I mean well, really.

I'm just stressed. I could go into details, but then I'd come off as whiny.



Just get over it.




Nothing is ever easy. I know this, but it doesn't really make me feel any better when life throws shit at my fan.

It's time's like this that I need a "girls night out" with my girls... too bad they are 84932057852 miles away.




P.S. - I made the greatest key lime pie ever this weekend. Really. It was so good it was painful.

like a statue in the sky...

So it has been offered for us to move to Cali with the **** family to make "Oh, the Horror". (The **** family is the family of an A-list actor.)

Rent free.

They know people out there with money and money is what we need to get this movie filmed and in theaters so you guys can enjoy the amazingness that is this movie script.

There are a lot of different things that have to go the right way for this move to happen. Donnie is scheduled to call **** tonight @ 10 to discuss in more detail the accomodations and conditions with us living there in L.A. with them. But, barring and problems or issues, we are all in agreeance... Let's fucking go.



In other news, I got the transfer to another department I put in for about 2 months ago.

It means $1/hr raise and a better supervisor who knows exactly how good I am at my job. I spoke with her today and she even said that she had a "special plan" for me once I officially start on her team. May 14th, bonnnnnnngggggg. That extra money is perfect either way. More money to move with, or it's more money for a baby... **As if that ever happens**

Not to mention that we are not TTC right now because of the potential move and subsequent movie filming. Matter, of fact I need to lose 15 lbs!

To quote Donnie, "What happens, happens..." But I feel like this is the universe's way of telling us it is not time. We still want to have a baby super bad, but now we have these huge choices ahead and it is very clear to me why I am still not "knocked up".



It's funny how life works out.

No pity party...

On to cycle 9.

If it keeps on raining...

Sometimes I think that I am the only one bordering on obsession with this TTC. Maybe it's the female mindset, I'm not sure.


It came to my attention that I am not alone. We both want this so much, it hurts. Maybe it was the loss before that makes everything race towards desperation... I don't know.

We were so close.




In other news, we got a kitten. I surprised Donnie with it for our Anniversary.

Meet General Grievous.

well...

if we're going to take it back to 8th grade;

You're just jealous because I'm so much hotter/cooler/smarter/better than you.



"Love me or hate me it's still an obsession"

You just can't get enough can you?

Hey, Anon!

I don't believe in god, but thanks for trying.

Next, please.

self-inflicted introspection

Now I know. It's been eating at me for days now. I couldn't put my finger on it.

April 11th marks one year from the day I had an ultrasound and saw there was no heartbeat.

Easily, the worst day of my entire life. A part of me died that day. I can't even remember much in the days that followed. I was just so devestated I blocked out so much.

My EDD was tough. I got plastered. I survived. Halloween was always my favorite holiday, now it's bittersweet.

I got my tattoo in March to help me grieve. I was holding the pain in and this was my way to heal. It worked. I no longer feel guilty, or regret.

Now that I am staring down the barrel of the worst of "anniversaries", I'm losing it again. I cried so long and hard last night I as sick.

Donnie hurts too. I see it in his eyes when I am hysterical over it. It never stops hurting. It is still just as heart breaking, now, 12 months later. I don't know what to do.

Part of me feels that getting pregnant again will help. I've been told by others who have lost and then conceived again, that it really really does make it easier. But at the same time, I am worried that I am focusing too much on having another child and not paying attention to the other things that I need to work on.

Will I regret not pursuing my career options?

Will I regret getting pregnant, because once there, I will realize there were things I missed out on?

Donnie sat me down yesterday and said, "Jess, there will be other movies. You can still be an actor after having a child." Wow. ummm, now what?

He also told me that despite officially, "taking a break" he's been trying to get me pregnant for the past 3 cycles and everytime that AF comes, he is disappointed.
Um, wow again.

I think our decision is pretty clear.

I cannot handle the obsessing.

No temping, ugh! I hated the obsessing over a chart. All my charts showed very distinct ovulation. I don't need to confirm that. I'll probably buy OPK's so I can just pinpoint O in advance since there is a few day fluctuation for my O day.

So now, C6 of officially trying begins. (Really it's cycle 8, neither of us would admit we were trying in secret).

Once again, there is peace in the Allen household.

Balance is a minor setback

Isn't it odd that I can't seem to find kindred spirits that are female?

With the exception of the few friends I've recently found (you know who you are), why are females so frustratingly asinine?


There's probably no answer to that.


Onward.