoken in different languages. I know this doesn't mesh with the beliefs of many Christian faiths that feel they are the one true path, but I don't feel I can judge anyone who is seeking enlightenment to better themselves regardless of what the NAME of that deity, practice or faith is.

What was your experience of being a Taoist in the US vs. China? I'm assuming a lot more people practice it and are familiar with it in China.

Actually, the Cultural Revolution of 1966 destroyed the public knowledge and belief in things like Taoism, Buddhism, kung fu, etc... Very little survived the purges or "liberal bourgeouis". We actually face more skepticism and ridicule here than in the US. Ironic, right?

Thanks, Jessi!!

JAIME said...

please don't ever stop blogging, i was very disappointed when i logged in for all those months (okay maybe it wasn't THAT long) and there was nothing from you. your one of my fav people from the prego boards on webmd. anyway... um, a question... do you ever plan to return to living in the us? what exactly is donnie teaching in china?

Aww that is so sweet!! I won't stop blogging, I swear. I need the outlet too much and I love all my blogger friends! (I answered your questions above ;))

Larissa said...

As a fellow breastfeeding mother, what was the hardest part of breastfeeding for you? Latch issues. At about 12 weeks we faced some bad latch problems and I spent many days crying and wishing that I could give up. Thank goddess for a husband who was willing to do anything to help us.

What age to plan on BF to? The official stance we have is child led weaning or age 3 which ever comes first. At 3, that is my time to take my body back and I feel like he will be old enough to understand on a limited level and old enough that the benefits lost are not that great when compared to the benefits gained from the length of time he did nurse.

If you got pregnant and gave birth to your new baby while still breastfeeding your son, would you tandem breastfeed? Absolutely! Continuing a nursing relationship with an older sibling is a good way to ease the shock of introducing a new sibling. It has been shown to help with them acting out and to help with PPD.

Christina said...

In China do you have medical insurance? Nope, but healthecare is cheap.

How does health care there work? Because it is a government run health system, the hospital is where you go for everything from a headache to a car accident injury. It often sucks because the lines are long and care can be rushed.

When you do conceive will you give birth in a traditional hospital, birthing center, home?? At home, hopefully with a midwife or a natural birth educated Dr but it can be hard to do here. The norm is planned c-section and tied tubes in one fell swoop. Gotta love the one child policy.

Where will Q go to school? Will you homeschool? He will be homeschooled... all of our children will be. We will probably utilize part time homeschool enrichment programs and homeschooling groups but we want to be in charge of our child(ren)s education

Klane said...

I offered before but I am really interested in being someone's penpal/packagepal and was wondering if you wanted anything from the US that I could send to you? Are you up for it? I will send you Cinnimon Toast Crunch!

I'd love to! I always feel odd asking people to send me things because it is a pain in the ass, but I would love to exchange goodies back and forth! Email me! jessi.dooo@gmail.com

fuentes said...

Hello, my name is Lisa and I’m a blog stocker. Well no need to hide, I love new readers!!

I’m also a crappy commenter and question comer upper, but here goes

What is your opinion of the Chinese gender calendar? It was right for Quinlon... haha. Actually, I am not sure what it is based on but now that you bring it up, I want to research it and ask if it is even something that is used here. Awesome question!

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

cool new background.

yes, i want to know all about china and taoism.

what else?

fave food there? There are so many. I mean, I liked Chinese food in the States, but it doesn't even come close to the food here. I guess over all my fave is called Hot Pot (Huo Guo) It is a big pot of boiling water in the center of the table, either spicy with lots of peppers or just seasoned with garlic and ginger and others and not spicy or half and half if your group is of a divided preference. And then you put veggies and meat and fish and noodles in and boil away and eat... every one just grabs what they want when they want it. Totally family style and SO delicious. It is a social meal and always best with a big group. We share beer and shots and lots of food and conversation. It's an experience not just a meal.

favorite cartoon when you were a child?Either Thundarr the Barbarian or Pirates of Dark Water

favorite childhood game? I did a lot of imaginary play, but I LOVED to play Candyland and Mario Kart on Super Nintendo

if you could be a sandwich, what would your toppings be? I loooove sammiches. I'd be roast beef, salami, ham and provolone with sweet pickles, black olives, pepperoncini, bacon, vinaigrette mayo, and yellow mustard (sorry NYer, I can't do the spicy brown Gulden's stuff. I'm a southern girl at hear)

LOL. yeah. i am silly.

