Wednesday, July 23, 2008

We're here.

Sorry to keep any one waiting.

The trip went as well as could be expected.

Quinlon is teething and it's awful. Where did my little smooshie newborn go? :sob:

I'll update when it's not midnight and I am less exhausted

Friday, July 18, 2008


Leaving Tallahassee tomorrow. Car's packed and we're just relaxing for the night. Tomorrow will be hectic and stressful, what else would traveling with a 13 year old and 3 1/2 month old be?

I've got so much on my mind. The impending move in with the parents, the soon to be work a holic lifestyle to engulf our existence, the fucking stress of the bills that are PILING up.

Today is Donnie's 30th birthday. For some reason, I am so proud of him. I've watched him grow up so much in the past 2 1/2 years together and become this steady, reliable, devoted husband and father. He's really coming into his prime, I can just tell. My two boys are my world and I wake up next to both of them everyday and thank the universe for blessing me with such a beautiful family.

Texas... such a bittersweet homecoming for me. Too much to get into really, but it is time I laid a LOT of ghosts to rest.

This may sound vain... so if this bothers you in the slightest, stop reading here....

But we cannot go anywhere in public with Quinlon without being nearly mobbed. People stop us in stores to comment on how "pretty" Quin is. Not just one or two people, I am talking 5 or 6 each outing. A friend suggested getting some headshots done and sending them to a few agencies. Umm, ok, totally bitching idea. What could be more flattering to a proud new mama than having her son be a baby model??

Anyway, it's almost 1 AM and I've got more beer to drink before sleepy time.

Good night and good bye Florida... hello, my future.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

My head is so full...

But I can't seem to put into words what it is filling it up.

Packing stinks. But at least we are moving forward with things and it will be nice to stay with my parents for a while.

I'll be in Tally this week. Steph, that means you!!! I want some hang out time.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The secret dark side of motherhood.

Don't get me wrong... really, this isn't a bitchfest about having a child. He is my world, my heart, my soul and every day I wake up to his laughter and I fall in love more than the day before.


Yes, there is a but.

No one tells you about the terror. I don't mean being scared you aren't going to be a good mother or that you will do something wrong and screw the kid up. I actually am quite confident in my abilities as a mother. The fear I have is of everything else in the world. Every news story I read about a baby dying or chain email I receive about so and so with terminal childhood leukemia send me into such a panic that I can't breath and I feel I will vomit or pass out or maybe both. The very thought of these horrible things happening to my little boy terrify me to the point of physical illness and frequent nightmares.

I feel so helpless. I want to lock him away and never let him out into the treacherous world.

My brain knows that isn't an option, but my heart screams to do it anyway.

This internal conflict is exacerbated by the clash with my Taoist beliefs that the universe will do with our lives as is natural and death is not to be feared. I don't fear death for myself, and a battled this conflict in relation to losing Donnie a long time ago and don't fear losing him... but Quinlon, my sweet, innocent, perfect child. The knot in my throat just tightens even typing the words out.

This has to get easier, right? I am so overtaxed emotionally with the panic attacks and the nightmares at just the suggestion of harm befalling my child.

I had no idea about this aspect of having a child. No one really warns you. Logically, you know you will be protective of them, but the extent of terror that I feel is nothing like what you expect. It hit me like a speeding train and I can't seem to recover.

So now I am struggling with a balance between being a protective wise mother and a paranoid, overbearing tyrant. My heart wants to be the tyrant until he is 30, but I know that would probably be messy.

I hate this vulnerability. I assume it gets a little easier to deal with in time... I mean, it has to or every mother would be a blubbering headcase crying at the drop of a hat even in public like me. Or does it just get easier to hide the anxiety?

I dunno, but I am going to go watch him sleep some more.