Sunday, March 9, 2008

Nothing to see here...

I'll admit it. I'm panicking. I've burst into tears at least 3x today, including in the check out line in Wal-Mart with the remaining items I need for my birthing bag.

I just feel so overwhelmed and unprepared. My house is a mess... don't even get me started on Quinlon's room, or should I say room that has his stuff in piles?

If he were to come tomorrow, we would make it. We have the essentials done, but I want everything to be PERFECT and I am just getting such anxiety from the fact that it's NOT done.

And, honestly, I get this huge knot in my stomach when I think of how I will soon have a tiny little infant depending on me and only me for EVERYTHING. I just don't feel confident in my ability to do this... And the idea of giving birth is terrifying me. It's irrational. Donnie keeps telling me how amazing I will be and not to worry. He says that if I can make him feel like he can do this, then there is no reason for me to be so worried. He believes in me, but lately I can't seem to muster any faith in myself.

I'm sure this is common... kinda like cold feet before a wedding.

I'm just so scared.


MDShamrocks07 said...

You can do this and you will do this and you'll be amazing at it. Just think of all the hard times you've had in your life (go ahead, I'll wait) and think of how you got through them. Determination and a need to move through that period of time...same thing here. You are determined to be a good mom and that is what you'll be xInfinity. Things probably seem scary now but when you see Quinn for the first time, all your worries will disappear (at least that's what I'm told).

Don't worry. You're an amazing wife and an amazing friend so you couldn't be anything less then an amazing mom.


Stephanie said...

Holy shit, you are human. You are scared because this is a big deal, you are hormonal, you're unable to see your feet and people stare. They ask unwanted questions and you see yourself naked and cry some more.

It is a 1000X's more stressful than cold feet. You can back out of getting hitched...labor, not so much. Something my birthing coach told me was this... You are destined for "x" amount of contractions, so each one you have is one less. So bring them on. The sooner you have them, the sooner they are done.

Take a deep breath and just be. Nothing you are doing is wrong. Nothing you are feeling is unacceptable. You are doing this all and feeling just the way you need to in order for YOU to go through your birth.

Who cares if we have all had similar feelings or if some have felt worse or better about the processes of bringing our child into this world. I was 100% in denial, so I have no room to talk, lol.

Somehow, some way, it just all comes together in the most amazing way. When it gets ahead of you, stop, take a deep breath (or 100), and use the power you know you have to find your center and get back ahead of it. It's okay to fall down, but it's getting back up that matters. There is no right or wrong way, only the way that is right for you. You're the Mom here.

That infant you're getting weebed out by... he is a reflection of you. I had days where I did not like Brad so much. That's okay too. I had days where I did not like anyone or anything, but that was just the way it was. You are doing beautifully, scared out of your mind, full of panic, total uncertainty, it's perfect. It's human.

Feel free to call me or email. You do not have any reason not to scream at the top of your lungs right now. Freak out. It is so okay to feel the way you do.

Jewels said...

I know how you’re feeling. I went through that with my son.
And I'll be honest, after I had him, I was extremely overwhelmed,
I would get in the shower and not want to come out, I was so scared and all I could do was bawl my eyes out while milk squirted all over the shower.
How was I supposed to remember all the things I needed too to keep him alive (let alone give him a good life).
I had to feed him every 2 hours,
Feed him 20 minutes on each side (who has a timmer?)
Figure out why he was crying,
Try to get him to sleep when he was supposed to
Try to wake him up when he was supposed to
Clip his fingernails 2X a week,
Take him to his scheduled Dr. Visits (which was a ton when he was well, even more when he was sick)
And heal in the middle of all this (Physically and hormonally)

Life got really big. Too big for me..

So I got a bright Idea and bought a Day Planner and marked every thing I was supposed to do every second of my day.
THAT DIDN’T WORK, It made things worse.

So hunny ~hug~ let me share with you something that actually helped me, and maybe it can do the same for you.

