No really...

this can stop now.

I am still so desolate about the TTC thing. Blah Blah, haven't hit 12 cycles yet... I know the stats. But I also know that my heart is bruised and tired of this seemingly neverending struggle. It blows.


General Grievous is still missing. Donnie had a dream that the bitch next door (after making her threats about our cat) stole him when he went outside and gave him to somone else.

Cunt.

I've cried about it every night in the past week. I miss my kitty. So, Donnie, in an effort to ease my heartache, rescued another 6 month old cat and brought him home.

He's our little half siamese, blue-eyed, ball of trouble. I love him. I still miss General Grievous, but the newest addition does somewhat fill a void left by his disappearance. But, believe me, I still pray every day that Grievous will show up at our door.

Once I get my camera batteries charged, I'll post a picture or two of the beast known as Ookla, the Mok. (If you understand this obscure 80s reference then you are completely rad, if not, no worries, I still love you ;-))

I'm so tired.

The struggle, the false hope, the let down, the heartbreak... it's all too much.

I just want what we were so close to having. There's a hole in my heart that aches every time I see someone happily wheeling around an infant. It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face when someone shares their good news. There is a void that nothing but a baby will fill. I want my family.

I can't see an RE because my insurance balks at anything that even smells like infertility. I'm hoping that I can approach my OBGYN with health related concerns I am having that are probably also fertility related. There are a million fears crowding my mind lately and I am so overwhelmed with the struggle this last year has been.

*sigh*

I can only go up from here. As much as emotional rock bottom sucks, it's only temporary.

As expected...

BFN.

I also forgot I was testing and and woke up and peed at about 3:30 this morning... *shrug*


I'll test Saturday just to be sure to expect AF... but it looks like no happy father's day for Donnie.

What the hell

are "team members"? (in reference to this site)



btw. testing tomorrow.

Silly me, why was I so freaked out?

Let me just say that I looooove this doctor. He has both of us cracking up the whole time!

He didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but when he was talking about maybe not ovulating I gave him my charts and he seemed to realize that we are both pretty ahead of the game as far as information.

So, I just have to call once AF arrives and they will do CD3 bloodwork and schedule an HSG for me. He said they do the HSGs in their office because radiologist aren't used to doing them, normally, and they make it far more painful than necessary.

He said we can do the s/a whenever Donnie has "refrained from ejaculation" for 2-3 days on our own schedule. He gave us the sterile collection cup so we could do it at home and just make an appointment to bring the sample in. We are thinking of doing it when AF comes since the first few days are sex free for us anyway.

All in all, a very very good appointment!

Every time I think about tomorrow

my heart pounds.


I have no idea what to expect. I wrote down any questions I can think of....


I just feel so unprepared for the appointment. *sigh*








This weekend was perfect. It's so nice to have the house to ourselves. No more deadweight or unnecesarry conflict. ♥

"'cause I need something more, to keep on breathing for..."

Appointment with an RE Monday June 11th.

Nervous is an understatement.



I'm just weary... that's really the only word for it. TTC for 10 cycles and 13 cycles of unprotected sex all together is just too much. The longer this takes, the more I am convinced my previous pregnancy was a fluke.

The really good news is that *if* this cycles is a bust, I will only have to wait a few days from appointment to BFN then to CD3 bloodwork. I want to get a s/a ASAP. Even my TCM doctor asked that we get the s/a done soon. Either way, I can get some straight facts on what is actually transpiring and use them to more specifcally treat my problems with both western medicine and acupuncture.

So, now I get to enjoy my long weekend knowing that Monday is going to be a big step in moving this struggle closer to fruition. Now, if I can just collect myself long enough to make a list of all the info I need to bring for the dr and all the questions I have. Any suggestions for questions?

What did you do this weekend?

48 hour film project.

Can you say stressful?

We drew the genre, Spy film. Awesome!

I'm at home because my scenes are not until tonight and with time being of such a priority, the fewer hands to supervise the better.

Now, if I can just make sure to seduce Donnie one more time tonight... It's times like these that I am enormously grateful that Donnie has a phenomonal sex drive, because this would be impossible if I had to convince him to get in the mood.


On the down side of things, I'm hopeful this cycle. I'm 'heading for a heartbreak' if this cycle is a bust as well. Dr Tian assures me that 3 more cycles is all it will take at the MAX, bu it's so hard to shake the omnipresent dissapointment that has been my TTC career.

Just this once, I'd appreciate it if my body would cooperate.