He's on a roll....

Happy Thanksgiving

I used to have mixed feelings about this holiday being that I have a deep sense of pride in my Native American heritage. Seems macabre to celebrate a holiday that is so steeped in genocidal slaughter.

I reconciled it by making Thanksgiving about family. To me, it is a time to cherish good food, friends, and all loved ones and sit back and count what you have been blessed with. The history behind the holiday upsets me, so I decided to separate them in my mind. It works for me and makes this holiday enjoyable and meaningful in it's special way.

So, in the spirit of MY version of Thanksgiving, I am taking the time to count the blessing the Tao has brought me.

A loving, devoted, amazing husband who loves me even when I am unloveable and has been a key factor in the exponential personal growth I have achieved in our time together. Donnie is my rock, always there to comfort and strengthen me. I cannot imagine my life without him and find it hard to remember how things were before him.

A gorgeous, intelligent, HEALTHY, son who lights up my every day. I could watch his peaceful, innocent face for hours while he sleeps and my heart melts every time he smiles at me. We fought long and hard to be able to have the privelege of being parents and each passing day, I am more and more grateful for the miracle of life. Mother is the greatest title I have ever and will ever hold. I see the world in hie eyes and I never want the light to fade. He gives me hope and helps fill a hole in my heart that losing our first child left there.

Wonderful, caring, generous friends who have put themselves out there for me when I needed it. Without their support, we might not have made it through the dark days intact. The Tao has brought so many amazing people into my life and when I sit back and think on it, I am truly beyond blessed to be a part of their hearts.

I have my health, and my sanity, a place to sleep and food to eat. There is nothing more that I can want for.

May the Tao bless you as richly as it has blessed me. Happy Thanksgiving!!!



(I will answer the questions from the precious blog post tomorrow).

Breaking news...

William Wallace is alive and well and resides in Houston, TX.

He enjoys chasing vacuums and actively practices his war paint skills.



He looks so happy at first. Then super sad when he got caught.

Let's play a game...

I am curious as to what my readers are curious about.


So, ask me any question you want... no holds barred!

No nononono!!!

He cut a tooth. I can feel the edge of it all nice and sharp. Still can't really see it, but it's there and it's the beginning of the end of baby-ness.

:sob:


I leave you with a recent video chock full of cute.

Free baby carrier?

Clicky

I love love love our Beco, but really, I won't say no to a free organic Ergo.

She's crafty.

Quinlon chose a lovey. Yay, right? Yeah, except he chose the one nursing night gown I own for those occasions I need to throw something on really quickly to leave my room. sigh.

It's long sleeve and knee length and just a cumbersome, bulky lovey. Sooooo, I made it into a gnome. I have enough to make another and possibly a third as back ups. I have a love/hate relationship with the sewing machine (more hate than love) but I managed to not fuck it up too badly.

really?

"As your baby's muscles are becoming stronger, she's apt to lunge forward onto all fours from a sitting position. She may go into a "precrawl" exercise, rocking back and forth on hands and knees with her trunk parallel to the floor. Most babies begin to crawl between 7 and 10 months"

He's been crawling for a little over 2 months... I didn't realize that he was early. I guess he is worried more about locomotion than teething LOL. Still toothless, just have 2 bumps that never seem to sprout teeth.

General musings during naptime before showering

There is a certain beauty in chaos. The noise, the movement, the overall madness and cacophony that envelops you.

I love it.

It just confirms I was meant to have a large family. Not to mention, Quinlon loves being the center of the craziness. He has adjusted sooooo easily to being in a house with 4 other children. He adores the older girls who dote on him and give him the attention he demands constantly and is fascinated by the youngest whom is only 2.5 months his senior. She is significantly less interested in him, but he seems to enjoy the thrill of the chase.

In the midst of the chaos, I feel quite together... oddly enough. I have really been focusing on the new perspective the Tao has given me and so happy in knowing I am bringing my life into harmony with the Tao. Personal cultivation feels so good.

Just a quick little smudsh before bed...

No time to type much since I am tired and my one glass of wine has kicked my ass...

but I leave you with adorableness at the park today.

Feeling very blue...

very, very blue. I love him so much.

I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep until this is over with. He is my world, and without him I am so lost.

I've been a bad Taoist...

although that sentence is fairly un-Taoist in nature since where the Tao is considered, there is no such thing as good or bad, only existence and subjective perception of it.