Arly said...

Blog stalker here (we met on the ttc boards in 07...) Wow, way back in the day!! Nice to see you again! ;-)

2 questions

1. Has Q ever seemed to want to wean himself? And what have you done about it? Not even close, lol. He loves his "nuh-nuhs" but if he had tried after the 1 year mark I would have let him.

2. What do you think about orgasms during natural childbirth? I think I am jealous of the women who have them. Orgasm and childbirth don't come close to being together in my experience so more power to those who can have pleasure during something that is normally quite stressful and, duh, painful!

This was crazy fun! Thank you for the AWESOME questions! I will have some future posts going more in depth on some of the topics you asked about especially now that I know people WANT to hear about it.

Make it stop!

This, my friends is why I have the baby bug.

My little Monkey is a little boy! (A little boy who likes to steal my yarn)



No worries, I AM in process of writing a post answering the questions you asked. I am flattered and please with the turn out! Stay tuned.

Another fabulous giveaway!

Summer over on b is for brown is giving away some gorgeous stationery.

Check it out! Enter and spread the love!

Last time I did this...

it was a flop. No one asked me questions. It was a huge blow to my ego and I very nearly stopped blogging. Yeah, I know, dramatic, but sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, it seems.

But anyway, I seem to have some decent traffic (I really need to re-add the little visitor tracker thingie) I thought I would try again.

Ask me any question you would like. No topic is off limits and I promise to answer truthfully.

K?

Go!

Wordless Wednesday

Daddy is working hard.

(Teething sucks!)

Bye bye, control. Hello, destiny.

I guess the consensus is to suck it up and get to doing the nasty...hahaha

I took a moment to consider the age difference and how happy most children seem with the difference of about 2 years. I think Quinlon would really enjoy having a close sibling and without realizing it, the original plan of waiting until after school was done made me sad that Q would be an only child for almost 6 years.

And everyone is right, there really is no perfect time. Emotionally we are ready and that is what truly matters.

So, we're going for it. Nothing so far as charting and obsessing yet. I don't what to do that yet, but I know my body and know when I ovulate (thanks old faithful cycle of mine) so we will be intentionally timing things and praying for the best. In my heart I know that things will happen as they are meant to and being hung up on should I or shouldn't I is just bringing conflict into my heart that is unnecessary.

To quote a great movie, "The panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you, yours until you relinquish the illusion of control."

I'm letting it go. Bye bye, control. Hello, destiny.

I can never go back

to the message boards that started it all while I was TTC and pregnant because the stupidity seems to have multiplied.

While browsing because I am bored I see this in someone's signature:
"J*** K*** 11/15/07 My Little Menace!"

Really? You are calling your son a menace? I'm sure it's all in good fun and sweet but people just have no clue what classifying someone something negative can do regardless of your intent.

Then, I'm feeling a little eye roll happy after that and stumble on this gem:
"So I normally get a discharge the week after AF. Well right now I am 2 days from AF coming and I am having a discharge that is not clear, but white and milky looking. What could this be? I am really thinking I am prego for some reason..... I took a test yesterday but it was negative and still a little early.

Could this discharge be associated with pregnancy?"

This is from a woman with 2 older children. Maybe I am holding people to impossible standards... ok, I know I hold people to standards higher than I should. Seriously. You have 2 kids and you haven't figured out what pregnancy symptoms are or that no one but a fucking pregnancy test can tell you that you are pregnant? Wtf.

Brain vomit...

I'm stuck on the pregnancy thing. I know no one who will better understand than many of my blog readers and trying to vent to Donnie about it is not cutting it. He doesn't get it really.