Take it one day at a time, One moment at a time.
When he cries, you'll intuitively know what to do.
When he starts scratching him self, clip his nails.
When he poops, change his bummy.
When he’s hungry, give him a boobie,
And if you can, try not to obsess on all the things that need to be done in the future, just stay focused on what he needs right now.
Try not to be so hard on your self if you don't match that IDEAL you had of your self before he came along. Everybody has an “Ideal”, and then everybody has a “what’s real”.

And when this little man hits his 2 month mark, I promise you, you'll feel like a juggling pro, And if your like me, you’ll choke up every time you see a woman who is about to become a new mom, only because with out words, you understand what she’s about to experience, and it’s nothing you expected when you first got that BFP.

~BIG Hug~ to you sweetie, I’ll be thinking about you in these next coming weeks as you all prepare for his arrival and I’m looking forward to that announcement that he is here.

Jewels said...

BTW, My baby just turned 13 today.
I'm Overwhelmed and an emotional mess today too.

Poltzie said...

I wish I had some advice but I've got nothing. All I can say is that pregnancy has been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me so it must be "normal" to feel this way!
I can't wait to hear all about your birth story.

Nicole said...

Normal Normal and Normal to feel this way, but I know that doesn't make you feel any better. As long as you have a handful of diapers and a few burp clothes, you'll make it through the first day, and that's all that matters :)

rocket.queen. said...

I am literally sitting here bawling right now.

Shay, you always know exactly what to say to make me smile and calm my nerves. You've been my rock through this whole last year and a half and I really don't know what I would have done without you.

Steph, I love what your labor coach said. It is such a good perspective and it's what I've been trying to frame my own perspective around for the past few days. I'm NOT going to let my anxiety win because I know, deep down, that I CAN do this. I have to stop pretending that I can be the perfect mom... I know better, but as humans we just want so badly to be perfect for our children in ways our parents fell short. It's so good to hear that it is ok if I am not on point every minute of every day. That kind of pressure is unrealistic and hearing you say that, just takes a HUGE weight off my chest.

Jewels, I always adore your perspective. I wrote down that last paragraph about taking it one day at a time because I know somewhere I will forget that and end up overwhelmed and crying in the bathroom because 3 or 4 days pounced me at once.

Nicole, expect me to call you in a panic... LOL Or at least whine to you about how much the poopy smells. LOL

Stephanie said...

awww. see, that a girl. use the women around you for support. Nicole is amazing. She has successfully delivered TWO babies, 100% natural! Her last, her daughter, included pitocin. Drink in her knowledge and absorbe all the support you care to receive.

I'm still impressed with you. I was young when I had Brad, it's hard in its own way, so you do what you know is the right way and that way may not even be understood until the end... of course, even then, it's absolute perfection.

Welcome to the next chapter. I found at this time I gained an amazing amount of respect for myself as a woman. I grew a beautiful baby boy. He survived me too. Wow.

Karin said...

Jessi -
You wouldn't be human if you didn't have all these emotions running through you, this fear, this adrenaline, and this eagerness to meet this person who is meant to be yours.

Labor is a challenge, delivery is a gift. You were made to do this, and it is the easiest pain to forget. The first days will be the most awkward, humorous, exhausting days of your life, but it will seem as if you blinked, and you and Donnie will be looking back saying "Remember when..." Enjoy them.

Enjoy the middle-of-the-night feeding, because before you know it, Quinn will be throwing your homemade cooking on the floor, wanting mac & cheese instead. Enjoy rocking him on your chest, sound asleep, because before you know it, he'll be scrambling out of your arms to go run and play. Enjoy changing every single diaper, because before you know it, he'll be picking out "big boy underwear" and proclaiming his independence. They grow too fast. Everyone says it, and it is so true.

All you can do, is the best you can. I say that to myself every day I wake up, since I've had children. Take it one day at a time, and the silent confidence that is being a mom will find you, I have no doubt!

Anonymous said...

These are all normal feelings. Even with my second I still felt that way. You just have to take it one day at a time, and ALWAYS trust your gut. Do not listen to any advice just follow your heart. I let that happen way too many times. You are going to be a great mommy and at the end of the day as long as your baby is fed, dry and happy that is all that matters. Good luck in the upcoming birth of your child.

Amy (friend of Steph)