I've let a combination of familial circumstances, a trying child, financial crises, and personal conditions wind me up into a time bomb. I'm ashamed to admit that my beautiful, amazing, perfect son has taken the brunt of my frustrations. My patience has been shorter than its normal brevity and it's skewed my perspective so badly that I have found myself resenting the greatest blessing the Tao has ever bestowed on me.

The guilt is pretty heavy. My conscience is punishing me, which I more than deserve for allowing myself to lose my perspective and become so out of control.

But no more. Evolution is inevitable and I refuse to be left behind.

"Allow your life to unfold naturally
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection
Just as you breathe in and breathe out
Sometimes you're ahead and other times behind
Sometimes you're strong and other times weak
Sometimes you're with people and other times alone

To the Sage
all life is movement toward perfection
So what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?"

- Tao Te Ching, Verse 29

By being so reactive to my circumstances, no matter how difficult, I have been resisting the Tao and, therefore, my misery is no fault but my own. There is no misery when in harmony with the Tao, only contentment in the natural progression of life. Quinlon is only acting out of natural need and my frustration is coming from an inherent difficulty of splitting my focus that stems from YEARS of personal therapy to overcome ADHD. The Tao knew what it was doing when it gave me Quinlon... he is just another tool of Tao to help me evolve and become more at one with it.


Armed with this revelation, my perspective has made a complete change. It's like a light switch was flipped and now, I can see the tantrums, the screaming, the boycott on sleeping as just natural challenges to be met with patience, love, and a smile. At the end of the day, I have an amazing child that I get to mold and guide and teach the ways of the Tao. I have been given an incredible duty and I accept it happily and will do my best to never let it become a burden ever again.


From now on, just call me "Zen Mama" (not really, Zen is Buddhist. ;) but it gets the point across)

Sweet, sweet sleep...

Who knew I would be overjoyed to only wake up every 2-3 hours for nursing? It was like heaven after the last 4 nights of insanity.

My cold is moving into my chest... so all I can do is just lay around and try to rest.

I've been nominated by Christina


I love blog awards and this is only my 2nd.

Here are the Rules:
1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received your award.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!

I nominate:
Aimee
Nicole
Sarah R
Nikki
Lilah
Jenny Mae
bleu (a new favorite)

Well, that is settled.

I called my friend and we are planning on Thursday being moving day. Now, to just break the news to my overly emotional mother.

On a happier note, even sick, Quinlon is a character.

Attacking the laptop...






Eating Mama's things on the table.




Using Mama as a jungle gym





.... and attacking the camera.

So far not so good.

9:09 PM - Quinlon falls asleep.

9:37 PM - Wakes up and mama has to pat for 7 minutes...

Fuck.

3 nights in a row of waking up every 15 minutes to an hour (mostly 15-30 minutes) ALL NIGHT LONG has left me sick, sleep deprived to the point of emotional collapse and an all around terrible mother who can only think of how much she sorta doesn't like her son so much.

I have never prayed so hard for something so simple in my life. I don't think I can physically take this another night. Even reflux newborn was better than this.


Wish us luck.

Yeah, that is enough of that.

We moved in with my parents about 3 months ago because we are going overseas for 5+ years early next year and I wanted them to have a chance to bond with Quinlon before we left. We didn't NEED to live with them. We had many other options, but for my peace of mind and conscience I wanted to give them a chance to spend time with Quinlon and maybe reconnect our dysfunctional relationship.

Well, relationship is still dysfunctional and on top of that, I get blamed for everything... so NOTHING has changed. I clean the house while everyone is at work, but maybe I forgot something, or Quinlon was having a bad day so I miss something, all hell breaks loose and I am told how I "do nothing around the house." DH is in Chicago working so it's just me with NO car and no way to escape anything. And when we first moved here, they PROMISED to help with the baby TONS and babysit him so I could work. Yeah, that didn't pan out. I feel lied to about that.

I have a friend who is going to train me to be a Doula in exchange for helping her around the house, with homeschooling her 3 girls, and short notice babysitting since she is on call for births. AND she will baby sit Quinlon in the evenings so I could get a part time job and actually get out of the damn house.

I tell my parents and their responses basically belittle me for making "dumb choices" and my mom pulls a guilt trip about not being with them for the holidays.

Umm, well, FIL is the ONLY granparent who has not even SEEN Quinlon yet, sorry, but I thought it might be a neat idea for him to meet his only grandson before we go overseas too.

