My head is so full...

But I can't seem to put into words what it is filling it up.

Packing stinks. But at least we are moving forward with things and it will be nice to stay with my parents for a while.

I'll be in Tally this week. Steph, that means you!!! I want some hang out time.

The secret dark side of motherhood.

Don't get me wrong... really, this isn't a bitchfest about having a child. He is my world, my heart, my soul and every day I wake up to his laughter and I fall in love more than the day before.

But...

Yes, there is a but.

No one tells you about the terror. I don't mean being scared you aren't going to be a good mother or that you will do something wrong and screw the kid up. I actually am quite confident in my abilities as a mother. The fear I have is of everything else in the world. Every news story I read about a baby dying or chain email I receive about so and so with terminal childhood leukemia send me into such a panic that I can't breath and I feel I will vomit or pass out or maybe both. The very thought of these horrible things happening to my little boy terrify me to the point of physical illness and frequent nightmares.

I feel so helpless. I want to lock him away and never let him out into the treacherous world.

My brain knows that isn't an option, but my heart screams to do it anyway.

This internal conflict is exacerbated by the clash with my Taoist beliefs that the universe will do with our lives as is natural and death is not to be feared. I don't fear death for myself, and a battled this conflict in relation to losing Donnie a long time ago and don't fear losing him... but Quinlon, my sweet, innocent, perfect child. The knot in my throat just tightens even typing the words out.

This has to get easier, right? I am so overtaxed emotionally with the panic attacks and the nightmares at just the suggestion of harm befalling my child.

I had no idea about this aspect of having a child. No one really warns you. Logically, you know you will be protective of them, but the extent of terror that I feel is nothing like what you expect. It hit me like a speeding train and I can't seem to recover.

So now I am struggling with a balance between being a protective wise mother and a paranoid, overbearing tyrant. My heart wants to be the tyrant until he is 30, but I know that would probably be messy.

I hate this vulnerability. I assume it gets a little easier to deal with in time... I mean, it has to or every mother would be a blubbering headcase crying at the drop of a hat even in public like me. Or does it just get easier to hide the anxiety?

I dunno, but I am going to go watch him sleep some more.

It's been brough to my attention

that I do not blog enough.

I'll admit, I am a bit of a slacker. But, in my defense, Quinlon has just recently gotten to an age where I have a moment to myself anymore.

He is so big now. 26 inches and 15 lb 4 oz. He's not chunky either, just solid. Now that we've made it past our breast feeding issues, things are better and he is growing like a weed.

He's recently discovered he can yell and has amassed a vocabulary of 2 words, "ooooh" and "aaaah". If you want to count the occasional "gaaaaaaaah" then, 3 words. He's rolling over, trying to sit, reaching and grasping and just all around being cute. He is starting to resemble me more than Donnie, strangely enough.





In family news, we are moving to Texas for a while to stay with my parents so they can have Quinlon time. We are still moving to China, but some financial speed bumps have slowed our timeline down quite a bit.

Otherwise, our lives are boring. Nothing more exciting than poopy diapers and pacifiers.

4th Trimester is over...

We survived the infamous first 12 weeks. And like any mother, I cried when we hit this milestone.

I cannot believe that this time last year sperm was meeting egg and our little miracle was preparing to change our lives.

He's perfect and amazing and I count myself as so incredibly blessed every night when I fall asleep next to his beautiful sleeping face.


Motherhood is amazing.

Make that two awesome moments

Quinlon just rolled over. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. This I did NOT catch on camera because in the middle of a diaper change.

Well, 11 weeks today...

And that means we are nearly out of the 4th trimester. Where the hell has time gone, I mean it just seems like yesterday I was pregnant. Now, my little man is 2 1/2 months old.

It makes me all weepy just to talk about it.


And today, we had such an awesome moment, on Father's Day no less. Quinlon laughed for the first time. Donnie is actually in Orlando until tonight, so he missed it first hand, but lucky me, I got it on video.

Here it is. Just skip to about 5:15 and enjoy. The first 5 minutes are nothing but him laying there kicking and wiggling. After that, the magic happens.




Happy Father's Day to all you wonderful Daddies out there.

Sorry for going MIA.

Things have been hectic.

I decided to go back to work, only to find that my milk supply immediately suffered. We can't use formula for 2 reasons, one being religious and the other being China = not trust worthy manufacturing standards. So, I decided to quit, only to discover quitting meant they would use my date of startinf FMLA leave as my termination date making me responsible for ALL my benefit premiums form March 26th to present which equals out to some $1500 give or take a few hundred. So now I am fighting for the one 20 hour per week job they have open in hope sof working for a month so I don't owe back wages.

Q is doing better. The reflux is under control for the most part and the latch is hit or miss but always corrects with aid.

We're still just frantically gearing up for China and it seems we are going to be super tight on money. Stressful much?

Sorry to post and run, but I have homework to do while Q is still napping. To appease you vultures here are some pics and a video!