Saturday, November 24, 2007

I dislike Thanksgiving...a LOT.

I'll wait a moment for the gasps to subside and explain myself.

I am proudly 1/4 Cherokee and Thanksgiving is a holiday steeped in the blood of native Americans of EVERY tribe. I never felt comfortable celebrating what marked the beginning of the end of one of the oldest and richest cultures in the entire world.

While I do believe in the idea of setting time aside to be thankful for all that you have been given in life, I feel that it's so typically American that we have to make a holiday just to remember to do so instead of doing it every day of your life... It should be a natural thing, not some trite, forced, commercialized display of excess, greed and gluttony. That's right, stop fighting over who gets the last piece of pie you fat slobs and take a look at what a cheap, meaningless day this holiday is.

So while the meaning of Thanksgiving was well intended, it never really had a chance since it was begun on the premise of stealing land from an established society of people just because they were deemed "savages" and "uncivilized" by bullshit European bible thumper's standards.

Fuck that.

I like Turkey and dressing as much as the next person, but the whole fucking holiday is a sham.

That being said, I am thankful for everything in my life everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't look at myself and smile in appreciation for all that I have.

Note: This is not directed at anyone who reads my blog specifically, just the population majority in general... you guys are awesome... DUH!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

She replied...

According to my Granny, she is unbelievably busy... ~shrug~ Ok.

Her reply was really sweet, she even apologized for taking so long to reply. I sense that Granny said something that I was a little anxious about not hearing back from her.

I'll admit, I feel a little absurd getting so upset... but what was I supposed to think? It was only natural that I freak a little when my heartfelt words are seemingly ignored.

Now, I just feel relieved. This was such a weight on my chest despite all my attempts to be ambivalent towards the whole thing.

Let's just hope this is the beginning of getting things back to "normal". I appreciate all the support you guys have showed me. It means the world to me to know that so many beautiful people care so much.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Looks like I've been written off.

10 days later, no reply.

I know she got the email. My Granny said she mentioned it to her when they talked after our lunch date on Saturday.

I did my part. My conscience is clear and if she can't give me the courtesy of at least acknowledging my effort... then fuck it. I tried, right?

It stings, I won't deny that. But I am the better person here, obviously, and I will just go on living my life the way that makes me happy. I've got my family right here and it's all I need. Her fucking loss.

Pardon me while I bury every last feeling of good will towards my parents.

I feel that I should put the disclaimer out there that, yes, I understand that maybe she is taking her time for some very legitimate reason... blah, blah, blah. Does it really take 10 days to find words? ~shrug~ I doubt it.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer...

Beatles White Album on vinyl


Dancing in underwear


Saturday morning



In all seriousness, Helter Skelter has to be one of the greatest songs ever made.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No reply...


I'm a nervous wreck over this. Honestly, I do not know how often she checks her email, but if I don't get an answer this week, I give up.

My heart hurts.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Just call me butter...

I seem to be on quite a posting "roll" today but I was sitting her contemplating all the reasons I am feeling so lost and melancholy and the biggest one is my ~lack~ of a relationship with my parents.

Long story, short... They don't approve of my life choices. They're on A's side of the fence and I hopped over to B's side at the first chance I got. That's that super condensed and simplified version.

So, I decided that since there is no time that a girl needs her mother than when she's having her first child, I should do something to try and cross this void between us.

Here's the email I wrote to my Mom.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sure you're pretty busy with sports and whatnot, but I wanted to just drop a line and check in.

We're all doing great. Quinn is kicking away and love feeling it. Donnie has even gotten a few kicks hard enough for him to feel on the outside. We had a scare last weekend when I woke up with a really bad pain in my stomach. We went to the ER to get it checked out and it turns out it was nothing more than Quinn aggravating a nerve with his bicycle kicks to one part of my uterus. We did get to see him on ultrasound again and he has grown SOOO much. He's was already 11 oz and is measuring about 4 days ahead of his due date. It looks like he is going to take after me, and not Donnie who was only 6 1/2 pounds when he was born.