Now that you are up to speed, today was just the last straw. My mom is sick. My Dad mentions WE (as in my 20 year old sister, 14 year ld brother and myself) should keep the kitchen picked up so my Mom doesn't do it. Agreed. I am feeling pretty shitty myself due to a teething, sick child who wakes up at night no less than 15x (26+ times last night) and refuses to go back to sleep unless I sit by his crib and pat him for 10 minutes.

Except, I am the only one who has done ANYTHING. But, oh fuck no, I forgot to wipe the counter top. Unloading and reloading the dishwasher and putting away my sister's cooking mess from hours ago was not enough. My Dad then berates ME for leaving the counter "filthy".

Where's my sister?

SOUND FUCKING ASLEEP.

I am done. Fuck you. I am not staying for Thanksgiving. I don't care how much you boohoo. I do not deserve your shit just because you don't agree with my lifestyle.

And they wonder why nothing gets done.

Caught dumping the laundry basket.










Notice the little red mark under the (looking at him) left side of his nose? That was our battle wound from busting our mouth on the coffee table while attempting the ever dangerous 180 degree turn from couch to coffee table. And don't forget the bruise on the top right of his forehead from a few faceplants onthe tile floor.

Brain jumble.

I rarely do bulleted posts... but I have a LOT on my mind and that seems the most effective way of emptying it into pixels.

- I am really more than sick of political ignorance. I wouldn't even type this from the perspective of my TRUE views, but from a neutral standpoint. My own sister even said in her own words that Obama is anti-christian and suddenly now baby killing and gays are going to run rampant. While I don't think this country is on a good path currently, that is even ludicrous to the most asinine person.

- Depression sucks. This is all triggered by my severe separation anxiety and the fact that my parents are the least understanding people I've ever met. This whole adventure living with them (only so that they could spend time with their grandson, mind you) has given me sad closure. My parents and I are from two different planets. They can't wrap their minds around why we do what we do and I cannot and will not conform to their standards. The small town mentality works for them... not me.

- I am officially TESL certified and once my certificate arrives, I'm applying for jobs in China like a madwoman. We are so close to living our dream.

- Teething sucks donkey testicles. That is all I have to say about that.

- Cruising is proving dangerous for Quinlon. So far we have 3 head bruises, a busted lip and numerous bumps and screaming fits. He is fearless and that very quality seems to be what is getting him hurt.

- I want sushi so bad I cry when I think about it.

- I can't wait to move to Houston to stay with an amazing friend and her family. She is going to teach me to be a Doula and all about homeschooling. NOt to mention I will be able to get a part time job!!!!

That is all I can think of for now. I need lunch and some wine. Too bad I only have lunch.

My observation for the day...

People are idiots.

Thank goodness.

No more fucking political ads.








The lesser of two evils is still evil... Just sayin'

In the midst of the political melee

I'm ignoring it all.

Day 2 without Donnie has been rough. Had a bad night which we later determined was because Q has two suspicious white bumps on his gums. The long anticipated teeth are coming.

It's been a doozy. Lots of whining and clinging and screaming.


*sigh*

Life just has me down. Back to my strawberry soda and cookies.

Mi Familia...

Nevermind the gross hair and no make up.

The sleep saga continued...

The unthinkable happened. My baby boy has decided he no longer wants to co-sleep. *sob* The first sign was a bad night filled with wrestling with him, getting hit in the face and my hair pulled. He just wouldn't stay asleep.

We tried the Pack N Play and he slept better, but still restlessly. But, every night since then has gotten significantly better.

So, while I am mourning the loss of my cuddly mommy/Quinlon snuggle time, I am rather enjoying the last few nights with Donnie sleeping in the same bed. I forgot how much I loved snuggling my husband.

Next project is to cut back on the number of night feedings. Quinlon loves his boobs with a passion and still nurses 3-4x a night.

Love me three times, babe...

I'm going away.

Oddly appropriate song stuck in my head.


I am a mess mentally right now. My brain is all over the place. Scattered and in complete disarray.

I am going to miss him so. It's quite depressing this situation.


I think I shall pick up writing again. I feel that this adversity has revived the creative spark that had disappeared from my soul for a long time.


I live for tomorrow.

Oh!

And Happy Halloween.


Today was Evelyn's EDD.

I still struggle. I plan on spending today hugging Quinlon extra tight and taking full advantage of the time we have left together as a family before D leaves for 6 weeks.