I want another baby.

But I don't.

Confusing enough for ya?

Damn, this is harder to express than I thought.

I love pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. I love watching this tiny life grow and thrive dependent on me and Donnie. I love the feeling of completion and accomplishment and pride I have when I gaze at my son sitting on the couch pointing out animals in his picture book in Chinese AND English.

So I look around and say "wow, Quinlon is so big and getting so independent" and I feel that itch to start a new round.

I guess I officially have baby fever, only my case has some strange side effects.

Quinlon still nurses at night and requires at least 30 minutes of time devoted to getting him to fall asleep. He is still high needs and well, takes up a LOT of my time.

I start school next month (this is not such a negative because with baby wearing I can wrap a newborn to me and be set pretty much all day with only some diaper change pit stops. Nursing in a wrap is easy as cake.) But then it is a negative because when the hell will I get to study?

But on the good side again, we will already have a full time nanny helping cook and clean, so I am already ahead of the game compared to when Quinlon was born.

So while the itch is nearly unbearably strong, I am still hesitant to switch into active TTC mode. This doesn't even include my deep seated fears that Quinlon is my fluke and after 16 months of sloppy natural birth control methods and several instances of big oopses, still no pregnancy that TTC will prove to be a futile exercise.

We walked a fine line when it comes to the infertility title. Not technically earning it but so close it makes the doubts take root and choke out hope for future successes.

So that is where I am. Torn.

We've taken the stance of not preventing but not trying because if I do wind up pregnant unexpectedly, as a couple we've come to a place where we are ok with it and would be ecstatic.

So, hello, my name is Jessi and I am in baby making limbo.

Standing still.

Nothing interesting is really happening... No, really!

Just teaching classes and mommy things.

Yesterday we went to a friends wedding and it would have been more fun had Quinlon not decided to hate everyone and everything the whole time we were there. He refused to let anyone else hold him and wouldn't be his normal cute flirty self. So frustrating.

I really need to clean our apartment and since I can't really think of much else to do, I probably will actually do it. haha.

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(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

He discovered the joy of strawberry jelly on toast.

Randomness at nearly midnight...

Teething is not fun, but I am lucky it is one of the few things Quinlon seems to do well. A bit more restless at night but that is about the extent of it. Kiddo is cutting 4 teeth at once and other than waking several more times at night and being slightly clingy he's such a little warrior.

Funny thing I've noticed is that I rarely miss anything from the US, except... FOOD. There are some days I would kill for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with rice milk and maybe waffles and peanut butter and honey... ugh. That is not to say that the food here is not phenomonal... it is, really. There is just something about the comfort of a bowl of cereal in your pajamas while watching cartoons (even if the cartoons are all in Chinese around here).

Ok, I lied. I totally miss Publix. Best grocery store there is, really. *sigh*

Lately, the Tao has crossed my path with some really special people and I am so insanely happy to have met them. I hope I can make as much of a bright spot in their lives as they are already making in mine.

I got bored with the blog layout and found another (just wish it wasn't from a stupid site with all the links and crap). And, surprise, I changed the blog title. "Love.with.caution" was from a long time ago when I felt my heart was injured and fragile and this blog was about healing and recovering from life's missteps. Now, I feel I have passed into a place in my life where I can love freely and dance more, hence the new title.

I'm feeling chatty, but can't think of anything else pertinent at the moment and I really should go to bed.

Good morning to most of you and good night to me!

*insert exclamation of happiness and excitment here*

Guess who starts school in September?


Give up yet?











I am so excited. TCM is such a huge part of our lives and now I get to learn it at the source! Even better, I am going to specialize in herbology and Donnie will specialize in acupuncture (we learn all of the techniques regardless, but your specialization means you spend one extra year learning more about that skill in depth). We figure that we can compliment each other's skills this way and since I am the science/chemistry geek, mixing herbs and medicines is right up my alley. They even teach cultivation of herbs and how to find them in the wild. I am so ridiculously excited!!