I hadn't heard from you in a while and just wanted to tell you I miss you guys. Mom, I feel so overwhelmed sometimes because this is all so new. No amount of teaching daycare, babysitting and reading books can make me feel fully prepared. There is just so much I am in the dark about and would love it if you could offer some guidance. I know our relationship is not the strongest, but I really want to change that. I am not the person I used to be and I hope you can see that. I need to have my parents in my life and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to let go of all the hateful things that have happened between us in the past. We may never see eye to eye about a lot of things. I understand that and I don't expect you to necessarily approve of everything I do or believe, I just ask that we can put aside any resentment and have a relationship NOW as the older, wiser people we are now.

If you can't do it for me... please do it for Quinn. I want him to have his grandparents involved in his life. I want him to be able to feel the love that I know you have for your first grandchild and I don't want personal differences of our doing to ruin his chance at having that amazing relationship with you guys.

I know the geographical distance between us only adds to the problem, but we are willing to do what it takes to keep you involved as possible. We are going to be at Granny's again for Christmas. We'll be there 23rd-27th and I hope that y'all will be there at a time that overlaps, at least a little. I know it's a little early for your plans to be concrete, but I figured I'd let you know when we would be there so you would have a heads up.

I guess that's all for now.

Tell everyone hello from all 3 of us and give them my love. Our phone # is still the same and we would love to hear from you anytime.

Jessi, Donnie and Quinn

It's going to be hard not to hold my breath...

Saturday, November 3, 2007


I am just sitting here sobbing.

I don't know why. I'm just overwhelmed.

Just keep breathing...

20 weeks...?

I went for my 20 week check up...19w3d is close enough, I guess and everything went very smoothly.

I am so proud of my weight gain. I've been trying to stay active despite the overwhelming sense of laziness I have, and eating healthy is always harder when there is a voice screaming in your head to eat a WHOLE pie. But, so far, I've only gained 8 1/2 pounds. Yay me! My strategy was to minimize the weight gain early on so that it's less of an issue later when I starting putting on pounds more rapidly. I think we can say this mission is a success.

Blood pressure was fine, as usual.

Heard Quinn's heartbeat. Seems we interrupted his afternoon nap because it was only 137 BPM and he was offended by the slight intrusion of the doppler. He reacted by brutally punching/kicking the probe resulting in a laughing fit from my midwife, Donnie and I.

Feisty little stinker. But would we expect anything less with his lineage? Oy, Allen boys are a beast... LOL

The disturbing part was when we measured my fundal height... at 19w3d, my uterus is measuring 23 centimeters aka 23 weeks. The many explanations of this don't really apply to me...

1) Baby could be hanging out at the top of my uterus. - Not Quinn, he is always after my bladder and doppler always finds him very low.

2)Short waisted? - Nope. I have an unusually long waist...

3)Aren't sure of your due date? - Again, nuh uh. I know the exact day I ovulated... my due date is pretty damn accurate.

So my only option is to assume he is taking after his dear mother and going to be a 9 pounder or I am giving birth to an elephant child. Yikes! I keep trying to tell myself that, "Maybe he's tall... Donnie and I are both tall... so that's likely right?"

I guess we'll have to watch this one... no scrawny babies in this house!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Dearest Evelyn,

Happy Birthday, darling. I just wanted to let you know how much we love and miss you. I know you are in such a better place, but it still breaks my heart to not have you in my arms. Halloween is just not the same without you, my darling little girl.

We are all doing very well. Your little brother is getting stronger everyday and reminds me constantly with some well placed kicks to the bladder when Mommy has to pee. It's such a wonderful experience that I missed with you during your short time with us. He also says 'hello' and that he loves you very much. He is truly blessed to have such a wonderful big sister watching over him all the time.

I hope you can see how much we miss you... I think of you everyday and hope that you are as happy as you should be, free from this world. I will see you again eventually, and then I can finally hold you in my arms like I dream about at night.

All our love,
Mommy, Daddy and Quinn.